love

All posts tagged love

Be my valentine……….

Published February 11, 2014 by thefamilyof5

Baby girl: what’s verytimes day mommy?

Me: do you mean valentines day? That’s a special day when you show the people you love how much you love them.

Baby girl: but I haven’t got a boyfriend!

Me: it doesn’t have to be a boyfriend, it’s just a special day for love, so that can mean anyone that you love.

She came home that day with this that she’d made in her break at school, shhh though, I’m not supposed to have seen it yet! 😉

IMG_20140211_132749_edit

Advertisements

They say……..

Published June 25, 2013 by thefamilyof5

They say the more she pushes away the closer I should pull her in,
They say the louder she screams the harder I should try to soothe her,
They say I shouldn’t take her anger personally,
They say she’s hurting inside,
They say I need to rise above it,
They say I should love her harder, love her better, love her more,
But I just can’t do it!

The gap between middle girl and me is widening. The more she screams and fights sleep at night and strops through her tiredness all day, the more I withdraw. I know its wrong.

I tried the therapeutic approach, I soothed her, I made allowances, excuses, I pulled her close and offered her reassurances, love and more and still she pushed. We’ve been fighting when we should have been bonding.

I moved her bed to my bedroom so baby girl could get some rest. I knew it was a mistake but I had no other choice. Now its me who gets no rest.

I’m ashamed, I’m angry, I’m resentful, I’m sad, I’m worried and I’m frustrated. I can’t change the way I feel, I no longer have the energy to pretend, I’m beat.

Until this situation changes, I can’t change, I’ve passed that point a long time ago.

We’ve never needed this extension more than we need it right now. We just have to hang on a little longer!

Facebook, Photo’s and Letterbox Contact!

Published May 25, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I made a discovery last night, its a discovery most adoptive parents make at some point or another, its the realisation that birth mum really hasn’t got a clue!

I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that we have a letter box agreement, we write to various members of birth family throughout the year. I always try to keep the letters vague yet positive and respectful of the reader’s feelings. I’ve included photo’s and even some of the girls artwork. I’ve always felt such pity for birth mom, a sadness for her loss and sorrow for the mess that her life has always been.

So you can imagine my reaction to discovering photo’s of MY children on her facebook account. With comments about how much ‘mommy’ loves them, referencing to them as ‘my girls’, and even accounts set up in the girls names with yet more photo’s. I felt physically sick at first. Sick to the pit of my stomach. The sickness soon turned in to anger. How dare she refer to herself as ‘mommy’. How dare she! This is the woman that neglected MY girls, abused MY girls, traumatised MY girls and put her own wants before even the basic needs of MY girls. MY girls were taken from her care for their own safety, they were not lovingly given up!

It ME that’s helping them to heal, its ME that’s soothing them in the night after nightmares, its ME that’s putting them first, its ME that’s showing them the world is a good place and they are safe, its ME that’s showing them they are good and worthy, its ME that lays awake night after night with worry, its ME that dries their tears whilst holding back my own, its ME that’s showing them they need never worry about hunger again, its ME that’s showing them how to take care of the things around them, its ME that’s fighting for them, its ME that’s showing them real love, real happiness, real respect.

I AM THEIR MUMMY!
She is their ABUSER!

I will struggle to write my next letter I will find it hard to be so positive and respectful. Perhaps she’d like to know about the nightmares, the fear, the struggles, the therapy and the lasting and devastating effects of the trauma that SHE has caused.

But I am better than that, I will bite my tongue, I will respect MY girls and continue to write to her in a respectful manner. Because MY girls needs always come first. Those lines of communication need to remain open for now, it cannot and should not be my choice to change things, its a choice for MY girls as they get older. MY girls are finding their own voices, they’ll let me know their wishes in time and I will respect them whatever they are, because I AM THEIR MUMMY!

Happy Tears

Published February 4, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Happy tears are something big girl struggles to understand, why would you cry if your happy afterall.

She had a very bad nights sleep last night, in fact, I’m not sure she slept at all. So this morning whilst we were getting ready for school I took the opportunity to ask her if there was something the matter (I’d also asked her this in the night when I’d seen her struggling to sleep). She said the usual ‘nothing’. So I asked what she thought she might have been thinking about that was keeping her awake, she um’d and ah’d and um’d and ah’d some more, she very clearly wanted to say something but just wasn’t quite sure.

*I felt anxious and worried that I’d missed something and she’s been struggling alone with some huge worry.

Then she said

‘You know how we was born from (insert birth mum’s name) tummy, but she couldn’t do the mummy job very well’

*I felt panic, I was sure she was going to tell me she missed her, or wished she’d done a better job so she’d never had to leave, or that she now wanted to go and live with her.

Then she said

‘I wished we’d been born from your tummy’

*I burst in to tears

She looked horrified momentarily until I reassured her they were happy tears. We cuddled and I told her that also wished that they’d all been born out of my tummy and that even though I was crying, they were happy tears because what she’d said made me feel very happy inside.

Of all my girls she is the one I least expected to hear that from, in fact I’ve been subtly preparing myself for the time when she tell’s me she doesn’t want to live with us any more and wants to live with her birth mummy, because that’s what I’ve always felt she ‘felt’. I’ve never ever felt that she ‘wanted’ me to be her mummy.
Seems I got her all wrong. It also shows how very little my girls ‘give’ me and how much of what I think I know, I’ve had to ‘guess’.

She beamed her way in to school today!

And I beamed with her!

Loving her is easy.

Published November 29, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Baby girl said to me tonight
‘I love you 100 50 10 money pounds Mommy’

I could have munched the little cutie pie right there and then!

Instead I kissed her and said ‘I love you to the moon and back’ and I do, she makes it so easy to love her, she needs me, she fights with me, she pushes me to the extreme, she wants me to be her mommy. She shares her emotions, both good and bad with me, something her sisters rarely do.

Baby girls had a good couple of days, she’s had 12+ hours sleep each night, eaten her lunch at school and not been in trouble once. She’s like a different child. We see the little Ms Hyde too often these days!

These are the days we need more of, these are the memories we should be creating, these are the moments we should be cherishing every day so in those dark teen years looming in the distance we’ll have something to look back on, something to smile about to get us through!

%d bloggers like this: