Lies

All posts tagged Lies

Trust

Published March 18, 2016 by thefamilyof5

TRUST

Firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something:relations have to be built on trust

I have spent the last 6 years trying to earn the trust of my girls, we’ve engaged in services designed to encourage the relationship and promote trust. I have engaged with professionals from various departments always maintaining a very open relationship. Secrets aren’t helpful are they. Helping my girls has always been my one and only agenda.

I have spent the last 6 years trusting that the professionals and support services around us were focused on supporting us to the best of their ability. I have been open, honest and trusting. I have placed my faith in the system.

I made a SAR (subject access request – request for files) with the placing authorities adoption department last year. I also made one with our local authorities education department last month and the high school we withdrew big girl from last October.  They made for interesting reading to say the least.

Trust. Seems it is possible to be too trusting.

I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to place my trust in the very ‘systems’ designed to help and support us. It seems their agenda is different to mine. Theirs involves a lot of finger pointing, back covering, box ticking and secrets it seems.

How can I help my girls to invest their trust in me, in this world that we live in, how can they know who they can turn to for help, when even I am unsure of who I can trust and who I can turn to for help.

The Secret & The Lie

Published March 17, 2015 by thefamilyof5

Remember ‘The Secret‘? well last night I learnt something new that completely knocked me off my feet.

I’m still in shock so bare with me whilst I try and explain.

When I collected the girls from school last night Middle girl came out looking anxious, I asked if she was ok and she told me some of the girls in her class had said something about her being adopted, the words she said they used instantly struck a chord with me as they were my words, something I’d said relating to one of their older siblings, but they were my words. Baby girl has often repeated those words so I instantly thought, ‘Baby girls been saying something in school, those are my words from Baby girl.’ I reassured Middle girl that it would be ok and we asked the teacher if she’d have a quiet word with the girls in question and ask them to stop.

Just to recap, over the last 3-4 weeks people in school have been asking Baby girl and Middle girl questions about them being adopted. Both girls have been distressed, both girls adamant they haven’t mentioned anything to anyone and didn’t want people to know. Some girls in Middle girls class have been quite persistent and she’s become increasingly more upset. She doesn’t want to answer their questions, she’s sat with her head in her hands sobbing and telling me things like ‘I had forgot I was adopted until they reminded me’ ‘I never wanted anyone in school to know’ ‘Why has someone told them’ ‘I only want to think about happy stuff in school’. My heart has ached for her, she clearly found it particularly difficult and was angry, angry that ‘someone’ would tell her story, angry that people were asking her questions, just angry.

I needed to find out what had been said. They were asking me to help them, to sort it out with school, but I knew now that someone wasn’t being straight with me, my words were being branded around school and I needed to find out how they got there. I needed to get to the bottom of it. I knew big girl told people last Easter so I couldn’t be sure that something hadn’t been said more recently. My initial thoughts were that it was Big girl, she’s been feeling quite out of sorts what with SATS and High School on her radar at the moment, I wouldn’t have put it past her to have blurted something out. She assured me she hadn’t but I made it clear that I wasn’t sure if I believed her. Next on my list was Baby girl, she often blurts things out without realising what she’s saying or the implications. Baby girl also lies constantly, usually quite impulsively so not very complicated and usually fear based. Plus If I’m honest this whole saga didn’t seem to be bothering her so much, yes she was telling me that she didn’t want people in school to know that she was adopted, but she wasn’t crying or worrying endlessly or even angry, it seemed to wash over her head in fact. So I grilled her, even tried to trick her in to owning up by telling her ‘I knew she had told someone’. It didn’t work, she was still adamant that she hadn’t told anyone.

I sat them all down, I explained that no one was going to get in to trouble, that I knew they wanted my help but I needed all the information if I was going to be able to help them. I promised no one would even get in to trouble for lying so far. I assured them that it would be ok. I gave Baby girl the ‘I know its you look’. Still nothing. I gave Big girl the ‘Come on tell me look’. Nothing. New tactics. I suggested I’d be impressed with whoever it was that was brave enough to tell me, I suggested I might even reward the person. Still nothing. I repeated the above, emphasizing on ‘how proud I would be of the person to tell me’. I waited.

It took a while but then she mumbled something, I asked her to speak up because I couldn’t hear ‘I told XYZ in my class because she’s my best friend’ Middle girl said.

I’ve been shell shocked ever since. The lies, the complicated, manipulative, heartbreaking lies, the tears, the anger, the lies. I have no words. She played me, and school, like a fiddle.

Needless to say the ‘Plan’ that we had, to tell their classes ‘The Secret’, its not going to happen now. Rightly or wrongly I’ve decided that in the same way that Big girl had to deal with the consequences of her actions last Easter, so would Middle girl. I have given her the narrative she’ll need but that’s as far as it goes. I kept my promise and praised her and thanked her for her honesty and just like I’d assured them, she didn’t get in to any trouble. I  did however insist that she apologise to her sisters, which she found incredibly hard, and I have also apologised to both Big and Baby girl for not believing them (whilst chucking in a quick lesson about lies and how if they always told the truth I’d have been able to believe them). Both our key worker and head teacher have also been left lost for words after hearing this new piece of information this morning.

All my girls lie. Usually I can see through those lies and even make sense of them.  I can rationalise they’re coming from a place of fear. I don’t like being lied to, I don’t like that I cant believe them, but I ‘get it’.

I don’t get this. I don’t get it at all, and the magnitude and complexity of this lie scares me. I’m scared for her. Terrified in fact.

For Breakfast today there’s Toast, Cereal or Lies?

Published April 3, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I HATE lies, I’ve blogged many times about the frustration I feel when presented with blatant, pointless lies so you can imagine how elated I was to be presented with a pointless lie within 10 minutes of being out of bed this morning.

Middle girl decided instead of answering a simple question with honesty, it would be much better to lie and turn it in to something much bigger than it needed to be and even implicate baby girl in her web of lies.

So what could possibly be so awful that she’d need to lie, so awful that she’d need to look me dead in the eye and tell me it was baby girl, something so awful that she would sit and repeatedly look baby girl in the eye and say ‘it was you not me’.

Soap! I kid you not, she lied about using soap, the soap that’s freely available for use by all.

Today when big girl went to brush her teeth there were bubbles in the sink and big girl wondered why they were there and asked me, so I asked ‘did someone use the soap?’ to which middle girl and baby girl both replied ‘NO’ leaving me knowing someone was lying.

Both baby girl and middle girl have lied to me in the past so I really wasn’t sure who was telling the truth and who was lying. I explained that using soap wasn’t a bad thing, its there to be used and in fact washing hands properly was something to be praised for and that no one would be in trouble, I asked trick questions, I scrutinised reactions, I really didn’t have a clue.

I could have dropped it, it wasn’t important, it was ONLY soap, but a lie is a lie and I just can’t let them go, it goes against everything I believe in.

Eventually, after 2 hours, she told the truth and I said sorry to baby girl for not believing her.

‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ they say, and yes soap is not worth a battle, but for me, lies are!

Tell us a story Jackanory…………….

Published September 28, 2012 by thefamilyof5

The story they told us………….

Here are 3 very pretty girls that will take a few months to settle with you but you’ll all be fine and we will support you every step of the way.

 

What they should have told us……………….

Here are 3 very pretty girls that all have special needs

Your eldest daughter will be diagnosed with ASD, she will be difficult to parent.

Your middle daughter has serious resentment towards her younger sister and really shouldnt share a room with her. She also has life long auditory processing issues and will need lots of support with this.

Your younger daughter has control issues and some behavioural difficulties that will possibly result in a diagnosis of ADD or something similar.

Life will be very hard, your daughters may never attach to you and we wont be supporting you. You will have to fight a constant battle to get the help you will need for your family. Your marriage will suffer, your friendships will suffer, your mental health will suffer and you will cry a lot.

Like vs Dislike, Truth vs Lies, Real vs Fake

Published April 1, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Today I made the girls lunch, they had wraps filled with cheese, tomato and cucumber, their favourite. I added a tiny bread stick type snack to their plates, for them to try.  My baby girl and my middle girl took a big bite and simultaneously said that they liked it, in fact what they actually said is ‘Mmmmm its yummy’.  My big girl, always the least brave when it comes to trying new foods, had tiniest bite, pulled a face and said she didn’t like it. I told her to try to eat it all and then decide if she liked it or not as a teeny amount wasnt really enough for her to be able to decide properly. So she pulled a strop face and ate it. All the time she was eating she was pulling faces and shuddering in disgust. So whilst she was eating her teeny bread stick, I offered my other two girls the bag of sticks and told them to help themselves, they took a nice big handful each. My baby girl commented that her big sister wouldn’t want any as she didn’t like them. I then looked at my big girl who was mid shudder (fake of course) and I asked if she wanted any more. Her face changed from disgust to happy in an instant and she said ‘yes please I like them now’ and with that she took a handful and happily sat and ate them, not a shudder in sight!?

So what was that all about? the faces she pulled and the shuddering were very obviously exaggerated, if not fake. so why? I wonder if she doesn’t know what ‘to like’ or ‘to dislike’ is? She’s shown me that she doesn’t recognise some of her other ‘feelings’ and ’emotions’ so maybe ‘taste is another.

At tea time tonight I served up their meal. They were having breaded turkey scallops , roast potato’s and vegetables. My big girl said to me ‘is this fish mommy?’ I told her it wasnt and that she should try it to find out. She muttered to herself ‘oh it must be chips then’. …………………Hmmm……….yes of course, that big flat piece of breaded turkey looks just like chips doesn’t it?!

This is just two examples of strange ‘reactions/behaviours’ from my big girl, my days are filled with these. I’m left feeling very frustrated, confused and bewildered most days.

Their ‘lies’ come in many forms, meaning I have to scrutinise their fake reactions as well as their misleading words to try and see whats ‘real’.

I miss those days when I could beleive what my eyes saw and trust what my ears heard.

Was she having me on?!

Published March 15, 2012 by thefamilyof5

My big girl came out of school looking quite pale and unhappy. I asked if she’d had a nice day and she told me some of the children had been telling tales about her and she didn’t like it.

I called her aside and asked her to tell me about her day once we were home and she burst in to tears and continued to tell me about the ‘tale telling’. There seemed to be something else and far too many tears to just be about ‘tale telling’. I reminded her that she could tell me anything, and that she was at home and we were safe and that no matter what I would always love her and always be her Mummy.

The conversation went on for some time, she didn’t say much but she cried a lot, whenever I asked her ‘what’s causing all these tears’ she’d get even more upset. On a few occasions she looked as if she was about to tell me something…………….and then she’d just ask for a tissue, or just say ‘erm, erm’.

She’d starting sitting on the floor and had gradually crept up till she was on my lap, she cried most of the time and said very little.

Then out of the blue she went from uncontrollable crying to talking in a calm and controlled voice saying ‘is daddy in the shower cause I need the toilet’

She gets up, skips off as though nothing has happened.

I’m left feeling confused and bewildered, drained and exhausted.

Was there something, or did she just like the attention she was getting from me?!

Lies………..again.

Published March 3, 2012 by thefamilyof5

I detest lies……. I loath them……… I can’t condone or understand them. I’ve always given my girls several chances to come clean with the truth and reminded them that they’ll always get in to more trouble for lying about an incident, than the incident its self.

My baby girl and my big girl have lied on many occasions, some big some small, some blatant, some shameful, but lies none the less.

My middle girls usually been the one to make better choices, so when she stared me dead in the eye, confidently assured me it wasn’t her and swore she had no idea even how the pop up book got broken, I believed her. Instead I turned my attention to her worried and guilty looking sisters.

I now know that I can’t believe any of my girls. This leaves me feeling sad and worried for them.

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