resentment

All posts tagged resentment

A place for ‘Stuff’ at last!

Published January 11, 2014 by thefamilyof5

Those of you that have followed for a while will know that things were very tough here with baby girl and middle girl sharing a bedroom (those that haven’t been following can click the links below to catch up), we tried everything we could to get them to sleep in the same room but it was not to be. We found our selves at the end of our tether and not knowing what else to do. So we resulted to ‘Plan P’ as we called it and moved middle girl in to our room. Little did we know that a year later she’d still be there.

After lots of tears, lots of heart ache and lots, no millions, of phone calls we finally got some help from the placing authority with a little nudge from Sir Martin Narey, our Knight in Shinning Armour.The placing authority agreed to help us extend our home to have an additional bedroom. We’d been saved.

It took several months for the paper work to be drawn up, you know those solicitors, they like to drag their feet don’t they. Any way, almost a year after middle girl first moved in to our bedroom, in September 2013 our builder arrived and work began. It was the most stressful 12 weeks of my life I can tell you, I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m a bit of a clean freak, I hate dirt and mess. Fortunately for us, me, we had a good builder, actually he and his team were fantastic and did their best to keep the mess to a minimum.

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The girls coped surprisingly well too, there was lots of dust, things looked different, smelt different and felt different and then there was all the new faces, the strange and sometimes very loud noises, but they, well we, coped. It was so worth it. 10 days before Christmas the build was complete and we moved the girls in to their rooms, yes you read correctly, I did say 10 days, and yes I have twice as much grey hair as a result.

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I cant tell you the difference its made to our lives. The girls now each have their own spaces, somewhere they can be alone, somewhere they can relax, somewhere they can breath. They’re no longer sharing wardrobes, they’re no longer keeping each other, or better still me, awake at night. They’ve been able to personalise their own rooms and make them their own. They’ve got their ‘stuff’ where they want it and they love it!

But most of all, Baby girl and Middle girl have some space between them, and in this space I intend to grow a bond. Not the traumatic and resentful one they currently have, but a loving bond, a bond that will see them through the tough times ahead.

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We’ve been very lucky to get this help, and the magnitude of this luck has not been lost on us. We are and will continually be eternally grateful for all the help we’ve received.

I’ve linked this post up with this weeks #WASO over at the Adoption Social

They say……..

Published June 25, 2013 by thefamilyof5

They say the more she pushes away the closer I should pull her in,
They say the louder she screams the harder I should try to soothe her,
They say I shouldn’t take her anger personally,
They say she’s hurting inside,
They say I need to rise above it,
They say I should love her harder, love her better, love her more,
But I just can’t do it!

The gap between middle girl and me is widening. The more she screams and fights sleep at night and strops through her tiredness all day, the more I withdraw. I know its wrong.

I tried the therapeutic approach, I soothed her, I made allowances, excuses, I pulled her close and offered her reassurances, love and more and still she pushed. We’ve been fighting when we should have been bonding.

I moved her bed to my bedroom so baby girl could get some rest. I knew it was a mistake but I had no other choice. Now its me who gets no rest.

I’m ashamed, I’m angry, I’m resentful, I’m sad, I’m worried and I’m frustrated. I can’t change the way I feel, I no longer have the energy to pretend, I’m beat.

Until this situation changes, I can’t change, I’ve passed that point a long time ago.

We’ve never needed this extension more than we need it right now. We just have to hang on a little longer!

Sisterly love!

Published November 27, 2012 by thefamilyof5

I’m not sure if I’ve gone in to this much before, but I’ve always felt there was some resentment from middle girl towards baby girl. Possibly due to baby girl having been in a different foster care placement to middle and big girl.

There are lots of things that have happened over the last 2 years to make me think this, the recent sleeping issues is just the latest.

I’ve also mentioned baby girls issues around control and food. And her difficulties in nursery, reception and now year 1.

The lunch time difficulties have continued and increased as her sleep has dwindled. She ‘drops’ her lunch, she chucks it in the bin, she gives it to someone else, she eats other peoples lunch then after becoming totally dysregulated she gets ‘distracted’ and spends time messing about in the toilets. We’ve tried everything to encourage her eat her lunch. I’ve spoken to school about it on many many occasions over the years.

Last week I requested that baby girl sit with a dinner lady that’s been assigned to sit with another child. The school agreed and told me that the dinner lady wouldn’t be able to ‘deal’ with baby girl as her priority is the other child which I totally understood and agreed with, but she would be able to ‘supervise’ her eating. I was happy with this.

Yesterday was the first day of the new arrangements. It went brilliantly, baby girl ate all her lunch and in a reasonable time too. Because she was sat with an adult she was able to remain regulated meaning there was no messing about after lunch, no getting in trouble in class.

Baby girl got lots of praise for this, lots.

Today, middle girl decided she also wanted to sit with baby girl at lunch time, she’s never done this before.

There was chattering and fun and time ticked away. The dinner lady left because the boy she was with finished his lunch. Meaning baby girl was left sat with middle girl.

Middle girl decided it was her job to tidy up baby girls lunch things and tell her what to do, there was more chatter and silliness. A drink was spilt and middle girl told baby girl to throw some of her lunch in the bin, the rest got dropped on the floor.

It seems middle girl will go to all sorts of lengths to spoil things for baby girl.

Baby girl was in trouble in class today, several times.

I’ve cried today, several times.

Where will this ‘sibling rivalry’ take us?! No where good I suspect!

No Surprise

Published June 24, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Its hardly surprising that middle girl feels resentment towards baby girl.

For most of her memorable childhood she was in foster care with her big sister. Her big sister looked after her and allowed her to take the spot light as she was favoured by their foster carer. She was the baby of the foster family and allowances were made and extra treats given. She controlled and manipulated the adults around her, her weapon was ‘silence’.

Then along came her baby sister who’d been in a separate foster care placement. Suddenly she was no longer the baby of the family and big girl had found a new ‘baby’ in the house that she could follow around. Big girl stepped forward and middle girl stepped back.

After only a few weeks of living together all 3 girls were placed with us. Baby girl felt all confused and out of sorts and used ‘food’ to control the adults around her. Middle girl attempted to control the adults around her with ‘silence’ but unlike her days in foster care her attempts were futile. Big girl tried to take care of everyone and instructed her sisters to ‘call me mummy’ and paid all her attention to baby girl, perhaps cause she was the youngest, or perhaps because she was the easiest to manipulate.

As time went by they all struggled to find their places, baby girl desperately wanted to feel part of the group and pushed for attention from both of her sisters, big girl was only too willing to give it, with middle girl gradually stepping further back and allowing her needy sisters to take the ‘attention seeking’ stage.

I sit here today listening to baby girl and big girl doing some drawing together whilst middle girl loudly stomps up and down the playroom shouting and singing and playing loud music and doing anything she can to irritate her sisters and take some of their attention for herself.

She’s understandably tired of being left out, she’s angry at her baby sister for taking her big sisters attention away from her, she’s fed up of sitting in the background and she’s going to do everything she can to put things ‘right’. It seems targeting baby girl in a bid to get her into trouble and then misbehaving herself to bring down the spot light on to the smile that she hides behind are her battle tactics!

She’s declaring war on her sisters, things are gonna get ugly!

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