All posts tagged emotion

Drowning in nothingness

Published August 15, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Some days I long for a tantrum, some spontaneity, some genuine emotion, some honesty and feeling.

The predictability, stability, routine, and calm that fills our days can sometimes be suffocating, (as well as boring).

I’m watched, scrutinized, analysed and observed.

I’m told the ‘right’ answers,dutifully paid lip service and deprived of the truth, the real, the raw.

I’m constantly aware of my own reactions, movements and emotions.

I’m careful to not startle, alert or shock. ( I often fail with a cough too loud, or when I move too quickly, or drop something)

I’m forced to quash any sign of ‘craziness’.

I’m the mommy that has to spoil too much fun, calm the manic laughter and settle the first signs of over excitement (or face the consequences of over stimulated, over anxious and over tired kids, which isn’t pretty believe me).

Some days I just want to scream, run outside and shout and jump and bang and be unpredictable, and loud.

Some days the idea of  a late night party, a last minute road trip or even a midnight cleaning frenzy, beckons me and mocks me, from the distance.

Some days I feel like I’m drowning in a still, emotionless desert of nothingness.

Some days I loathe the compliance.


Child Protection

Published December 21, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Child protection is something that’s always in the forefront of my thoughts.

My children, like all children need protecting from many things. Neglect, emotional trauma, all of the things that they were not protected from in the beginning.

I worry my children will get hungry.
I worry their friends will fall out with them.
I worry they’ll grow out of their shoes and I won’t notice.
I worry I won’t get a stain out of their clothes.
I worry I won’t get their hair tidy enough for school.
I worry they’ll fail at their school work.
I worry I won’t rub that cut knee enough or kiss away the hurt properly.
I worry I’ll forget some important event like a school play or award.
I worry I’ll overlook or not notice something important to them.
I worry I’ll not ‘hear’ something they’re trying to convey.
I worry that they’ll feel unloved, unliked, alone.

I worry because all of these things and many more can rekindle the scary feelings they became accustomed too. Feelings no child should ever know.

My girls felt rejection tonight, rejection from grandparents that just cant/wont put them first.

I felt failure tonight, I failed to protect them.

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