Tough Love

My baby girl is growing up. The toilet step is now gone. The dinning room booster seat is no more. As she grows her wardrobe changes, her clothes are no longer 18-24mth they’re now 3-4 years and growing fast. She no longer needs help doing up her coat. She can write her own name without my help. She’s learning to read books and write her own words. She’s inquisitive, she wants to know more and more!

Yet the more she grows and the more independent she becomes in life, the more dependant on me she becomes. She’s letting me be her mummy.

She finally needs me rather than just wants me, and she lets me know in her own little ways. She’s sometimes clingy, but in a natural way rather than the attention seeking/fear for her life kind of way she did before. When I say ‘No’ she now feels safe enough to question me and try to persuade me to change my mind, even though I never have and never will change my mind 🙂 but this is what kids do isn’t it. They ask for things! She wants to cuddle and snuggle with me because im her mom and im safe and not just because she wants to take the attention from her sisters. She will come to me when she needs a mummy’s touch and she will ask me for my help. She’s not easy to parent, I’ve cried a lot, but I feel privileged that she’s finally allowing me to be her mummy.

This easter half terms been a tough one. She’s had a cold/cough that has kept her awake and when my baby girl is tired she really is no fun at all. She pushes and pushes and then pushes some more. Her need for control goes through the roof. She becomes agitated, fidgety, even Manic like. You can’t talk to or reason with her when she’s like this. She’s difficult to even like.

Today I finally got my baby girl back. Its been sometime since I saw her last. I’ve only managed the occasional glimpse of her between mood changes for a while now. Today she came back and stayed for the whole day. She slept well the last couple of nights as her cold is passing. Today she’s been content, happy and calm, she’s been just lovely in fact. She has such an amazing character, she’s funny and caring, kind and thoughtful, she has the ability to make the people around her smile inside.

I wish I could always have her this way,  loving her would be so easy.

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Tiredness strikes again!

Well the holidays have got off to a great start, rain for the first time in weeks has spoilt plans and we have 2 very tired girls after a restless night.

For some reason my middle girl took almost two and a half hours to drop off to sleep last night meaning she kept baby girl awake with her tossing and turning, sighing and coughing, grunting and groaning.
She then decided that 5.30am was a good time to start a coughing contest!

End result, I have a grumpy stroppy spiteful middle girl and a very tired and moody baby girl unwilling to have a midday nap.

We desperately need to get an extension built or move so we can separate these two. Its getting worse as they become more settled they’re becoming brave enough to test boundaries further and further. I guess we should be happy that it shows they’re more settled. But constantly tired children are not easy to ‘like’ let alone bond with.

Early nights again for now then it seems, if they survive till bed time that is 😉

Oh dear you will be hungry, never mind.

I knew today was going to be a bad day the minute she got out of bed. This was confirmed when I had to pull the car over on the way to school to remind my baby girl about her behaviour.

When we got to school I made a point again of telling my baby girls teacher that she’s to spend no more than 30 minutes in the dinner hall.

She came out of school with most of her lunch still in her lunch box having eaten only a quarter of her sandwich. The dinner staff did as I asked and told her that her time was up after 30 minutes. So when she told me I replied with a simple ‘oh dear, you must be hungry, never mind’

By 4pm I could see she was ready for bed, she was yawning, rubbing her eyes, agitated, fidgety and had already been told of more times than I could remember.

I served her tea, and after a reasonable time removed it with her having only eaten a little. ‘Oh dear you will be hungry, never mind, you can leave the table now’ I said as I took her plate away and served her sisters with their dessert.

She went to bed a very tired and hungry little girl at 6pm with no fuss at all, even she knew she was tired.

Roll on Easter school holidays, I want my little girl back…………

 

Im Tired!

 

Im tired of bickering that can last from 7.30am to 7pm

Im tired of attending appointment after appointment

Im tired of  feeling sad as i watch my youngest struggle to find her place in our family and get used to living with her sisters

Im tired of having to repeat myself over and over again about the same things

Im tired of smiling when i want to cry

Im tired of fighting for support for my children and being questioned about why im bothering, because, what will be will be, apparently

Im tired of battling with control issues

Im tired of the school run and still after 12 months of placement, feeling like a fraud on the playground

Im tired of feeling like i cant be honest about my feelings to friends and family for fear of judgment

Im tired of explaining that they’re not ‘naughty’ children and i appreciate im very lucky as it could be much worse, but i was prepared for disruptive/destructive behaviour, i wasn’t prepared for emotional mind games

Im tired of having to justify my every move

Im tired of having to explain the effects of trauma/neglect on children and how it makes them different to other children

Im tired of the children telling lies for no real reason

Im tired of shouting

Im tired of worrying about the things they do and being told ‘its just kids they all do that’

Im tired of listening to my eldest (6) go on and on and on about how she will be a mommy when she’s older and how she will hold her baby and what she will say to her baby and watching her tend to baby annabel like an adult would tend to a real baby, not like a child would and worrying that im not the mommy she’s aspiring to be like but her dysfunctional birth mom who’s still trying to re-populate the planet

Im tired of feeling deflated and exhausted

Im tired of people who know nothing about neglect/trauma/adoption thrusting their parenting advice on me and being offended when i dont take their advice

Im tired of discovering my friends/family are not the understanding people i thought they were and they said they would be

Im tired of moaning

Im tired of feeling so disappointed about so many things

Im tired of the sound of my own voice

but most of all…………………………………….Im tired of being tired

The trouble with kids is……..

They make so much noise! Lol

My usual peaceful Saturday morning of relaxing shower followed by getting ready in peace whilst Daddy gets the girls up and fed was floored by the simple fact that Daddy was working today!

This meant my morning was like every other morning, exhausting and noisy and full of pointless questions! We did liven things up a little by trying Lemon Curd on toast which was a hit all round 🙂

Then, just as things were looking up one of my little angels clearly fancied a change of routine and decided to smother herself, her clothes and her hair in toothpaste and then refused point blank to speak when I asked her about it! After a shower and a 45 minute screaming temper tantrum, calm was restored. Well I say calm, as calm as things could be with 3 little girls who scream……a lot! 😀

The rest of the day involved lots of shouting, lots of being sent to rooms to think, lots of saying sorry to each other and to Mommy and Daddy, lots of tears from bumps and lots of sulking. In between all of that, there was lots of smiles, giggles and laughter of course.

Overall today has mainly been about 3 little girls that woke up to early, are tired and have made lots of bad choices, early nights all round is the remedy.

On the upside, it stayed dry so they spent the whole day in the garden!

Now to feed them and try and quieten them down with some calming books and puzzles and thinking time.