happiness

All posts tagged happiness

Photo Challenge #FO5photo day 15

Published December 5, 2014 by thefamilyof5

The theme for today’s photo challenge is ‘Happiness’.  Things are tough here right now, I’m sure it’s the same for many families, the run up to Christmas means anticipation, christmas plays, new school timetables and it can prove too much for many.

I long for the happiness to return. I fear we may have quite a wait though, in reality the only time we’re really free, really happy, and away from the stress and pressures of school with it’s expectations and demands, and the only time we’re really able to relax, is on holiday. It doesn’t matter where we go, or for how long, what matters is the girls know ‘holiday’ means ‘no school’, so it’s the only time they really relax, which means it’s the onlly time we ALL relax.

Happiness is.......

Future

Published October 26, 2013 by thefamilyof5

This weeks Theme for #WASO is ‘Future’.

I spend a lot of time worrying about the girls future and also our future as a family. I’m sure all parents worry about their children’s future, will they get a good job, will they marry, will they have a family of their own etc.

I worry about all of the above, but I also worry about some of the finer details of life as well.

Will big  girls infatuation with being a mom lead her to become one too soon, will she continue the cycle of self destruction that she was born in to, will she ever trust any one enough to be able to have a loving relationship with them, will she have friends, will she allow herself to feel loved and have learnt how to love. Will she return to her past and the path she was on. Will she be happy!

Will middle girl ever open her heart and let us in, will she ever trust the world around her or will she continue to hide and avoid the world, perhaps behind a bottle or a drug induce state. Will her academic difficulties hold her back, will she ever feel ‘good enough’. Will she be happy!

I worry that baby girl may never feel she truly belongs, will she always feel she has to compete to fit in, will her need for attention and reactions get her in to trouble, will her thrill seeking land her in hot water, will she be too controlling for friends, will she learn to be happy without chaos. Will she be happy!

I worry about the present too, I worry that I’m not doing the right things, that I’m not saying the right things, that I’m not giving them what they need.

I worry that i’ll never be able to ‘give’ enough, that i’ll never be able to fill those gaps from their past.

I worry that i’ll never be enough!

Anyone have a crystal ball I can borrow!!? No?

Published February 22, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I think we’re heading somewhere
We’ve been heading there for a few weeks now, baby girl and big girl are in the driving seat it seems and we’re rapidly picking up speed
I don’t know if its somewhere nice or somewhere grim where we’re going
I don’t know if its somewhere where the smiles are a plenty or tears erupt frequently.

I wish I had a crystal ball to find out our unknown destination!

What I do know is that we have lots of intensifying behaviours developing:

We have constant ‘hurts’
We have jealousy
We have that intensified attention seeking (again)
We have competitiveness
We have nightmares
We have defiance
We have watching
We have checking
We have pushing boundary’s
We have anger
We have ‘stares’ and ‘looks’
We have obsessive behaviours and more.

Somethings going on, I just don’t know what?!

*bracing myself

The ASD assesment – Session one

Published June 20, 2012 by thefamilyof5

So big girls been referred by the Community Paediatrician for an assessment to see if she has an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD).
Today was our first appointment. I found I did very little talking which suited me and made a refreshing change. The psychologist observed my big girl quite a lot whilst chatting to me in general about ASD and what it means. She interacted with big girl a few times with some of the toys in the room and commented about how there was little to no eye contact made and that she wasn’t really ‘playing’ with anything. She asked me about her ‘play styles/behaviour’ and if today she was behaving typically, to which I replied, that aside from being understandably anxious, yes she was. She asked about our family and also a little history on the adoption and how we found the process. We chatted about post Adoption support, or the lack of it and we covered school and some of the issues my daughter faces there. We chatted about her sleep patterns and some of the issues and challenges we face with all 3 the sisters as a group and their dynamics. All in all the appointment lasted an hour, it went well I felt and I was reassured when the psychologist told me she can ‘see’ why the referral had been made and that it was correct for her to have been referred to them, although, understandably at this stage she couldn’t comment as to whether what she was seeing due to ASD or something else. I suspect the something else she has in mind is ‘attachment’ but we’ll see.
Big girl coped well to, she was understandably anxious and cautious about what was going on, she was hyper vigilant and whilst seeming to be playing in the background, she listened to and saw everything. She did her usual thing of drawing me an ‘I love you Mummy’ picture. She always does this during appointments, its as though she needs to reassure the other person in the room that she’s ‘happy’ and doesn’t need to be ‘removed’ 😦 she was very anxious during the appointment which resulted in what I describe as ‘silly’ behaviour but she coped. She was clearly eager to leave being the first one out the door and down the steps when the psychologist told us it was time to leave. She was still ‘very high’ when we left the building and wasn’t too impressed at the idea of returning to school so we had a quick browse round a nearby supermarket and chatted about the appointment in order to calm her down. I wondered out loud about how she must have found it all very strange and worrying going to another ‘appointment’, I explained that the people in this place were hopefully going to help her, by making school a little less difficult for her so she wouldn’t find it so hard and could enjoy it more. I promised her it was nothing to worry about and we talked about promises and what they mean and how they must never be broken. She was regulated and calm again. Back to school she went.

I on the other hand was left feeling, well, kinda sad really.

I went in to adoption knowing there would be behavioural and emotional challenges that we’d face over the years. I expected defiance, I expected destruction, I expected temper tantrums, I expected shouting, screaming and lots of crying, but from them, not me! So I never once thought it would be easy, but I didn’t know just how hard it would be or how long everything would take and how much I’d have to fight for my girls. I wasn’t prepared for the amount of help we’d need, or how unwilling everyone would be to give it, I couldn’t have envisaged the resentment issues between baby girl and middle girl, I knew nothing of the sleep issues we’d face, or the controlling behaviour baby girl would throw our way or the manipulation big girl would use to protect herself, I wasn’t prepared for cognitive issues, I certainly didn’t know what ‘compliance’ was or how difficult compliance would be, I didn’t know just how much I’d struggle to spread myself evenly between 3 unattached, attention demanding children, I didn’t foresee the difficulties of 3 and how one would always feel left out, I didn’t know that some of my friends would leave because they couldn’t understand or how some people would judge me because they to don’t understand, I didn’t know that in 2years time I’d feel even more helpless and out of my depth than I did back then. I didn’t even have any understanding of how all of this would make me feel, I probably still don’t.

In the last 12 months I’ve met with Psychotherapists, psychologists, school Senco, Senses teacher, occupation therapists, speech and language therapists, Gp, school nurse, community paediatricians, physiotherapist, class teachers and social workers all with a view to help my big girl to be happy and she’s not even 8 yet. None of this was what I expected, none of this is what I’d have chosen. I know no one has the luxury of deciding the future for their children, and everyone’s basic hope is that their children grow to be well adjusted happy and healthy individuals and then there are also those bigger hopes of a good education, prestigious job, a family of their own and a network of friends to support them through life.
I wasn’t naive, I knew the girls poor start was likely to have an impact on them well into adulthood with their being a strong chance that those hormones and emotions would take president over education for most of their teens, I just never expected my days would be full with all these appointments and assessments and consultations and telephone calls, it doesn’t leave much room for happiness, which is the one thing I took for granted.

I’ve gone off on a bit of a tangent here, but this mornings appointment has just left me feeling kinda sad and empty and needing to ‘off load’, so consider yourselves now ‘loaded’ with the contents of my head, ahhh that feels better. Its all for a good cause too, I really need to get some house work done. When I started writing this I had a head full of jelly and I couldn’t even think where to start let alone how to actually clean, but now I’m off to get the vacuum out.

But before I go, I’ll just let you know that Big girl also has an appointment with CAMHS Monday, they’ve called an emergency appointment because of the ‘self harming’ issue at school last week so there will be more about that then.

Puddles and Giggles

Published June 9, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Today has been about 7 special children having fun, enjoying the outdoors, the fresh air and being carefree. There was mud, there was worms, there was spiders and puddles.

We met with some family’s that I’ve recently got in touch with via a small adoption network.
Our children had never met, and most of us had never met.
We all started the day as strangers and all ended it as friends.
It hasn’t been sunny, I haven’t eaten any chocolate, I’ve been bitten by bugs and nibbled by mites but some how, some way my days been lovely!

I smiled as I tucked my big girl in to bed tonight, (and not because I was glad to be tucking her in for the night) and she smiled back at me and for those few seconds I smiled inside as well.

I need to cherish these moments of warmth and happiness and then maybe, just maybe, they’ll breed and well have more of them 🙂

Half Term’s over, Phew!

Published June 9, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Well its been a school holiday like no other. And by that I mean I haven’t enjoyed it. I spend the whole of school term time longing for our fun filled relaxed school holidays. This week I’ve longed for it to be over which makes me feel very sad. If I can’t enjoy being a mummy term time, and I can’t enjoy being a mummy in the holidays, what’s left?
Hubby has had this week off work and I’ve even noticed his enthusiasm flake throughout the week. What’s happening to us?

Its not just this week, this week was the little glimmer of ‘hope’ I’ve been aiming for, for the last few miserable weeks. It turned out to be more of a frazzle than a glimmer though. -_-
I remember in the beginning being happy, enthusiastic, patient, warm and understanding. I enjoyed being a Mummy even though it was really hard work, and I still found time to smile with them. Over time my enthusiasms faded, my patience has vanished and my enjoyment has withered.

These 3 gorgeous little girls with beautiful smiles and infectious giggles have taken everything I had to give. There’s only so many times you can be given a loveless hug, a fake smile, a side wards glance and a dirty look before it starts to pull you down. There’s only so many times your buttons can be pressed before they get stuck in the ‘on’ position. I used to wake excited for the day ahead, now I wake prepared to battle.

So where is the light at the end of our tunnel now?
Is CAMHS the answer for our family here? Or do I need to see my GP for those dreaded pills so I can learn to ‘switch’ off like my mum keeps telling me I need to do, like its that simple? Or is this just my reality now, is the sunshine to remain hidden from us? Am I ever going to be able to enjoy being the Mummy I so longed to be?

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