trust

All posts tagged trust

Trust

Published March 18, 2016 by thefamilyof5

TRUST

Firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something:relations have to be built on trust

I have spent the last 6 years trying to earn the trust of my girls, we’ve engaged in services designed to encourage the relationship and promote trust. I have engaged with professionals from various departments always maintaining a very open relationship. Secrets aren’t helpful are they. Helping my girls has always been my one and only agenda.

I have spent the last 6 years trusting that the professionals and support services around us were focused on supporting us to the best of their ability. I have been open, honest and trusting. I have placed my faith in the system.

I made a SAR (subject access request – request for files) with the placing authorities adoption department last year. I also made one with our local authorities education department last month and the high school we withdrew big girl from last October.  They made for interesting reading to say the least.

Trust. Seems it is possible to be too trusting.

I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to place my trust in the very ‘systems’ designed to help and support us. It seems their agenda is different to mine. Theirs involves a lot of finger pointing, back covering, box ticking and secrets it seems.

How can I help my girls to invest their trust in me, in this world that we live in, how can they know who they can turn to for help, when even I am unsure of who I can trust and who I can turn to for help.

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The Affirmation Cards

Published January 29, 2015 by thefamilyof5

If you follow my facebook page then you will know that I’m currently taking part in another photo challenge #takingcare100.

Last week, for day 10, I decided we’d give the ‘Relax Kids’ affirmation cards a go.

I bought a laminator, trimmer and got to work to make these

They seem to be going well. All 3 girls have a new card every morning, they read it and pop it in to their shirt pockets. Their teachers are aware of the cards and use them as an occasional opportunity to talk to them and share a positive moment. Which the girls tell me they enjoy.

Baby girl thanks me for her card every morning and tells me she likes having them.

Big girl keeps telling me ‘they’re really helping me mommy’.

Middle girl (I’m told by our fab key person/teacher) enjoys an occasional quiet moment looking at her card with a smile on her face.

So well worth the hours stood in my kitchen cutting and laminating I’d say!

Therapy update & Trust!

Published October 3, 2014 by thefamilyof5

We started our new private DDP therapy recently after wasting almost 2 years with CAMHS and getting no where.

We’ve had a few group sessions with all of us and some sessions with just me and the girls over the summer. From September the girls have been having individual fortnightly appointments with me and the therapist and I’ve also been having a fortnightly appointment just for me, so I’m currently attending 4 appointments over a 2 week rolling timetable, I”d be lying if I said it wasn’t sometimes emotionally exhausting.

Its very early days and the girls have understandably found it uncomfortable at times but the mood has been lightened with some small Theraplay activities such as rubbing hand cream on each others hands, drawing pictures and playing games, with the therapist very much involved in all of the activities rather than sitting back and talking about them as if they weren’t there, like CAMHS used to, she engages with them and will hopefully earn their trust over time. This will be the first hurdle before any real ‘therapy’ can take place.

Trust was something that she and I talked about this week in my 1:1 session with her. I’ve always been very clear about how difficult the girls find it to trust people, even me, or so I thought. But this week she’s shown me, that actually they do trust me, very much in fact, and its because of this trust that they are able to manage the things that they do. For example, when we go on holiday we tell them at the last minute and they cope, they don’t fall apart and get in a tizz, yet if they were told about a school trip on the day of the trip, they’d panic and become frightened because they don’t have that trust in their teachers to keep them safe and will have needed to know in advance every minute detail of the trip so they can determine themselves, whether or not they will be safe.  Another example, There is a huge box in our hallway, its a delivery of Christmas presents that I’ve ordered for the them but I just haven’t got round to opening the box yet ( I know whats inside, 3 boxes of roller skates), Its been there all week, its in the way. They asked me what it was on the day it arrived and I replied with ‘a delivery, I don’t know I haven’t opened it yet’ and they were satisfied with that answer, trusted that I was telling them all that they needed to know and that It wasn’t something they needed to concern themselves with. They have just walked round it ever since (I really do need to unpack it). If a huge box was delivered to school and left in the corridor for a week obstructing their path just like the one in our hallway, they’d mither over what it contained, why it was there, why it hadn’t been opened, they’d even be cross that it was in their way and whilst they might not nag their teachers to death for the answers to these questions, they would come home and tell me EVERY day that the box is still there, that no one has opened it, that they’re wondering what is inside it, it would worry them. I know this because they have often come home and mithered about things that have appeared or changed in school.

This realisation of their trust in me, feels really good. It means that all these years of being predictable was worth while, all these years of making sure I arrived at school in plenty of time, was worth while, all these years of reassuring the girls that I’d always be there mommy, was worth while, it means I’ve been getting it right!

Whilst they trust that I will make the right choices for them to be safe, this safety net only seems to apply to me, they do not trust the rest of the world to be a safe place. So at home in their little bubble, or when they’re out with me, is when they feel safest. Helping them to feel safe in the world without me by their side is next.

As a family we experience lots of different things together, new places, new foods, new people. So we will continue to fill up their lives with these new experiences, within the safety of our family, and over time they will see that the world can be a safe place and hopefully feel more confident about experiencing new things without me by their sides in the future, for now though, I’ll be there to hold their hands until they’re ready to let go.

 

She’s in a grump, but Im happy!

Published September 15, 2014 by thefamilyof5

Well, middle girl has come out of school in a right grump today. ‘what’s the matter?’ I asked as she glared at me.

I’m too hot, she scowled.

Sometimes we feel hot when we’re a bit stressed out, I said, do you think you might be feeling a bit stressed out middle girl? I enquired.

My teacher didn’t say Thank You when I gave her the books, she moaned.

The man on the radio said it would rain and it didn’t, she ranted.

I missed playing bench ball at pe because Miss xyz took too long doing my group work, she grunted.

Poor middle girl, sounds like she’s had a bad day doesn’t it.

I’m just super happy that even though she’s grumpy and moody and not much fun right now, she trusted me enough to tell me all of that and didn’t give me her usual silent treatment and dirty looks!

We’re getting there, I must be doing something right! 😀

 

THE talk.

Published March 28, 2014 by thefamilyof5

I’ve been a mummy for almost 4 years.
Most ‘4yr’ in mummy’s are just recovering from the terrible 2’s and 3’s and preparing themselves for the separation anxiety that awaits them once nursery starts.

There’s this little girl, she’s 9, I’ve been her mommy for less than 4 years.
She doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t confide in me, she doesn’t talk to me.
Today we had THE talk, you know the one, the one about periods and puberty.

A little premature you may think but I’m not so sure, the signs are all there, I don’t think it will be long.
We all know that adopted children develop differently, well this is just another aspect. From a very early age big girls body was preparing its self for survival and what better way to survive than to grow up, fast.

So we had the talk, I didn’t go in to too much detail, she’s not emotionally ready to understand the ‘whys’ of what her body will be doing, so I focused just on ‘what’ will happen so she knows what to expect.

It went well I think, I didnt giggle or vomit and neither did she, in fact she simply replied with:

‘Oh ok…………….erm mommy is that a cathedral?’

I hope somewhere inside, beneath the facade of her smile and obliviousness that she heard what I said and wont think she’s dying when it happens. I hope that when it happens she will come to me like we agreed and she wont feel like she needs to sort it all out by herself. I hope in time conversations like this wont be so difficult!

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On the plus side, there is a great range of pretty and discreet products for young girls these days, there is even a lovely little starter pack with a selection of various products including the teeniest tampons I’ve ever seen! Its all neatly packaged its own pretty little bag with a little booklet explaining all about puberty, it is a shame all the products say ‘teens’ on them I thought, but an impressive and cute selection non the less. And we all know how important ‘cute things’ are to little girls.

Silence of the Lambs

Published November 13, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I love this blog title, makes me smile 🙂

Some of you may have noticed that my blog was offline for a while, some of you will know through Facebook and some through twitter, some will know because your my closest friends and I told you.

I started writing my blog in May 2011. I never anticipated that over 2 years later I’d still be writing it, nor that so many people would be reading it. I never could have imagined the doors it would open for us and the friends I would find.

I love writing my blog, I’m passionate about what I write and I’m proud of its achievements and acknowledgements.

I started writing because I was stressed, things were hard and I had very little in the way of support, not many of my friends and family understood the difficulties we faced every day as a family and it left me feeling isolated and alone.

There are 100’s of great adoption blogs out there reflecting all the positive aspects of adoption, but there didn’t seem to be many that reflected the struggles. Convinced I couldn’t be the only adopter out there that was struggling I set about creating my blog and sharing my story. I kind of gave myself a little motto when I started, ‘Keep it real’, and that’s what I’ve done. Sadly some of the harsh realities of adoption are not very nice and some even down right shocking. Our story isn’t one of the worst ones, but its also not the fairy tale happy ever after that some families are blessed with.

My blog has become part of me, its where I write about our struggles and rejoices, its where I despair and its where I boast. There have been a lot of agencies involved in our lives over the last 3 years, and so obviously I write about those a lot to. Some are sighs of relief, some are exasperated gasps of disbelief.
My blog is read by all manner of people from adopters, social workers, educational psychologists, authors, mental health workers, teachers and even those involved with UK government. I have never named any persons or any specific organisation in any of my writings, I’m respectful of peoples privacy and appreciate the damaging effects that public displays of annoyance of one persons bad experience can have on another/s. At the same time I also know how important it is for me to share my story to others in similar situations. Some of my followers know me personally, some are family, some are not, some wouldn’t know me if they walked past me in the street, some would stop to say ‘Hi’.

I had hoped that all of my readers were genuinely interested in our journey, I had also hoped that all of those people that know me personally would be respectful of my privacy and anonymity.
Unfortunately not everyone that reads my blog has a genuine interest and sadly a reader felt they had the right to reveal my identity and my blog to a particular organisation we’re involved with yesterday. This worries me because I’m now concerned that by revealing this information, they could have also put my children’s safety at potential risk. Someone identified that this blog relates to our family and shared this information, who else will they share it with.

Needless to say I have made a few changes to my blog, you will notice there is now a ‘Legal Disclaimer & Disclosure’ policy, and also a ‘copyright’ policy, these can be found on individual pages at the top of my blog. I urge you to read them.

I considered for some time deleting my blog. I also considered never mentioning certain organisations again. However, I have the freedom to express and share my own thoughts and opinions just like every one else and so long as I continue to respect the privacy of other organisations identity and keep my blog honest there is really no reason why I should be forced to delete it. My blog has always been honest and open and this is not about to change. My blog has opened up a whole new world to our family, its had the greatest of impact on our lives and has bought us some much needed recognition and support. To delete my blog, would be to delete a huge chunk of my support network and also an injustice to other adopters who have reached out to me to thank me for sharing my story and helping them to see that they are not alone. But most of all, I will not delete my blog because this is about my girls, 3 very traumatised children, and this blog is for them and about them and my fight to help them, not a disgruntled ‘professional’ with a personal issue.

I will not be silenced.

Biggest Barrier

Published November 10, 2013 by thefamilyof5

This week the theme over at the adoption social for #WASO, is ‘Barriers’.

As a family we’ve faced many barriers, some of them huge, some not so much. Of all the barriers we’ve faced there is one that has been, and continues to be, the most difficult to face.

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It isn’t the lack of post adoption support
It isn’t the friends that left because they didn’t understand
It isn’t the family that turned the other way when things got tough
It isn’t the mental health specialists that made and still make, us jump through hoops
It isn’t even the teachers that didn’t and don’t ‘get it’

It the barriers the girls have put up, the wall they’ve built around themselves as protection.

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Brick by Brick, we’re slowly taking down those walls.

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Maybe one day they’ll trust us!

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