All posts tagged compliance

Drowning in nothingness

Published August 15, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Some days I long for a tantrum, some spontaneity, some genuine emotion, some honesty and feeling.

The predictability, stability, routine, and calm that fills our days can sometimes be suffocating, (as well as boring).

I’m watched, scrutinized, analysed and observed.

I’m told the ‘right’ answers,dutifully paid lip service and deprived of the truth, the real, the raw.

I’m constantly aware of my own reactions, movements and emotions.

I’m careful to not startle, alert or shock. ( I often fail with a cough too loud, or when I move too quickly, or drop something)

I’m forced to quash any sign of ‘craziness’.

I’m the mommy that has to spoil too much fun, calm the manic laughter and settle the first signs of over excitement (or face the consequences of over stimulated, over anxious and over tired kids, which isn’t pretty believe me).

Some days I just want to scream, run outside and shout and jump and bang and be unpredictable, and loud.

Some days the idea of  a late night party, a last minute road trip or even a midnight cleaning frenzy, beckons me and mocks me, from the distance.

Some days I feel like I’m drowning in a still, emotionless desert of nothingness.

Some days I loathe the compliance.


The Apple.

Published August 8, 2013 by thefamilyof5



Something amazing happened today…………………………………………..




Middle girl asked for an apple.

Yes it really is that simple.

Life as an adoptive parent is often about appreciating the simpler things in life.

Random wonderings about illness.

Published July 23, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I often randomly wonder things, I usually save these breif ‘moments’ for my facebook status, but, well, I guess i’ve shared so much with you guys over the years that it’s only fair that I share my random wonderings  too. So, tonight I’m sharing my first random wondering moment, I expect there will be many more of these breif ‘moments’ or shall we say ‘glimpses’ of the inside of my head.

I’m wondering tonight if I’m blessed to have really healthy kids, or if my kids are still hiding their ‘needs’  from us, is this just another ‘symptom’ of their compliance. In 3 years we’ve had nothing more than a few snotty noses and the odd cough. Are they really just THAT healthy?!

Anyway, i’ll leave you with that random thought from my brain, until the next time!

Acts of Defiance

Published May 17, 2013 by thefamilyof5

There aren’t many mum’s that embrace there child’s acts of defiance, but I do.

When big girl screamed at me whilst stamping her feet in anger today, I smiled inside.

She showed me a little bit of ‘real’ today, for that moment she trusted me, and it was only a moment sadly, but it felt wonderful 🙂

Baby Steps

Published April 28, 2013 by thefamilyof5

It was almost 3 years ago that we travelled across the country to meet the girls, amongst many other memories I distinctly remember how baby girl clung to me like a baby monkey on that first day and whimpered in to my ear ‘when can I come to your house?’ ‘When am I going with you?’.

Over the next year or so she impressed everyone with her independence, her ability to dress herself, fold her clothes even tidy away her toys, there were no supermarket tantrums, no nagging for things endlessly, no whinging and whining. Her first day of nursery went without a tear or tantrum, unlike the other children she didn’t cling to her mummy and beg her not to leave. Instead she confidently walked past her crying class mates and went off to play. ‘She’s so well behaved’ people would say. ‘Too well behaved’ I would think.

It didn’t take me long to realise my girls were not ‘well behaved’ they were ‘compliant’, too scared to show themselves to us and the world around them.

(Extract taken from Adoption Voices Magazine)
‘For the compliant child the situation can actually be devastating. As a compliant child who is either not causing problems or actually well engaged and visibly successful, she is not seen as having any problems at all. Parents see this child as well adjusted to life, including being adopted, and with no outwardly troubling signs of concern, this child is often overlooked and not given any form of counselling or assistance in dealing with life or emotional wounds. It is difficult for anyone to see that the child who is often referred to as, “mature for her age” or “pleasant and articulate,” is actually in equal distress to the child who is acting out. Both are hurting, both are devastated by the trauma and both have no way to articulate, understand, contextualize or grieve the loss they have endured’

More recently baby girl has been testing some of the boundaries, she’s argued her point, sulked and even stamped her feet. She’s expressed her needs of hunger and tiredness, she’s told me of the foods she doesn’t like and asked for the foods she does. She’s asked for things in a shop, almost nagged for them in fact. She’s expressed her ‘need’ for the latest toy craze that her friends at school have and she must have now! She’s left her toys out and moaned at having to tidy them away, she’s chucked her clothes on the floor and forgotten how to dress herself. She’s left the bathroom without washing her hands and she’s even sometimes come out of school having forgotten something. She’s protested at having to brush her hair and sprayed my perfume all over the floor. You may be reading all of this and thinking ‘well she’s 6, this is what 6yr olds do’ and I’d totally agree with you, however for the last almost 3 years, she hasn’t done any of these things. There is still an element of compliance, its a work in progress for whilst she may protest at doing things, she generally protests whilst doing the very thing she’s ‘refusing’ to do. Baby steps!

So is this regression? Is she going back to being the stroppy lazy 3yr old that she should have been when we first met? Or is this just her feeling safe enough to relax now?

Either way I love it, I’m embracing the fact that she is starting to show me some of her true personality rather than the fake robotic compliance she’s given me before.

However I must try to remember how wonderfully normal this expression of defiance really is, when she next stamps her feet and rolls her eyes at me 🙂

My blog can also be found alongside some amazing blogs at The Weekly Adoption Shout out #WASO this weeks theme is ‘regression’.

Compliant Sick Kids!

Published August 18, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Any Parent will tell you that their sick (secure, well-adjusted) kids are hard work, they whinge, they whine, they want a drink, they don’t want a drink, their head hurts, their tummy hurts, they’re hot, they’re cold, they want a cuddle, they don’t want a cuddle, they need their teddy, but not the one you offer them, they want a blanket but it makes them too hot, they want you to stay with them but they want you to fetch them things to meet their needs as well. They drive you mad with demands, wants, needs and expectations and of course a little bit of milking it for all they can along the way!

Sick compliant insecure traumatized kids are all of those but you wouldn’t know! Dont be fooled in to thinking this is a good thing!

In fact the only way you can tell they’re sick is because they look off colour, or they’ve just vomited all over you, or you can see they’re burning up, or there’s blood gushing from somewhere or bits hanging off. They wont tell you, they wont ask for anything, they’ll deny their illness to the death and drive you insane with the frustration of not knowing the need your expected to meet, or the hurt you need to treat (unless it’s obvious by the gushing blood or detached limb of some description that is!) or the bug you need to starve or the cold you need to feed.

They will not show you their weakness yet they expect you to be the good mummy you promised you were and see through their walls of steel and meet their every need, blindfolded!
I have 3 “fine” children today, 2 of which, are anything but ‘fine’!

The Search for Support Continues

Published August 14, 2012 by thefamilyof5

I received a call last week from the placing authorities post adoption worker. She was calling to tell me some exciting news, apparently they’d finally been able to source medical records for big girl (see prev post) and was sending them in the post, I was so excited and relieved to hear this, little did I know at the time that what she was sending me was not actually the written notes, just the limited computer printout.

During our call she also discussed support. Basically she said

‘We’re too far away to support you, your local authority don’t want to support you so we’re putting the responsibility with the voluntary agency you used’

She’d called the Voluntary Agency (VA) that we’d used when we adopted, Action For Children. Apparently they were able to offer us support and she also mentioned something about funding for it being part of the agreement between the 2 agency’s when we adopted?!(Who cares!) She suggested I ring them to discuss further.

I rang them yesterday. The social worker I spoke to was a lady we’d met during our training/approval. I hadn’t really taken to her much in the past if I’m honest, she was loud and ‘in ya face’ and always seemed to have her huge boobs hanging out all over the place, but I didn’t let that stop me explaining our situation to her this time.
I chatted to her at length, I told her how I felt we needed support but as I wasn’t sure what kinds of support were available, I didn’t really know what we needed. I explained that I don’t feel we’re functioning properly as a family and that 2years in I still don’t feel I know any more about my girls than I did the day I met them. We talked about compliance and the difficulties it presents adoptive parents with, she was very ‘clued’ up on compliance and this pleased me, she said all the right things, gave me examples of scenarios and empathised on how it all must make me feel. She also touched on how compliant children generally appear happy and content to the outside world, with only mum really knowing that things were not as they should be. Soooo true!

I had called our VA previously, last year I think. I’d spoke to our original social worker. She is a lovely woman, we’d always got along with her. She was great during the approval/matching process, she guided us, helped us and pushed us along nicely. When I’d called her for support though, I hadn’t found her very supportive. She’d offered empathy when what I needed was guidance and advice.

So back to the current phone call, we chatted about CAMHS and how that’s been working, or not working for us. She discussed training opportunities and possibly putting me back in touch with our original social worker or perhaps a new one. She also chatted about a family in a similar situation that we might like to get in touch with. All in all she felt that it was best to wait until I’ve met with the new CAMHS therapist (this afternoon) to see what their plan was and take it from there.

I’m going to meet with CAMHS later today, I’m really hoping they’re the solution we need, I’m really hoping they can help us to be a functioning family and stop me from feeling like a long term ‘babysitter’ but realistically I know therapy is a slow process and I’m not sure how long we, I, can hold it together before serious and permanent cracks start to show.

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