All posts tagged antidepressants

Here comes the sun…….

Published February 7, 2018 by thefamilyof5

It’s taken me a while to write this, I feel a huge amount of guilt over what I’m about to write, ashamed even, but I can’t deny it.

Since big girl went back to school, I’ve felt happier. So so much happier.

It’s not even that I’m feeling happier because I know she’s at a good school. I’m feeling happier because she isn’t chipping away at my smile from the second she wakes to the moment to goes to bed. It wasn’t until she wasn’t here with me 24/7 that I realised how much her negativity (aimed always at me), was effecting me. I know it isn’t her fault but the change I’ve felt in my own sense of worth and mental health has been huge. I know she’s just a child, a very anxious child at that, but her negativity is so draining. I feel awful. What kind of a mother feels happier away from their child.

“I can’t do that”

“That’s stupid”

“I’m not doing that”

“It’s stupid”

“It’s rubbish”

“I hate it”

“I won’t”

All worded in a way to imply that it was all my fault, that I was stupid, that it was my fault she couldn’t do it, that it was rubbish because of me, that she hated me.

Even when she was being remotely positive, it was still negative.

“It’s nice, but not as nice as the cake I had before”

“It was a funny film, but not as funny as….”

“It’s been a sunny day, but yesterday was sunnier”

“I had a great day, but my best day ever was….”

Can you see? It sounds so petty now I write it down, but the negativity was killing me. 24/7 sucking the life from me. Baby girl and Middle girl felt it too.

I would wake each day with a positive fresh outlook and every day she would gradually chip away at me until I ended my day full of gloom and despair. Big girl has always struggled with her relationship with me, needing me, but pushing me away, wanting to love me, but unable to allow herself. All of her anger and hurt has always been directed at me, her violence too.

My days still begin fresh and positive, and hers still negative. My days are now happier and filled with sunshine and laughter. Home educating baby girl and middle girl has become more fun and easy going. When big girl returns from school, seemingly after a good day, she still brings that bag of negativity with her, she throws it at me sometimes, but now I’m stronger, so I just pocket it and move on. I wonder what she does with the bag all day at school? She must pocket it too, saving it all for me when she gets home.

They say that children from trauma backgrounds often project the feelings they have about themselves, on to those around them, which is incredibly sad.

I’ve tried so hard to build up her confidence, fill her with positive experiences, happy memories and love. But always she’d focus on the negative. Big girl has never been able to talk about, manage, even face her feelings. She would rather die than even think about how she feels inside. Perhaps thats why she projects so much negativity, easier to throw it at someone else than it is to face it.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this post, I don’t have a way of making everything OK for big girl. School, whilst she’s currently managing it, isn’t addressing her needs on a deeper emotional level, in fact, it’s probably just offering her a distraction from them. The medication she was prescribed last year, again just another way to avoid what’s real. The 4+ years of therapy she had was unsuccessful, she wasn’t able to engage. I’ve not been able to get through the wall, or even get her to acknowledge her own wall. She tells me nothing. Ironically, her teacher emailed me only last week and commented on what a lovely relationship big girl has with me and how lovely it is that she is able to talk to me. Goodness knows what she’s told them but realistically it’s just another way for her to avoid reality. Fake is safer. Fake is something she excels in.

For now, things are better. Baby girl and middle girl are enjoying their learning, I’m happier and mentally stronger, Mr FO5 is benefitting from all of the above and big girl is seemingly doing OK and enjoying aspects of school. So for now, I shall pocket my guilt along with big girls bags of negativity. The sunshine is here, and we shall bask in it for as long as we can.


The D Word

Published August 7, 2012 by thefamilyof5

The D word. It could relate to many things, disability, dysfunction, depression even ducks! 😉

But for the purposes of this post, the D word relates to drugs! Not the illegal kind before you panic, the prescribed kind, Antidepressants!

So those of you who follow will know a few months ago I saw my gp about Acid reflux expecting a prescription for Gaviscon, instead, to my surprise I left with a diagnosis of moderate to severe depression! So any way, my GP had offered me a range of treatments, self help books, counselling and ‘the D word’. I have an appointment for my first counselling session tomorrow, yes, it took that long, maybe if I’d ticked a few of the ‘other boxes’ they’d have called me in sooner, mental note for next time, tick more boxes 😉 I had refused a prescription for antidepressants, explaining that I didn’t feel depressed, just stressed.

So a couple of weeks ago I return to see my GP with a chest infection, I had to complete another of her ‘mental health’ questionnaires which came back with the same score as the first one I’d done. She talked more about offering me a prescription, and knowing I was still struggling and barely managing a smile most days I relented, and accepted.

I collected my prescription later that morning and took my first dose at 12pm that afternoon and waited for my smile to return.

I didn’t realise at first they were side effects, I hadn’t thought it possible from only one tablet. I couldn’t control my eyes, they were sleepy and jittery, I felt nausea like never before and dizzy. I was disorientated and confused. I slept in the day for the first time in years.

I decided I was going to take the following days tablet at bedtime in the hope I’d sleep through most of the symptoms.

The following day I woke still feeling sick and dizzy but no where near as much as I had the previous day. I mentally reminded myself to take the 2nd dose at bedtime.

By 12.30 that afternoon I was having cold sweats and the shakes, was this withdrawal?! After only one dose was it even possible?!
I decided not to take any more tablets. I need to be able to function, I have 3 little people relying on me to feed them and keep them safe, I can’t spend my time sleeping and jittering, even if its only for a few days.

So now I have to make an appointment with my GP and confess that I only took one dose. She’s not going to be happy.
I still feel like I’m struggling, I’ve forgotten how to enjoy life, enjoy my girls, how to smile. The slightest stress feels overwhelming and I feel un-equipped to cope. I know I’m stressed, everyone keeps pointing it out, which actually stresses me out even more.

So now I just need to find a way of alleviating my stress and knocking down the wall I’ve built to protect myself from the world. Any one got a secret cure? Because I’ve discovered that the advice from friends and family to ‘stop stressing’ and ‘just relax’ is easier to say than it is to do.

Writers Block!

Published July 30, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Please forgive me!
Its been almost 3 weeks since my last blog!

I haven’t forgot all of you, my loyal fans (*said with tongue firmly placed in cheek).
There has been a lot going on here lately, end of school, our holiday and then there’s the general adoption and non adoption family life stuff too.

So my head is currently a mess of words, thoughts and ponderings. I’ve been trying to un-scramble them, to get them in some kind of order for you to read, and make sense of. So far I’ve not managed it, obviously, other wise I’d be telling you all about it now wouldn’t I 😉

I have so much to tell you all, there’s the very interesting observations I made about all 3 girls whilst we were on holiday, there’s an update on the autism assessment that big girls having, there’s the joys that the school holidays bring us (seriously, so much easier in holidays) and there’s also a big old rant about middle girls sleeping, or not sleeping, still, there’s more for me to say on the big ‘D’ word and I have more to moan about on our local authorities lack of adoption support, Oh and finally I’ve broken my tooth (yesterday), it wouldn’t be half as much of a big deal if I didn’t have a major phobia of injections :/

So please don’t think I’ve given up blogging, I’m just, well, having a spot of writers block I guess!

The Great Depression

Published April 25, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Apparently, without noticing my life has dipped into the darkness of depression, what a depressing thought.

I saw my gp today about heart burn/acid refux. We got to talking about the cause of it and stress was mentioned. I was asked to complete a short questionnaire. I don’t recall many of the questions but I do remember ticking ‘never’ by the question asking if I ever wished I was dead.

My gp did a quick score up and then told me that my score indicated that I was moderately to severely depressed. I was quite shocked by this news. ‘But I don’t feel sad’ I told her. I knew I was a little stressed out and had half expected a prescription of Gaviscon and advice to drink some calming camomile tea, so to discover I was depressed was quite a depressing revelation indeed!

I was offered a combination of treatments, self help books, counselling and drugs! The D word made me feel quite panicky and against my GP’s advice I declined medication. The counselling and books however seemed quite harmless so I accepted her offer of those just to keep her on side. Although I did wonder how I’m supposed to concentrate long enough to read a book given that I currently have the attention span of a goldfish! but I’ll give it a go to keep her happy, I chose a book called ‘How to stop worrying’.
The counselling offer made me feel a little excited if I’m honest, finally someone I can moan too!! I may become their worst patient, the poor counsellor may need counselling themselves after listening to me off load about my life!

So I left the GP with a script for a book, a referral for counselling and an offer of drugs! Oh and some Gaviscon. It was almost like one of those trips to the supermarket when you buy everything but the bread you went in for, I’d almost forgot that my appointment was because I wanted something for my heartburn!

I left with something else too, something I hadn’t expected at all. I left with lighter shoulders. I felt as if a weight had been lifted, but it was a weight I hadn’t even known was there?!

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