All posts tagged depression

Here comes the sun…….

Published February 7, 2018 by thefamilyof5

It’s taken me a while to write this, I feel a huge amount of guilt over what I’m about to write, ashamed even, but I can’t deny it.

Since big girl went back to school, I’ve felt happier. So so much happier.

It’s not even that I’m feeling happier because I know she’s at a good school. I’m feeling happier because she isn’t chipping away at my smile from the second she wakes to the moment to goes to bed. It wasn’t until she wasn’t here with me 24/7 that I realised how much her negativity (aimed always at me), was effecting me. I know it isn’t her fault but the change I’ve felt in my own sense of worth and mental health has been huge. I know she’s just a child, a very anxious child at that, but her negativity is so draining. I feel awful. What kind of a mother feels happier away from their child.

“I can’t do that”

“That’s stupid”

“I’m not doing that”

“It’s stupid”

“It’s rubbish”

“I hate it”

“I won’t”

All worded in a way to imply that it was all my fault, that I was stupid, that it was my fault she couldn’t do it, that it was rubbish because of me, that she hated me.

Even when she was being remotely positive, it was still negative.

“It’s nice, but not as nice as the cake I had before”

“It was a funny film, but not as funny as….”

“It’s been a sunny day, but yesterday was sunnier”

“I had a great day, but my best day ever was….”

Can you see? It sounds so petty now I write it down, but the negativity was killing me. 24/7 sucking the life from me. Baby girl and Middle girl felt it too.

I would wake each day with a positive fresh outlook and every day she would gradually chip away at me until I ended my day full of gloom and despair. Big girl has always struggled with her relationship with me, needing me, but pushing me away, wanting to love me, but unable to allow herself. All of her anger and hurt has always been directed at me, her violence too.

My days still begin fresh and positive, and hers still negative. My days are now happier and filled with sunshine and laughter. Home educating baby girl and middle girl has become more fun and easy going. When big girl returns from school, seemingly after a good day, she still brings that bag of negativity with her, she throws it at me sometimes, but now I’m stronger, so I just pocket it and move on. I wonder what she does with the bag all day at school? She must pocket it too, saving it all for me when she gets home.

They say that children from trauma backgrounds often project the feelings they have about themselves, on to those around them, which is incredibly sad.

I’ve tried so hard to build up her confidence, fill her with positive experiences, happy memories and love. But always she’d focus on the negative. Big girl has never been able to talk about, manage, even face her feelings. She would rather die than even think about how she feels inside. Perhaps thats why she projects so much negativity, easier to throw it at someone else than it is to face it.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this post, I don’t have a way of making everything OK for big girl. School, whilst she’s currently managing it, isn’t addressing her needs on a deeper emotional level, in fact, it’s probably just offering her a distraction from them. The medication she was prescribed last year, again just another way to avoid what’s real. The 4+ years of therapy she had was unsuccessful, she wasn’t able to engage. I’ve not been able to get through the wall, or even get her to acknowledge her own wall. She tells me nothing. Ironically, her teacher emailed me only last week and commented on what a lovely relationship big girl has with me and how lovely it is that she is able to talk to me. Goodness knows what she’s told them but realistically it’s just another way for her to avoid reality. Fake is safer. Fake is something she excels in.

For now, things are better. Baby girl and middle girl are enjoying their learning, I’m happier and mentally stronger, Mr FO5 is benefitting from all of the above and big girl is seemingly doing OK and enjoying aspects of school. So for now, I shall pocket my guilt along with big girls bags of negativity. The sunshine is here, and we shall bask in it for as long as we can.


Half Term’s over, Phew!

Published June 9, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Well its been a school holiday like no other. And by that I mean I haven’t enjoyed it. I spend the whole of school term time longing for our fun filled relaxed school holidays. This week I’ve longed for it to be over which makes me feel very sad. If I can’t enjoy being a mummy term time, and I can’t enjoy being a mummy in the holidays, what’s left?
Hubby has had this week off work and I’ve even noticed his enthusiasm flake throughout the week. What’s happening to us?

Its not just this week, this week was the little glimmer of ‘hope’ I’ve been aiming for, for the last few miserable weeks. It turned out to be more of a frazzle than a glimmer though. -_-
I remember in the beginning being happy, enthusiastic, patient, warm and understanding. I enjoyed being a Mummy even though it was really hard work, and I still found time to smile with them. Over time my enthusiasms faded, my patience has vanished and my enjoyment has withered.

These 3 gorgeous little girls with beautiful smiles and infectious giggles have taken everything I had to give. There’s only so many times you can be given a loveless hug, a fake smile, a side wards glance and a dirty look before it starts to pull you down. There’s only so many times your buttons can be pressed before they get stuck in the ‘on’ position. I used to wake excited for the day ahead, now I wake prepared to battle.

So where is the light at the end of our tunnel now?
Is CAMHS the answer for our family here? Or do I need to see my GP for those dreaded pills so I can learn to ‘switch’ off like my mum keeps telling me I need to do, like its that simple? Or is this just my reality now, is the sunshine to remain hidden from us? Am I ever going to be able to enjoy being the Mummy I so longed to be?

The Great Depression

Published April 25, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Apparently, without noticing my life has dipped into the darkness of depression, what a depressing thought.

I saw my gp today about heart burn/acid refux. We got to talking about the cause of it and stress was mentioned. I was asked to complete a short questionnaire. I don’t recall many of the questions but I do remember ticking ‘never’ by the question asking if I ever wished I was dead.

My gp did a quick score up and then told me that my score indicated that I was moderately to severely depressed. I was quite shocked by this news. ‘But I don’t feel sad’ I told her. I knew I was a little stressed out and had half expected a prescription of Gaviscon and advice to drink some calming camomile tea, so to discover I was depressed was quite a depressing revelation indeed!

I was offered a combination of treatments, self help books, counselling and drugs! The D word made me feel quite panicky and against my GP’s advice I declined medication. The counselling and books however seemed quite harmless so I accepted her offer of those just to keep her on side. Although I did wonder how I’m supposed to concentrate long enough to read a book given that I currently have the attention span of a goldfish! but I’ll give it a go to keep her happy, I chose a book called ‘How to stop worrying’.
The counselling offer made me feel a little excited if I’m honest, finally someone I can moan too!! I may become their worst patient, the poor counsellor may need counselling themselves after listening to me off load about my life!

So I left the GP with a script for a book, a referral for counselling and an offer of drugs! Oh and some Gaviscon. It was almost like one of those trips to the supermarket when you buy everything but the bread you went in for, I’d almost forgot that my appointment was because I wanted something for my heartburn!

I left with something else too, something I hadn’t expected at all. I left with lighter shoulders. I felt as if a weight had been lifted, but it was a weight I hadn’t even known was there?!

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