It’s a very emotive topic, most people don’t like to think about it, never mind discuss it. Too much risk of ‘child shaming’ I guess. But it needs to be talked about more openly, it’s needs to be acknowledged as a difficulty some parents face, and it needs to be acknowledged as ‘not ok!’
Big girl becomes violent when she’s anxious, this has happened since around the age of 9, her tantrums progressed to being violent out bursts. With every incident the volatility, the violence, the anger and the danger all increase. Big girl has always directed all of her negativity and anger towards me, so of course all the violence is aimed at me also. I used to be bigger than her, I used to be able to stop her hurting herself and me.
The paramedics who came Wednesday checked her foot where she’d bruised it kicking me and a table. They checked the superficial cuts on the back of her hand that she did with a dinner knife, the same one she told me she’d use to kill me. They looked at the bruised hand she used to punch me.
People suggested I make her a sandwich since she’d refused breakfast. The police suggested she did something she enjoyed like some colouring. Camhs suggested I gave her more medication.
I’m currently covered in many bruises which I’ve desperately tried to hide from baby girl and middle girl. They know what happened, they were here, but they don’t need constant visual reminders.
No one checked my bruises or my broken heart in the 11.5hrs they were in my home and on my phone. No one made sure I’d eaten that day (I hadnt and didn’t until 9pm).
No one really knows how to react when they see/hear what happened. It’s like an elephant in the room. Because no one talks about it, it almost becomes a secret. No one dare mention anything to big girl right now for fear of triggering another ‘incident’, so egg shells it is.
Everyone continues to play happy families, well, everyone except me. I’m bruised and sore and have constant reminders of the events that unfolded last Wednesday all over my body. My muscles ache, my body is bruised, my heart is broken. I’m not really up for playing happy families. I’m fed up, I’m annoyed, I’m hurt and really not feeling very warm towards big girl right now. Not helped by Big girl who has continued her rein of anger and negativity towards me, there’s no remorse for me, or regret, she’s not sorry. She’s just continued to be obnoxious and rude to me, and only me.
Big girl doesn’t ‘need’ to be nice to me though, she doesn’t ‘need’ anything from me, she’s getting all her needs met by everyone else, everyone else is giving her the power and the drive to continue to pour her negativity in to me.
The family that dare not mention it to her for fear of her kicking off, those that over compensate and try to make her feel happier without pointing out what she did and continues to do, is wrong, the CAMHS worker who suggests I take her lunch to her bedroom when she refuses to come downstairs to eat, whilst screaming that I’m starving her (which somehow makes ME feel like I’m groveling for her forgiveness!? How does that work), the consultant who has a 5 minute chat with her alone and decides she has capacity and is in control, implying it’s behaviour, which then implies parenting is the issue, the CAMHS worker that suggests I take her to the park to have some fun.
No one checked I wanted to do these things, no one asked how I was feeling, no one asked me if it felt safe, or even if my body hurt too much to walk around a park.
Every single person that doesn’t address the huge great big white elephant in the room with big girl, enables her to continue to target me. In her eyes, I’m the one who doesn’t try to cheer her up, I’m the one that doesn’t want to pander to her by taking food to her room, I’m the one that doesn’t talk in a gentle warming tone and buy her treats, I’m the one that didn’t want to go to the park, I’m the one thats miserable and not playing happy families, but I’m also the one with the bruises and the one who is still on the receiving end of all her negativity. She is being enabled by everyone’s fear of addressing CPV for what it is! It’s NOT ok.
The world that can’t bare to think about child to parent violence. Also known as ‘domestic violence’, and it’s not ok!