All posts tagged feelings

Drowning in nothingness

Published August 15, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Some days I long for a tantrum, some spontaneity, some genuine emotion, some honesty and feeling.

The predictability, stability, routine, and calm that fills our days can sometimes be suffocating, (as well as boring).

I’m watched, scrutinized, analysed and observed.

I’m told the ‘right’ answers,dutifully paid lip service and deprived of the truth, the real, the raw.

I’m constantly aware of my own reactions, movements and emotions.

I’m careful to not startle, alert or shock. ( I often fail with a cough too loud, or when I move too quickly, or drop something)

I’m forced to quash any sign of ‘craziness’.

I’m the mommy that has to spoil too much fun, calm the manic laughter and settle the first signs of over excitement (or face the consequences of over stimulated, over anxious and over tired kids, which isn’t pretty believe me).

Some days I just want to scream, run outside and shout and jump and bang and be unpredictable, and loud.

Some days the idea of  a late night party, a last minute road trip or even a midnight cleaning frenzy, beckons me and mocks me, from the distance.

Some days I feel like I’m drowning in a still, emotionless desert of nothingness.

Some days I loathe the compliance.


Emotional Web

Published May 28, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I’m not sure where I’m going with this blog so I’ll apologise in advance for my ramblings.

The girls were like a ‘pack’ when they first came home, they stuck together like glue. They built a wall around themselves and stuck together. They protected themselves. Over time, and I mean a lot of time, they allowed us (mommy and daddy) in, they allowed us to join their pack and sometimes they accepted me as the leader of the pack. Almost 3 years later and I am the leader of our pack, daddy comes in second with big girl very close behind him followed by baby girl and then middle girl. But when we’re out, in a park, at a party, in a crowd, at camhs, they retreat to the safety of there ‘pack’ once again and their impenetrable wall reappears and keeps those around them away with the exception of course to those of us lucky enough to have already gained some of their trust.

But the girls still always share something unique, they’re ‘connected’ and I don’t mean just biologically but something else, they ‘feel’ each others emotions, they ‘become’ each others emotions, their emotions are ‘as one’. It very odd so I’m finding it difficult to explain.

I ‘feel’ the girls emotions. I feel quite ‘in tune’ with them and can easily sense/see when something isn’t right, just like any other mum I guess. But what they share with each other is something else, they don’t even have to be together to ‘sense’ each other. Remember the day they all independently excused themselves from class, well that happens a lot, not removing themselves from class, but doing/being the same, even when they’re not together. There moods always seem to ‘match’, they even wake up in the same moods. When 1 is tired, they all seem to be tired, when 1 is stroppy, they all seem to be stroppy, when 1 is anxious, they all seem to be anxious, they ‘feel’ what their sisters ‘feel’, its always the same.

Its quite bizarre.

Its like they’re sat on the same web of emotions creating a ripple effect over each other.

Anyone else ever experienced anything like this?

The Educational Psychologist – 3rd appointment

Published May 11, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Friday, baby girl and I met with the educational psychologist at school. It was the first time baby girl met her. The purpose of the meeting was to explore baby girls understanding of her feelings with a view to being able to identify when she’s ‘loosing control’.

I was a little cautious about this idea because I’m not sure baby girl is ready to ‘take care of her self’ she’s still showing me she wants me ‘to take care of her’, none the less I was still quite excited at this new idea, well that was until I attempted to explore baby girls knowledge and understanding of feelings in preparation for the appointment. Aside from happy and sad she didn’t seem able to think about any other kinds of feelings, and even happy and sad were a little hazy.

So, we started the session by talking about happy and sad and what things made baby girl feel that way. Other than ‘playing’ for happy and ‘not playing’ for sad, she struggled to come up with any other suggestions, even with some prompting.
Between the Educational Psychologist and myself we managed to devise a list of things that made baby girl happy, and things that made her feel sad.
We then moved on to exploring her understanding of her, sometimes difficult, behaviour, she had no understanding.
We asked her what sorts of things might make her feel worried, panicky, anxious (or ‘un-calm’ as she put it), she didn’t know.
We talked to her about how she feels inside when she’s having a difficult time and feeling un-calm, she didn’t know.
We talked about how mummys cuddles help her to calm down and asked her what other things might help her calm down, she didn’t know.
We some how managed to draw up a 1,2,3 scale of how she looks, from ‘calm to un-calm’, I really don’t think she understood what we were doing and seemed more interested in getting the pen the educational psychologist was using.

The session started with her looking very worried sat on a chair next to me, after lots of wondering about, constantly snatching at the pen, having to be re-focused and reminded to listen she eventually ended up squirming on my lap, baby voice and all with my stroking her back and trying to calm her down.

I took baby girl back to class and returned to the meeting.

The educational psychologist agreed with me that she didn’t feel baby girl was going to be able to recognise her own feelings and would need the grown ups around her to help her with this. I pointed out that I already do this at home and generally I’m able to manage baby girl quite well by preventing her from becoming dysregulated in the first place, but in school there isn’t anyone to recognise her anxiety, what triggers it or even to help her to calm down. She asked that I work with baby girl on the 1,2,3 chart at home and said she felt it was also important that it was implemented in school too. She commented that for baby girls age she would have expected a much better understanding of feelings and would be asking the school to provide her with extra support with this.

She’s going to contact me with a date for our next appointment, she said it could be as far away as September when baby girl enters her new class?!

In the mean time I’ve spoken to our gp and requested a referral to the community paediatrician to investigate my concerns over possible sensory issues she may have. If she does have some sort of sensory processing disorder or sensory issue, it may explain why she can easily become dysregulated, and may also be the reason she needs 12- 13 hours a night sleep!

For now, we must wait for the next appointment…………..

Like vs Dislike, Truth vs Lies, Real vs Fake

Published April 1, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Today I made the girls lunch, they had wraps filled with cheese, tomato and cucumber, their favourite. I added a tiny bread stick type snack to their plates, for them to try.  My baby girl and my middle girl took a big bite and simultaneously said that they liked it, in fact what they actually said is ‘Mmmmm its yummy’.  My big girl, always the least brave when it comes to trying new foods, had tiniest bite, pulled a face and said she didn’t like it. I told her to try to eat it all and then decide if she liked it or not as a teeny amount wasnt really enough for her to be able to decide properly. So she pulled a strop face and ate it. All the time she was eating she was pulling faces and shuddering in disgust. So whilst she was eating her teeny bread stick, I offered my other two girls the bag of sticks and told them to help themselves, they took a nice big handful each. My baby girl commented that her big sister wouldn’t want any as she didn’t like them. I then looked at my big girl who was mid shudder (fake of course) and I asked if she wanted any more. Her face changed from disgust to happy in an instant and she said ‘yes please I like them now’ and with that she took a handful and happily sat and ate them, not a shudder in sight!?

So what was that all about? the faces she pulled and the shuddering were very obviously exaggerated, if not fake. so why? I wonder if she doesn’t know what ‘to like’ or ‘to dislike’ is? She’s shown me that she doesn’t recognise some of her other ‘feelings’ and ’emotions’ so maybe ‘taste is another.

At tea time tonight I served up their meal. They were having breaded turkey scallops , roast potato’s and vegetables. My big girl said to me ‘is this fish mommy?’ I told her it wasnt and that she should try it to find out. She muttered to herself ‘oh it must be chips then’. …………………Hmmm……….yes of course, that big flat piece of breaded turkey looks just like chips doesn’t it?!

This is just two examples of strange ‘reactions/behaviours’ from my big girl, my days are filled with these. I’m left feeling very frustrated, confused and bewildered most days.

Their ‘lies’ come in many forms, meaning I have to scrutinise their fake reactions as well as their misleading words to try and see whats ‘real’.

I miss those days when I could beleive what my eyes saw and trust what my ears heard.

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