All posts tagged birth

Happy Tears

Published February 4, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Happy tears are something big girl struggles to understand, why would you cry if your happy afterall.

She had a very bad nights sleep last night, in fact, I’m not sure she slept at all. So this morning whilst we were getting ready for school I took the opportunity to ask her if there was something the matter (I’d also asked her this in the night when I’d seen her struggling to sleep). She said the usual ‘nothing’. So I asked what she thought she might have been thinking about that was keeping her awake, she um’d and ah’d and um’d and ah’d some more, she very clearly wanted to say something but just wasn’t quite sure.

*I felt anxious and worried that I’d missed something and she’s been struggling alone with some huge worry.

Then she said

‘You know how we was born from (insert birth mum’s name) tummy, but she couldn’t do the mummy job very well’

*I felt panic, I was sure she was going to tell me she missed her, or wished she’d done a better job so she’d never had to leave, or that she now wanted to go and live with her.

Then she said

‘I wished we’d been born from your tummy’

*I burst in to tears

She looked horrified momentarily until I reassured her they were happy tears. We cuddled and I told her that also wished that they’d all been born out of my tummy and that even though I was crying, they were happy tears because what she’d said made me feel very happy inside.

Of all my girls she is the one I least expected to hear that from, in fact I’ve been subtly preparing myself for the time when she tell’s me she doesn’t want to live with us any more and wants to live with her birth mummy, because that’s what I’ve always felt she ‘felt’. I’ve never ever felt that she ‘wanted’ me to be her mummy.
Seems I got her all wrong. It also shows how very little my girls ‘give’ me and how much of what I think I know, I’ve had to ‘guess’.

She beamed her way in to school today!

And I beamed with her!


Life Story

Published December 31, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Life story work is so important for my girls, they NEED to know where they came from and how they got to where they are now in order process their trauma and heal, we did a lot of life story work in that first year or so.

Today, whilst driving to my parents for dinner to celebrate new year, baby girl asks from the back of the car ‘when will you have a baby mommy?’ After explaining to her that her and her sisters were, and always would be, my babies and our family was complete she replied ‘no, you need to have a baby after you get married’.

She was very adamant and stressed.
So I told her the story, the story of how a long long time ago Mommy and Daddy got married and we decided that we wanted a family. At the same time lots of important people had decided that their birth mum wasnt doing the mommy job properly and they’d need to find a new family for baby girl and her sisters. And so all the important people got together with mommy and daddy and it was decided that baby girl and her sisters would come and live with us and we would become a family forever.

And I followed this up by saying ‘so see, your all my babies, my baby girls, I don’t need to have a baby, our family is complete’

Baby girl looked confused and said ‘so how did we all fit in your tummy at the same time?’

Needless to say I had to go right back to the beginning and explain that she hadn’t been born out of my tummy, but that she was born from the tummy of her birth mum and she lived with her for a little while etc etc etc

We talk about being adopted a lot, they know they have a birth mum, and that she writes to us and we write back. They know they lived in foster care and then they met us and came to live with us forever.
As baby girl has grown her memories have become a blur and her understanding of who she is and where she came from has got lost, she knows the words we use, but she doesn’t understand what they mean it seems.

We’re going to have to pick up the pace and go back to basics when it comes to ‘Life Story’ work with our baby girl, I’d taken for granted that she remembered, that she understood, that she knew who she was, but she didn’t.

Now she’s ready to ‘understand’, she wants to ‘understand’, she NEEDS to ‘understand’, and we will help her.

Nothing is ever as it seems

Published April 24, 2012 by thefamilyof5

This morning was no different to any other, I was greeted by the extra’s from the ‘Truman Show‘, you know the ones that walk about doing the same things day in day out, blending in to the background by being totally fake. Telling you only what you want to hear so as not to alarm you. You know the ones? Well that’s my daughters.

Nothing is ever quite as it seems with my girls. I’m hoping someone will invent some sort of xray vision glasses that can see through a facade to what’s really underneath because trying to work out the truth behind every fake is oh so exhausting.

This morning went something like this:

My baby girl was abruptly woken from her sleep once again by my middle girl. End result one tired baby girl that forgot how to dress herself, looks a bit pale and flushed but can only tell me ‘there’s nothing wrong mommy’. Her food controlling behaviours have started to rear their ugly head again this last 2 weeks. We’re working our way back to daily occurrences again so I know there is something wrong, but what?!

My big girl woke after her 2rd night of restless sleep, I have no clue why, what’s on her mind, what’s keeping her awake at night, is she worried about something? Is she frightened? I just don’t know because she won’t tell me ‘there’s nothing wrong mummy’ is all I ever get. Maybe she doesn’t know, maybe she’s too scared to tell me, but I know there’s something.
In the car on the way to school she heard a story on the radio about a mum going to hospital so her baby could ‘be delivered’. She popped up in her seat eager to share her knowledge on this with her sisters. ‘Being delivered is when they get the baby, wrap it in a blanket and give it to someone else because they don’t want it’ she said. I quickly informed her and her sisters that the phrase ‘being delivered’ was just a way of describing that the baby had been born from the mummy’s tummy, and yes they did wrap the baby in a blanket but then they gave the baby to the mummy for cuddles. I asked her why she thought ‘being delivered’ meant that the baby was unwanted. Tears is all I got. I have no idea where that came from, to my knowledge she’s not known of any baby that had been given up at birth, and she knows that her and her sisters were not so I’m not sure why that was her understanding of the phrase. Did she hear something somewhere? Was there something on tv? Something at school? ‘I don’t know’ is all I got from her this morning but that’s all I ever get from her when I ask her about things, So how can I help her?!

My middle girl was clearly delighted with her efforts to disrupt her little sisters sleep this morning, she sang, skipped and hopped her way into school this morning blowing her little kisses to me all the way. She was way too happy for me to not notice. What is it that she needs? Why does she only get this happy when her little sister is miserable?

My 3 little unattached girls are the ones that are never hungry, never full, never hot, never cold, never ill, never sad, never scared, never worried. They’re the ones that just smile and spend their lives trying to convince the world that there’s nothing wrong and that they’re perfectly ‘normal’ and they don’t NEED you………………or me!

When really, that’s exactly what they need, they’re just too scared to admit it.

Happy Valentines Day Mummy!

Published March 18, 2012 by thefamilyof5

‘Happy Valentines day Mummy’ was my greeting this morning as 2 of my girls came rushing in to show me the cards they had made me, ‘Happy Mothers day’ my middle girl said with a chuckle.

I did smile.

The theme in the play room today has been child-birth, my big girl instigated the game and today we have had tummy scans with special ‘jam’, sewing up of tummy’s, cheers of congratulations and praise for bravery, we’ve taken delivery of 2 fit and healthy baby Annabel’s.  Just a game  or something more significant given that today is Mother Day!?

Either way, I did smile.

Its been a strange old day!

But its been a day that I’ve smiled.






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