shout

All posts tagged shout

Big Fat Fail!

Published April 11, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Today I failed as a Mommy.

I had terrible night last night and lay awake for hours pondering and worrying about various different issues and concerns we have with the girls.

An early start took us to an indoor play area with one of the girls school friends. They had a lovely time.

Trying to bring them down after though wasnt as much fun.

By lunch time I was starting to flake with my tiredness getting the better of me. They were bickering and getting louder and louder with my patience wearing thinner and thinner.  This afternoon, before I knew what was going on it happened, I shouted, loudly, at my big girl. She was misbehaving, but I was tired and irritable and I overreacted. They’d taken control. I was weak and they’d sensed this.

My middle girl instantly switched to fear mode and started sucking up to me and being overly lovely which is what she does whenever one of her sisters gets in to trouble.  This irritated me more but also made me feel really guilty, my overreaction had triggered a chain reaction in her.  My baby girl sensed my weakness and went in to controlling overdrive. Fail Fail Fail!

Baths that were supposed to calm them didn’t so I filled their bellys to the brim with carbs (pasta) and we had a calm and quiet afternoon of DVD’s and chocolate.

I’d like to say I regained my position of calm and in control, but im not sure I did. Todays taken us back months as far as attachment/trust/bonding is concerned I’m sure.

Tomorrow is a new day, I will remain calm and in control and I……. WILL ……..NOT…….. SHOUT!

I’ve Made Some Changes…………..

Published January 10, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Im reading a book, When Love Is Not Enough – Nancy Thomas and whilst i think this book addresses extreme cases I have decided to implement a few of the suggestions. I’ve come to realise how much my girls ‘Control’ us and manipulate others so Im hoping with the help of this book I can regain control and help heal my family.

Change 1

So, this morning I woke my middle girl up knowing she’d spent 2hours the night before messing about in bed.

The conversation would usually have gone:

Me: (in an angry tone) What on earth was the matter with you last night!

Daughter: I dont know

Me: (in angry tone) You spent 2 hours messing about last night, even after i came up and warned you to go to sleep. Well you’ll be pleased to know you’ll be going to bed early tonight!

Daughter: silence

Im left angry for the rest of the morning.

Instead the conversation went like this:

Me: (in gentle sympathetic tone) Good morning, oh dear you do like tired, you must be shattered you poor thing. I’ll tell you what, seen as your so tired I wont make you go to dancing tonight and you can have an early night to catch up on your sleep, oh you do look tired……………..wow…………..You are so lucky to have a mommy that loves you SO much that I let you catch up on your sleep arnt you?

Daughter: err…….yes

Me:  (with a smile) Come on then, up you get, lets get ready for school.

Daughter: (a little confused by my lack of annoyance) err…………ok Mommy.

The rest of the day involved much of the same with all my girls.

My youngest, who has pushed the control issues the most, has pushed a little more today in an attempt to annoy me. For example, today, whilst waiting for school to start and in a barely understandable voice, she said ‘dont tell me when my teacher comes out, I will tell you’, my reply would usually have been along the lines of  (in an irritated voice) ‘enough of the silly voice, stop being silly and stand nicely please’. Instead I said in a calm voice ‘oh dear I cant understand you, never mind’ and turned my head away. She also tried to insist that she would be shutting the car door herself and then reminded me that she was going to do that, when I closed the car door behind her (just like i do every day), all this fell upon deaf ears, it wasnt worth a battle. Then came the biggest test, dinner time, her meal was removed swiftly once she began with her ‘messing about’ and she was removed from the table with a gentle word from me along the lines of “its ok, you dont have to eat your dinner,  you should have just told me you wasnt hungry, never mind, off you go and play”

Change 2

I’ve asked the girls to each choose a privilege and we’ve set out how they can earn these privileges. They chose in secret so they couldn’t just copy each other, I gave them a few suggestions but told them they could choose anything they wanted within reason. My 2 older girls chose the same (one of my suggestions) they chose to be able to wear their hair down for school for one day rather than have it tied back. My baby girl put much more thought in to this it seems as she chose to go to Macdonald’s (also one of my suggestions), needless to say her big sisters were gutted to learn this!  So anyway we then discussed what they must do to earn this privilege. We told them we expect them to be respectful, responsible and fun to be around. We then talked about each of these and what they mean and how they are achieved and we agreed that if they can manage this for one week then they will have earned their privilege. The book I’m reading suggests that a child must develop responsibility and respect in order to develop their conscience. So we’ll give it a go and see how we get on. The book also suggests that it could take months for the child to earn their privilege, I suspect this is quite likely!

I’m very pleased with myself today and I feel very calm! I just hope I can keep it up, I know it’s not going to be easy! They know how to push my buttons and get a reaction, I just have to rise above it and remain in control.

When I react, they’re in control!

New tactics!

Published December 12, 2011 by thefamilyof5

Once again we find ourselves moving from pull ups back to pants for our baby girl.

Usually this is a happy joyous occasion filled with praise and encouragement. Not this time though. This time we’ve decided to try new tactics, instead of the usual count down from pull ups to pants as the contents of the pack disappear we’ve decided to let the event pass unnoticed.

We’ve wondered if she’s craving the praise she gets for going back in to pants, if so then the only way to get this is to fail in order to succeed.

This is about our 6th transition from pull ups to pants in 17months, but this is the first time ‘staying dry’ has been expected rather than rewarded.

Things need to change…….

Published November 10, 2011 by thefamilyof5

There is a huge amount of support available to new parents if they want it, its predominately for mums but its support non the less.
There are support groups for parents with children who have special needs such as dyspraxia, autism, aspergers etc. There are groups that address the needs of parents with children who have physical disabilities, or even mental disabilities. Groups exist for parents of children suffering serious illness, financial hardship. There’s groups for teen parents, parents of multiple births, single parents etc the list goes on. Even without support groups new mums are surrounded by support and advice from every angle, there’s health visitors, whilst not always popular, they give new mums a regular opportunity to access help without having to seek it out themselves. New mums get opportunity to meet other new mums at baby and toddler groups, aqua baby classes, and other types of groups where they can chat, rant, moan and get advice from other mums experiencing the same struggles as they do. There’s even those short exchanges in the park or Mothercare or even the baby food isle where they can coo over one another’s new baby and compare prams and car seats and discuss the best teething gel. Complete strangers approach them in public with empathy and compliment their new baby and sympathise about sleepless nights and crying. Family and friends visit more often than usual to see the new baby and new parent/s, offer advice, maybe offer some domestic help, cook a meal for them or even just share some adult conversation. New mums arnt expected to get dressed in the beginning let alone keep a tidy house and no one judges them for finding it harder than they expected.

Its a very different story for someone who adopts older children, there are no support groups, no health visitor, no toddler groups or baby food isle and strangers don’t coo over your tiny child and boost your confidence with their praise. Instead they see what looks like an experienced parent of multiple children not coping and they judge.

I’m still a new mum and I effectively have 16 month old triplets all with special needs.

I have family and friends that offer support and advice, but they can’t understand some of the struggles I face they can only sympathise and try to reassure me on doing a good job.

Days out with other mums or chats on the playground always end up at the same place, pregnancy, potty training, feeling broody, or about how proud they are of their child’s achievements this week. Conversations rarely cover bonding, attachment, trauma or how your school age child’s greatest achievement this week was not wetting or pooing themselves for attention. Sometimes adoptive parents need to talk to someone who talks the same language.

Once again I realise how isolated and lonely it can feel to be an adoptive parent, the saddest thing is, I’m not the only one.

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