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Big Girls Letter to her New Teacher

Published July 9, 2014 by thefamilyof5

And finally here is Big Girls letter

Hello my name is Big Girl

My mummy has put together this little booklet to help you understand me.
In 2010 I came to live with my new mummy and daddy. I’ve had a very difficult start in life and this has meant that I’ve developed a little differently to other children, I’m emotionally and socially very behind so I might need you to be extra considerate of this sometimes and not expect me to be the same as the other children my age. I’m also have a diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder which Mommy says makes me very special as I get to see the world differently to everyone else.

Sometimes the adults that were in control of my early life did things to make me feel scared and frightened. This has meant that I find it very hard to trust adults and let other people be in control. I’ve been finding school very difficult, and I don’t always cope with this very well. Sometimes I might still feel scared and frightened, but I won’t know how to tell you this so I need you to keep a close eye on my behavior and my mood, I’m exceptionally good at pretending to be ok. If you’re unsure of how I’m feeling I probably won’t tell you what’s wrong even if you ask me. I only tell the people I really trust to keep me safe. Mommy says gaining my trust is the most important thing in the world ever and that Math and English will be easier for me once that’s sorted.

Classrooms can be quite scary for me. There are children all around me making noise and moving about and people walking around outside and up and down the corridors. Please help me by sitting me close to you and with my back to a wall and not to a door, that way I don’t need to be worried about what’s going on behind me. I also don’t like being too close to other children, It makes me feel squishy and I don’t like that, If I feel squished then I can’t think about anything else. Mommy says I need my space because I don’t like to be touched/nudged/knocked. My hearing is really good, I developed this early on as a way to keep myself safe, I can hear danger from miles away my mommy says. This means that I become easily distracted by other noises inside and outside of the classroom so concentrating is really tricky for me and I might not always hear what you’re saying, but I will always try to keep you happy ( as that’s when I will feel safest) so just because I say I understand what my work/homework is, it doesn’t mean I really do, I just don’t want to annoy you or let you down so please make sure I really have understood what you’ve asked me to do by asking me to explain it back to you. I might also hear conversations that are not meant for me, Mommy is always telling me I need to stop listening to adult conversations, please don’t be annoyed with me though, I can’t help it, I’m just trying to keep myself safe.

I don’t have much confidence and mummy says my self-esteem is rock bottom, so sometimes when you ask me to try to do something new I’m so scared of getting it wrong and upsetting you that I choose not to even try. I will need you to gently encourage me, but please don’t try and force me as this will scare me. Sometimes when it looks like I’m having lots of fun and behaving ‘silly’, I’m actually very anxious and need your help to calm me down and reassure me that everything is ok; this is usually when we’re doing something unstructured Mummy says, she says I need routine and lots of structure to feel safe.

I don’t want to talk about my past and my adoption in school, some of it is very upsetting and sad, Mommy says it’s probably because I’m not feeling secure enough yet and when I am I’ll be happy for the children to know more about me. Mommy says it’s very important that all the staff in school know that I’m adopted because otherwise they might accidentally say something that could upset me and that could be upsetting for them as well as for me.

I might worry about new topics, new tasks and tests. I’m always worrying about getting things wrong mommy says. I also might get worried if someone new comes into the classroom or even if I see a new face in the corridor, I might worry it’s a social worker coming to take me away or that something terrible has happened, my worries can be very dramatic mommy says. I might get upset if we do any work or topics on families or about when we were babies. Some of my memories may be difficult for me to think about as well as talk about, there may be things I don’t know about my early years making it even more difficult for me to take part. I might get worried about trips or new activities and will need you to explain to me exactly what is going to happen and what I will be doing and who will be keeping me safe, but if you can, please don’t tell me about things too early as I will worry about it at night when I’m trying to sleep. If I get really anxious, please let me know I can ring my mummy, sometimes just suggesting it is enough reassurance to let me know I’m safe and it’s all ok. My mummy is my safe base and I need to know she is there for me.

I really need you to help me this year to make some friends. It’s very difficult for me to be a friend because inside I don’t think I’m a very nice person so I think all the other children think that about me too. I very often have no one to play with and feel very lonely, this just makes me feel even sadder and more rubbish about myself. I find the playground very scary. I won’t always tell you I haven’t got a friend though because I’m very ashamed of this. I don’t really know how to make friends and I’m scared that if I try to be someone’s friend that they might not like me. There hasn’t been much in my life that I’ve been able to control so I prefer to do things my way as that’s when I feel safest, the other children don’t always want to do things my way and I find this frustrating and sometimes get angry and hurt myself in secret.

I don’t like telling my mummy when I’ve had a bad day as I worry she might be disappointed with me. So when I go home Mummy doesn’t understand why I’m so upset or angry and struggles to help me. It would really help my mummy if you could tell her about any upsets, sulks or strops I have at school even if they seem really insignificant, Mommy says I can make a mountain out of a mole hill with my worrying. Mummy likes to help me when I’ve been finding things difficult by keeping me close and calm and letting me talk things through so I can feel safe again and sleep at night.

My mummy has also put lots of useful information in this booklet, please copy anything you might want to refer to again or keep as a reminder but please give this book back to mummy when you’ve had a good read so she can update it and give it to my next teacher next year. If you want to talk to my mummy about anything in this book or anything you see me doing or hear me saying, she will be happy to chat, she can talk about me for hours and she knows me better than anyone else. Mommy says if there is anything she can do to help you, help me, she will.

I hope we have a lovely time learning together.

Middle Girls Letter to her New Teacher

Published July 9, 2014 by thefamilyof5

Following on from my previous post here is Middle Girls letter

Hello my name is Middle Girl

My mummy has put together this little booklet to help you understand me.
In 2010 I came to live with my new mummy and daddy. I’ve had a very traumatic start in life and this has meant that I’ve developed differently to other children, I’m emotionally very behind, I have speech and language difficulties and struggle with word finding, processing and memory. I also have a working diagnosis of Autism so I need you to be extra considerate of all of this and not expect me to be the same as the other children my age. Mummy says I’m a very complicated little girl that is very scared most of the time but she also says I’m the best at pretending to be OK and can trick most people, sometimes even her!

The adults in my early life did lots of things to make me feel scared and frightened, I never talk about them though because they’re too scary. I haven’t been able to trust anyone since, not even my new mommy and daddy. I will always do my best to keep the adults around me happy by being extra helpful and chatting to them, I smile a lot so that people will take less notice of me because if I look happy then the adults around me feel happy, if the adults are happy then I feel safer. Unhappy adults can be dangerous. I hide behind my smile because I’m scared. I need you to help me feel safe; mummy says it’s the most important thing ever.

I don’t have much confidence and my self-esteem is rock bottom my mummy says, I find my work really hard and I’m very behind but I don’t let that stop me, I always work enthusiastically because I want to please you, I need you to see when I’m pushing myself to hard and help me to see that you still think I’m great even if I get things wrong or don’t understand. I put myself under a lot of pressure to be great.

I might get upset if we do any work or topics on families or about when we were babies. Some of my memories are difficult for me to think about as well as talk about, there may be things I don’t know about my early years making it even more difficult for me to take part.

If I have a problem I will find it very difficult to explain and will need you to be really patient with me and not rush me because when I’m scared I can’t hear what you are saying or find the right words to speak, if you rush me I will worry that you’re getting angry and panic. Sometimes if it’s taking a while It’s better to tell me to have a think of the words I need and come back when I’m ready to talk. If other children talk for me or tell you their version of events I will just agree with them because it’s easier and I will think that you might get frustrated if I disagree, but this just makes me secretly angry with you for not giving me the chance to talk, even if you tried, I can be very irrational with my thinking mommy says. I will also get very worried if I think your angry. I might worry your annoyed with me because you’ve told someone else off. If you shout at someone, I will be really scared, if you shout at me I will be terrified. If I think your annoyed I wont hear what you say because I will be too frightened to listen.

I often get things mixed up and sometimes when you tell the class things like ‘if you have some shoe boxes at home please bring them for next week’s topic’ I’ll get very worried and tell mummy that I MUST have a box for the next day. Mummy understands that I get mixed up and tells me that if I need to take something into class then I must get a letter or note so she knows what is actually expected rather than my mixed up messages, please could you help me by making sure mummy knows if I need to bring anything in to school or do something for you, telling me to write it in my diary isn’t always enough, sometimes I can’t read what I’ve written or have forgotten what you said before I’ve had chance to write it but I won’t ask for help, please help me by making sure I have all the information to give to my mummy.

I don’t want to talk about my past and my adoption in school, some of it is very upsetting and sad, Mommy says it’s probably because I’m not feeling secure enough yet and when I am I’ll be happy for the children to know more about me. Mommy says it’s very important that all the staff in school know that I’m adopted because otherwise they might accidentally say something that could upset me and that could be upsetting for them as well as for me.

I love to play with my friends on the playground but mummy worry’s that my language and social difficulties make it difficult for me to ‘chat’ to my peers, please can you keep an eye on me on the playground and help me if I’m struggling with my peer group, I won’t ask for help. Sometimes if I’m struggling I will play with the boys because all they do is run about and that’s a lot easier for me, but actually I don’t like playing rough and feel quite scared sometimes if I get hurt in their games. I don’t even like running about, Mommy says I use so much energy worrying that I don’t have much left for moving never mind running and I don’t even sleep that much so my body is always exhausted.

I don’t like telling my mummy when I’ve had a bad day, I’m very good at hiding things from people because I have such a big smile. If mummy doesn’t know I’ve had a bad day then she won’t know I need her help to talk about things and If mummy doesn’t help me I will get angry and scream and shout at bedtime. Mummy likes to help me when I’ve been finding things difficult at school by keeping me close and calm and letting me talk about things so I can feel safer again, If my mommy does this every time I feel sad I will soon learn that I can trust her and that she can help me, It would really help my mummy if you could tell her about any upsets, sulks or strops I have at school even if they seem really small and unimportant, they might be important to me. I expect my mommy to read my mind, I expect her to know everything about me even if I don’t tell her, It will be the same with you, I need you to really ‘see’ me. If you think I’m happy and have settled in really quickly and appear to be having a great time and building a strong relationship with you, then you haven’t really ‘seen’ me and I’ve fooled you as well. I need to know that you’re listening to my mommy and that you’re both trying to keep me safe together. Mommy will know when I’m feeling secure in school because I will stop feeling angry at home on school days.

My mummy has also put lots of useful information in this booklet, please copy anything you might want to refer to again or keep as a reminder but please give this book back to mummy when you’ve had a good read so she can update it and give it to my next teacher next year. If you want to talk to my mummy about anything in this book or anything you see me doing or hear me saying, she will be happy to chat, she can talk about me for hours and she knows me better than anyone else. Mommy says if there is anything she can do to help you, help me, she will.

I hope we have a lovely time learning together.

Baby Girls Letter to her New Teacher

Published July 9, 2014 by thefamilyof5

Do you remember the ‘letters to teachers‘ that I did last year, well they were so popular that I felt almost obligated to share this years with you all. I’ve put together booklets for each of the girls new teachers with a covering letter along with Copy of Adoption UK’s Education Now magazine, the Understanding Why brochure from the National Childrens Bureau, a booklet called ‘Lets Learn Together’ from Adoption UK and a few articles that I’ve copied from various Magazines. So here goes!

Hello my name is Baby Girl

My mummy has put together this little booklet to help you understand me.
In 2010 I came to live with my new mummy and daddy. I’ve had a very difficult start in life and this has meant that I’ve developed a little differently to other children my age, I’m emotionally and socially very behind. I also have a working diagnosis of autism, you’ll need to be extra considerate of all of this and not expect me to be the same as the other children, mummy says ‘think aged 3’ and I’ll make more sense.

Sometimes the adults in my early life did things to make me feel very scared and frightened, my life was very chaotic. This means I find it very hard to trust adults around me to keep me safe. Mommy says I feel very anxious a lot of the time in school. When I’m anxious I worry about who will meet my needs, that can mean I spend a lot of time getting your attention, mummy says this can be exhausting sometimes and that it is because I need to know someone is keeping an eye on me. I feel frightened and alone if I think I’ve been forgotten so I will always do something to remind you I’m here. If I get really anxious, please let me know I can ring my mummy, sometimes just suggesting it is enough reassurance to let me know I’m safe and it’s all ok. My mummy is my safe base and I need to know she is there for me.

Sometimes I get worried about food, mummy says I’m obsessed with food especially when I’m stressed. Sometimes I might take other peoples food, mommy says this is because my rational brain is asleep when I’m at school because I’m so stressed out, so my survival brain takes over, this part of my brain doesn’t understand consequences so telling me off will have no effect, it will just frighten me even more. Mommy says the best way to handle me is to prevent me doing things in the first place by keeping a very close eye on me, this makes me feel safer and I am able to think more rationally about my choices. I like it when the TA is close by as she keeps an eye on me in class and this helps me to focus on my work. Mummy also says I’m very clever, super clever in fact, and if you help me to feel safe then I will stop worrying about being safe and will be able to show you just how clever I really am, you’ll be amazed!

I don’t want to talk about my past and my adoption in school, some of it’s very upsetting and sad and I don’t really understand most of it, Mommy says it’s also probably because I’m not feeling secure enough yet and when I am I’ll be happy for the children to know more about me. Mommy says its very important that all the staff in school know that I’m adopted because otherwise they might accidentally say something that could upset me and that could be upsetting for them as well as for me.

I find unstructured time at school a little overwhelming because I can’t regulate my behavior. Mummy says I’m a bit like a bottle of fizzy pop, and the excitement/stress of school shakes me up and up, so you need to help keep me calm so I don’t fizz all over the place. When I’m coping I’m very kind, considerate, thoughtful, chatty and sensitive.
I desperately want to be liked by everyone and to feel like I fit in, this might mean that I play games or with the types of children that scare me, remember inside I’m thinking like a 3 year old so lots of things scare me. I also find friendships very tricky mummy says, she says I’m very vulnerable and can be easily guided by children with strong personalities without me even realising. Help me to find kind and calm children to play with please, mummy says this is very important.

Sometimes when it looks like I’m having lots of fun and behaving ‘silly or excited’, I’m actually not coping very well and may need your help to calm me down and reassure me that everything is ok, telling me off will make me feel even more anxious. Mummy says I’m very sensitive, I pick up on people’s emotions and they can change the way I feel, so if someone in school gets upset or angry or stressed, it can make me feel all funny and stressed out too and I don’t even realise what’s happening. Sometimes Im feeling so anxious that I wont hear everything that you say, which means I might get worried about something I’ve mis-heard. Mommy says loud noises and smells can also cause me to become distracted and worried too, so I will need you to help me by keeping on eye on people and things around me that might upset me. I will also get very worried if I think your angry, sometimes I might think your angry just because your not smiling or I might worry your annoyed with me because you’ve told someone else off. If you shout at someone, I will be really scared, if you shout at me I will be terrified. If I think your annoyed I wont hear what you say because I will be too frightened.

If there are visitors in school I will be very frightened, I may even see the visitors before you because Im very nosey, so please try and stay one step ahead of me by knowing who is expected to visit school each day. I will need you to reassure me that I’m safe by explaining to me who they are and why they’re in school, If a visitor comes in to our class then I will need you to let me know I’m safe, If I don’t feel safe I might try and ‘please’ the visitor to make myself feel safe, I do this by being superficially charming and inappropriately affectionate mummy says.

If things change in school this will really worry me, even something simple like doing PE after break instead of before, will worry me and I will need you to prepare me for any change by explaining what’s happening but also telling me why so that I can understand, my brain works very fast, sometimes too fast, Mommy says my cognitive processing skills are excellent, so please explain things to me properly before my brain gets into a tizz and jumps to all sorts of peculiar conclusions.

I might get upset if we do any work or topics on families or about when we were babies. Some of my memories may be difficult for me to think about as well as talk about, there may be things I don’t know about my early years making it even more difficult for me to take part. I can get very confused and upset about my past.

I don’t like telling my mummy when I’ve had a bad day as I worry she might be disappointed with me. So when I go home after a tricky day Mummy doesn’t understand why I’m so upset or angry and struggles to know how to help me. It would really help my mummy if you could tell her about any upsets, sulks or strops I have at school even if they seem really insignificant, Mommy says I can make a mountain out of a mole hill with my worrying. Mummy likes to help me when I’ve been finding things difficult by keeping me close and calm and letting me talk things through so I can feel safe again and sleep at night. I like to know that you and mummy are working together, this helps me feel safe.

My mummy has also put lots of useful information in this booklet, please copy anything you might want to refer to again or keep as a reminder but please give this book back to mummy when you’ve had a good read so she can update it and give it to my next teacher next year. If you want to talk to my mummy about anything in this book or anything you see me doing or hear me saying, she will be happy to chat, she can talk about me for hours and she knows me better than anyone else. Mommy says if there is anything she can do to help you, help me, she will.

I hope we have a lovely time learning together.

check out my next 2 posts for middle girls and big girls letters.

Déjà vu

Published November 11, 2013 by thefamilyof5

There’s something familiar happening here, something that’s worrying me.
Baby girls having a tough time at school again.

Before I tell you about my worries, let me tell you about a few stories, things will all kinda add up in the end.

About 7 weeks ago baby girl got her first school party invitation, she was very excited. I noticed that during the party she seemed to struggle with interacting with her peers, she didn’t seem to know how to play with them and instead kind of just ran along side them, or stood along side them. Later on during the party a little girl came up to me, she was a shy little girl and her dad had only just managed to pries himself away from her to leave. She sat at the table and said ‘your BABY GIRLS mom aren’t you, she’s funny she’s always getting in to trouble for hiding under the table’. Its early days I thought, she’ll settle I’m sure.

About 6 weeks ago, baby girl was on the playground at home time, there was a girl happily playing on her scooter, it was one of those funky ones that have sparks that come out the back, any way, baby girl was really enjoying watching her playing whilst we waiting for her sisters. The little girl was smiling and gesturing to lots of the other kids and clearly enjoying all the attention she was getting. She scooted across the playground in our direction, oblivious of baby girls squeals of ‘go faster, go faster’. As she approached us she heard baby girl, looked in our direction to see who was calling out to her and that’s when i noticed it. The little girls face dropped. She went from being happy and smiley to angry and hostile. Baby girl quickly stepped back behind me and looked in another direction. I asked baby girl who the girl was, she told me it was a girl from her class. I asked if it was her friend, she said ‘yes, but sometimes she doesn’t like me’ I asked baby girl how she knew that sometimes she didn’t like her, baby girl said ‘ because sometimes she looks at me and goes urgh, its you’. Take no notice I said.

About 5 weeks ago, big girl tells me that baby girl was chasing one of the big boys around at play time. Baby girl said ‘but I love him mom, I really do. Your too young, I said, play with the children in your class.

About 4 weeks ago baby girl got a yellow card, it was on a Monday. This meant that on the Friday she had to miss her playtime. Her friend had given her a toy at play time. She’d put it in her dress pocket. In class she had her hand in her pocket and was messing with the toy. Her teacher asked her if she had something in her pocket. She said no. apparently she said no 3 times before her teacher told her to take the toy, that she knew she had, and put it in her bag. I attempted to explain to her teacher that day that whilst I agree that lying isn’t acceptable, she should also be aware that baby girl was lying out of fear. Fear of what would happen if her teacher got angry, She knows that angry adults can be scary. Her primal reaction is always fear based. I also tried to explain that a shame based sanction would just reinforce baby girls view of herself that she was bad. She missed her playtime that Friday.

About 3 weeks ago baby girl came out of school quite upset, after over an hour of trying to find out what was the matter I discovered that during play time one of the older boy’s had shouted at her to ‘move’. Now I know baby girl struggles with shouting and loud sudden noises, but her mood seemed very out of proportion for something that had happened hours before.

Half Term.

About a week ago baby girl came out of school and looked very worried and sad. She told me she’d been chosen to be a narrator in the Christmas play but she didn’t want to do it. With baby girl clinging to my arm I tried to speak to her teacher and explain that if we removed the pressure from baby girl by saying she didn’t ‘have’ to do it if she didn’t want to then i felt sure she’d feel more comfortable with the role and less pressured. the only reply the teacher would give is ‘well we do like them to have a try’. Clearly reluctant to help baby girl by reducing the pressure, I told her myself ‘if you don’t want to, you don’t have to’. Baby girl refused to hold my hand as we left the playground that day.

Last week baby girl came out of school upset. She said some of the children had said she’d broken a skipping rope and as a result she wasn’t allowed to play with the toys on the playground for a week. She was adamant that night that she hadn’t broken anything and thought the children must have got her mixed up. I spoke to her teacher the following morning and explained that I felt baby girl hadn’t broken anything and she was upset at being punished for something she hadn’t done. Her teacher said she’d sort it. When I collected baby girl later that day she told me her teacher had spoke to her, she told me she thought she was annoyed with her, she told me she kept saying ‘tell the truth’, she told me her teacher said she was ‘wasting her time’, she told me, ‘she didn’t believe me mommy’. I rang the head. She promised to sort it out on Monday (today) and let me know.

I collected baby girl today, she told me no one spoke to her about the skipping rope incident and she’s still not allowed the toys. Baby girls was very dark and negative tonight, I knew there was something she wasn’t telling me. After much investigating she told me about her day. There was prolonged trips to the toilet and swinging on the toilet doors, and her teacher telling her off. There were incidences of rocking on her chair, and her teacher telling her off. There was talk about not doing her work, and her teacher moving her. There was talk about swapping lunch with the little girl that didn’t like her. There was talk about spending a long time in the dinner hall, in fact most of lunch time. There was talk about children saying unkind things to her in the line on the way out of class.

Baby girls behavior at home has become more difficult over the last few weeks, she’s been more hostile and argumentative with her sisters. Her play has been much more negative with lots of talk about death and blood, she’s constantly mouthing and chewing things, she’s more fidgety and clearly not happy, even her sleep patterns have changed drastically.

Her teacher appears to have already lost her trust, any feelings of safety that she felt at school disappeared when her teacher disregarded her feelings and inflicted a shame based sanction on her and reinforced the idea that she is ‘bad’. If that wasn’t bad enough, she then later refused to hear her fears over the school play and then failed to believe her innocence allowing her to be punished for something she didn’t do.
She didn’t read any of the information I gave her did she!

Things are feeling really familiar here at the moment. She’s becoming totally dis-regulated in school again.
I’m very worried that things are just going to deteriorate, fast.

What do I do!?

School, a game of luck!

Published September 19, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Im feeling really quite sad and fed up lately and its all to do with school. Not the girls new school, they seem to be settling in really well, it is still early days though so Im not going to get too gushy about what a great time they’re having. No, whats really bothering me is the amount of facebook and twitter comments, moans, rants and even blogs I’m reading from adopters who are struggling with school. It really frustrates me that so many children are struggling and suffering because most schools just don’t ‘get it’.

Now I know that there isn’t really much specific attachment training available for teaching staff and I appreciate that schools have budgets and when deciding whether to spend money on training geared towards one child, or training geared towards all the children, then the majority win. However, what schools also seem to forget is that ‘attachment’ based teaching would benefit ALL of the children, not just the traumatised child in the class thats causing problems. But even without specialist training, why aren’t teachers listening to adopters, why am I reading frustrated comments about adopters feeling defeated, head teachers not listening, class teachers being dismissive, traumatised kids being re-traumatised by being excluded, punished, shamed and ostracised.

Poor Robbie, he must feel terribly ashamed.

Poor Robbie, he must feel terribly ashamed.

Just a few examples:
A boy, refused to come in from the playground at playtime, and became aggressive when they tried to force him. He was excluded for a week. No consideration given that this little scared boy was worried that no one was going to collect him from school because the pick up arrangements that day had changed. Change is a big thing for adopted children, change = bad in their minds.

A child arrives in class to discover the seating had all been changed. Asked the teacher why, and was told ‘because I can’. Child has melt down and is sat outside head teachers office to sit in shame and read the school rules manual.

Child complains of feeling sick, school ring parents. Parent explains its just anxiety due to the test that day, school demand the child is collected, parent misses day at work to sit with child during test. This child had his own TA.

What a naughty boy!

What a naughty boy!


And the comments I’m reading over and over:
School has been the one huge headache in our adoption and parenting journey.

Bloody schools when will they learn that just because they present as ok in school there are no issues.

I have tried to tell them, but all they see is someone who copes at school.

Told my child was fine, treated like a paranoid Mother.

We had this with school too, and even though we secured funding for extra support in school for a term, school refused it and told us it was us.

Even if they can’t see it at school some compassion wouldn’t go amiss, but they clearly see us as the enemy.

They’ve called him a model pupil. Except he often comes home wet, having not told anyone that he’s wet himself for fear of being told off.

She may smile and say she’s fine, but she’s been up all night peeing on my bedroom floor and in my wardrobe because you gave her the wrong spelling test.

Talked to them about regulation and stress and certain flash points, but they kept saying we don’t see this at school, My hubby asked the HT what she had found useful about Louise Bomber book and it was quite clear she hadn’t read it.

I can’t get school to recognise that their actions impact on behaviour outside of school.

He is not coping with the changes and this is showing by him wetting at school and home Her bright idea is to show him how to use the toilet, He knows what he needs to do!

Teacher informed me we are JUST doing stuff like family tree!

Started wetting himself the week before school started and has had a couple of accidents since as well. Stress induced I’m sure.

School is major stress for them.

hitting, kicking boy begging me to take him home at school drop off ‘this place isn’t safe mummy, take me home please…’

I sometimes wonder if this is the effect school will always have upon my child

achieving above and beyond at school but socially he doesn’t have a clue, school say no issues at all but at home is a total different story.

so the teachers need to know they are working at least twice as hard as their classmatess.

one week in and we have homework woes already

teacher was unaware of issues of adopted children

Feels like we're talking to a brick wall, not a teacher.

Feels like we’re talking to a brick wall, not a teacher.

These are real comments, I’ve merely copied and pasted them and worse still they’re all from within the last 14 days. Its sad isn’t it. Does it anger you as much as it does me?

How is this happening, why is this happening. Something needs to be done. Adopters cant MAKE schools listen alone, They need to be supported. These poor children need better understanding in schools! I’m not the only adopter forced to move their children from a school that didn’t ‘get it’, and I wont be the last. In fact, in the world of adoption, its very common. But why, when continuity and stability is what our children need, not a lottery of suitable schools/teachers, it shouldn’t be about ‘getting lucky’ with the right school, or struggling to find the right school, ALL schools should be the right school.

If your a teacher and you want to understand, buy and read a copy of this, read some adoption related books Louise Bomber has written some good ones, ask BAAF or Adoption UK about training, Your local authority post adoption team can probably offer you some support and training too, but talk to your adopted pupil’s parents, and most of all listen to them. Their idea’s might seem outrageous or bizarre, but they know their child’s needs better than you.

Our kids deserve to be happy in school and out of school.

Our kids deserve to be happy in school and out of school.

When we switch to focusing on the process instead of the outcome, the level and intensity of suffering decreases dramatically – Heather Talbert Forbes

Baby Girls letter to her new teacher.

Published July 1, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I’ve put together introduction booklets for the girls new teachers in September, last year I shared Big Girls letter and many of you commented on how much you liked it so I’m going to share them all with you this time.

Hello my name is Baby Girl

My mummy has put together this little booklet to help you understand me.

In 2010 I came to live with my new mummy and daddy. I’ve had a very difficult start in life and this has meant that I’ve developed a little differently to other children, I’m emotionally and socially very behind so I might need you to be extra considerate of this sometimes and not expect me to be the same as the other children my age.

Mommy says your school will be good for me as it’s small and calm and will help me feel safe, my last school was very big and busy and I felt very anxious a lot of the time. When I’m anxious I worry about who will meet my needs, that can mean I spend a lot of time in the medical room with fake hurts and invisible bumps, but please don’t send me away, I’m just making sure someone will take care of me. Sometimes I get worried about food as well, mummy says I’m obsessed with food when I’m stressed. Mummy also says I’m very clever and if you help me to feel safe then I will be able to stop worrying about making sure I’m safe and will be able to show you just how clever I really am.

Sometimes the adults in my early life did things to make me feel scared and frightened, my life was very chaotic. This means I find it very hard to trust adults around me to keep me safe. Mommy says I need to know you’re keeping an eye on me. If I think you’ve forgotten me I will do something silly to try and get your attention. Please let me know I’m safe by keeping a close eye on me. Because my life used to be so chaotic, I sometimes crave that familiar chaos around me, I find comfort in children that create chaos. Please help me to make better choices with my friendships, it’s important for me to learn that I can be happy without chaos in my life for me to be able to heal from my past traumas.

Sometimes when it looks like I’m having lots of fun and behaving ‘silly or excited’, I’m actually not coping very well and may need your help to calm me down and reassure me that everything is ok. I find unstructured time at school a little overwhelming because I can’t regulate my behavior. Mummy says I’m a bit like a bottle of fizzy pop, and the excitement of school shakes me up and up, so you need to help keep me calm to I don’t fizz all over the place. When I’m coping I’m very kind, considerate, thoughtful, chatty and sensitive.

I might get upset if we do any work or topics on families or about when we were babies.  Some of my memories may be difficult for me to think about as well as talk about, there may be things I don’t know about my early years making it even more difficult for me to take part. I can get very confused and upset about my past.

There hasn’t been many things in my life that I’ve been able to control so I like to take control of other things and I do this at school by not eating my lunch. Please help me to learn that not eating my lunch will only make me feel hungry, please don’t let me spend all of my lunch break in the dinner hall, Mommy says 20 to 30 minutes is plenty and please don’t give me snacks or milk if I say I’m hungry, mummy says she will make sure I don’t starve.

It would really help my mummy if you could tell her about any upsets, sulks or strops I have at school. I don’t like telling my mummy when I’ve had a bad day. Mummy likes to help me when I’ve been finding things difficult by keeping me close and calm so I can feel safe again.

My mummy has put this book together to help you understand me I hope you will read it. If you want to talk to my mummy about anything in this book or anything you see me doing or hear me saying, she will be happy to chat, she can talk about me for hours and she knows me better than anyone else.

My mummy has put lots of useful information in this booklet, please copy anything you might want to refer to again or keep as a reminder, please give this book back to mummy when you’ve had a good read so she can give it to my next teacher next year. Mommy says she knows me better than anyone else so if she can do anything to help you, help me, she will.

I hope we have a lovely time learning together.

Copies of Education Now and Understanding Why included.

Middle Girls letter to her new teacher.

Published July 1, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I’ve put together introduction booklets for the girls new teachers in September, last year I shared Big Girls letter and many of you commented on how much you liked it so I’m going to share them all with you this time.

Hello my name is Middle Girl

My mummy has put together this little booklet to help you understand me.

In 2010 I came to live with my new mummy and daddy. I’ve had a very difficult start in life and this has meant that I’ve developed a little differently to other children, I’m emotionally very behind, I also have difficulties with auditory processing and memory so I might need you to be extra considerate of this sometimes and not expect me to be the same as the other children my age.

Sometimes the adults in my early life did things to make me feel scared and frightened. I will always do my best to keep the adults around me happy by keeping them close, being extra helpful and chatting to them, I also smile a lot as adults like that.

My previous school was very big and very busy and even though I look like I enjoy school very much, I hide behind my smile because I’m scared, I need you to help me feel safe so that I don’t have to hide any more. I don’t have much confidence and my self-esteem is rock bottom my mummy says, I find my work really hard and I’m very behind but I don’t let that stop me, I always work enthusiastically because I want to please you, I need you to see when I’m pushing myself to hard and help me to see that you still think I’m great even if I get things wrong or don’t understand.

Sometimes when it looks like I’m having lots of fun and behaving ‘silly’, I’m actually very anxious and may need your help to calm me down and reassure me that everything is ok. I might get worried if I see a new face in the corridor, I might worry it’s a social worker coming to take me away to a new home. I might get upset if we do any work or topics on families or about when we were babies.  Some of my memories may be difficult for me to think about as well as talk about, there may be things I don’t know about my early years making it even more difficult for me to take part.

I often get things mixed up and sometimes when you tell the class things like ‘if you have some shoe boxes at home please bring them for next week’s topic’ I’ll get very worried and tell mummy that I MUST have a box for the next day. Mummy understands that I get mixed up and tells me that if I need to take something into class then I must get a letter or note so she knows what is actually expected rather than my mixed up messages, please could you help me by making sure mummy knows if I need to bring anything in to school or do something for you.

I love to play with my friends on the playground but mummy worry’s that my language difficulties might make it difficult to chat to my peers, please can you keep an eye on me on the playground and help me if I’m struggling with my peer group.

It would really help my mummy if you could tell her about any upsets, sulks or strops I have at school. I don’t like telling my mummy when I’ve had a bad day and I’m very good at hiding things from people because I have such a good smile. Mummy likes to help me when I’ve been finding things difficult by keeping me close and calm so I can feel safe again.

My mummy has put this book together to help you understand me I hope you will read it. If you want to talk to my mummy about anything in this book or anything you see me doing or hear me saying, she will be happy to chat, she can talk about me for hours and she knows me better than anyone else.

My mummy has put lots of useful information in this booklet, please copy anything you might want to refer to again or keep as a reminder, please give this book back to mummy when you’ve had a good read so she can give it to my next teacher next year. Mommy says she knows me better than anyone else so if she can do anything to help you, help me, she will.

I hope we have a lovely time learning together.

Copies of Education Now and Understanding Why, and Middle Girls Speech & Language Passport included.

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