anger

All posts tagged anger

Its fair…….

Published August 29, 2014 by thefamilyof5

A few weeks ago I had a very quick chat with middle girl about consequences for poor behavior, being fair. Now I know a lot of adopted children struggle with ’cause and effect’ thinking but I thought I’d give it a go any way.

Let me give you a little background first. Middle girl is angry, she hides it mostly behind her smile but at home, the minute she doesn’t get her own way she ‘strops’ and by that I mean she chucks herself on the floor and gets even more angry. This has meant that whenever I’ve had to talk to her about a poor choice or an unacceptable behavior or even simply a gentle word about speaking nicely or sharing etc I’ve been met with looks of utter hatred and anger which have meant that the poor behavior turns in to a vicious circle of anger feeding yet more negative behavior.

So a few weeks ago, after yet another episode of night time and early morning antics I sat middle girl down and tried to explain to her that if she misbehaved there would be a consequence. We talked about how it was ‘fair’ and that It didn’t mean that she was a bad person or that I was a terrible mummy, it was simply fair. All children make bad choices sometimes, I explained to her, its how you learn and grow up to be an adult who makes great choices, I said. I used a few examples to back up my ‘fairness’ theory such as when grown ups make bad choices they might get in to trouble with the police, and when children at school misbehave they might have to miss play time or some other privilege. Initially she responded to me with anger and tears but then it was like a light bulb moment for her and she started to listen and even contributed a few other examples of her own.

We then moved on to talk about her own responses to the consequences and how in the past she’s felt angry which I understood, but it hasn’t helped her to make good choices and improve her behavior afterwards, so we talked about how she might look at her consequences in a more positive light and instead of thinking ‘I’m rubbish, I hate mommy’ she might like to start thinking ‘oh dear, I messed up but never mind I can do better next time’. This really seemed to sink in. Now I wont say its improved her behavior as such,  and it doesn’t appear to have ignited any ’cause & effect’ thinking,  but I will say its improved her anger.

When I have to speak to middle girl these days about a poor choice or behavior, she no longer looks at me with all that hatred, these days its more of a ‘bummer,I’m in trouble, but its fair’  kinda look!

 

I’ve linked this post up over at ‘The Adoption Social’ for this week’s ‘Weekly Adoption Shoutout’ #WASO

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Stress, how do you do your’s?

Published June 11, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Stress, we all do it, but how do you do it?

Stress is a person’s response to a stressor such as an environmental condition or a stimulus. Stress is a body’s way to react to a challenge. According to the stressful event, the body’s way to respond to stress is by sympathetic nervous system activation which results in the fight-or-flight response. Stress typically describes a negative condition or a positive condition that can have an impact on a person’s mental and physical well-being.

My girls all respond to stress in different ways and likewise, so do I.

Big girl gets very teary when she’s stressed. She becomes very bossy and dependant on how stressed she is, she sometimes self harms. She struggles more with her sleep when she is stressed. I’d describe Big girl as being very ‘stressy’.

Middle girl bottles all her emotions inside, so well in fact, that its actually very difficult to know how she is feeling at any time, she hides everything behind a huge smile. I think its safe to say that amongst other feelings she has, she feels frustration and anger, I see it behind her eyes sometimes. I’m not sure what her response to stress is though because I can never tell if she’s stressed.

Baby girl is a very sensitive little girl, but she doesn’t really understand emotions at all right now, so when she gets stressed she gets very confused about why she feels the way she feels, this can lead to her feeling chaotic and mixed up. This often looks like ‘crazy and silly’ type behaviour, but as her mom, I know this is stress.

When Daddy gets stressed, which isn’t very often, he gets quiet, he doesn’t sleep well and becomes irritable.

When I get stressed my face feels really hot whilst my body shivers, the smallest of tasks can feel colossal, I become irritable and find myself with an insatiable need for sleep.

5 very different responses to stress.

So how do you do your’s?

Acts of Defiance

Published May 17, 2013 by thefamilyof5

There aren’t many mum’s that embrace there child’s acts of defiance, but I do.

When big girl screamed at me whilst stamping her feet in anger today, I smiled inside.

She showed me a little bit of ‘real’ today, for that moment she trusted me, and it was only a moment sadly, but it felt wonderful 🙂

No Surprise

Published June 24, 2012 by thefamilyof5

Its hardly surprising that middle girl feels resentment towards baby girl.

For most of her memorable childhood she was in foster care with her big sister. Her big sister looked after her and allowed her to take the spot light as she was favoured by their foster carer. She was the baby of the foster family and allowances were made and extra treats given. She controlled and manipulated the adults around her, her weapon was ‘silence’.

Then along came her baby sister who’d been in a separate foster care placement. Suddenly she was no longer the baby of the family and big girl had found a new ‘baby’ in the house that she could follow around. Big girl stepped forward and middle girl stepped back.

After only a few weeks of living together all 3 girls were placed with us. Baby girl felt all confused and out of sorts and used ‘food’ to control the adults around her. Middle girl attempted to control the adults around her with ‘silence’ but unlike her days in foster care her attempts were futile. Big girl tried to take care of everyone and instructed her sisters to ‘call me mummy’ and paid all her attention to baby girl, perhaps cause she was the youngest, or perhaps because she was the easiest to manipulate.

As time went by they all struggled to find their places, baby girl desperately wanted to feel part of the group and pushed for attention from both of her sisters, big girl was only too willing to give it, with middle girl gradually stepping further back and allowing her needy sisters to take the ‘attention seeking’ stage.

I sit here today listening to baby girl and big girl doing some drawing together whilst middle girl loudly stomps up and down the playroom shouting and singing and playing loud music and doing anything she can to irritate her sisters and take some of their attention for herself.

She’s understandably tired of being left out, she’s angry at her baby sister for taking her big sisters attention away from her, she’s fed up of sitting in the background and she’s going to do everything she can to put things ‘right’. It seems targeting baby girl in a bid to get her into trouble and then misbehaving herself to bring down the spot light on to the smile that she hides behind are her battle tactics!

She’s declaring war on her sisters, things are gonna get ugly!

Bubble, Bubble Toil and Trouble

Published June 22, 2012 by thefamilyof5

The defiance, disgust and anger is no longer simmering, its bubbling away at a rapid pace, I’m not sure how long she can keep it under control…………

I’m talking of course about my middle girl. Over the last 2 years she’s suppressed her feelings and emotions and stayed hidden behind her huge fake smile. On occasion she’s allowed me to see the odd glimpse of what I can only describe as ‘disgust’. Lately I’m seeing more and more of this, there’s also the defiance as she stares me dead in the eye whilst telling me yet another ludicrous lie and the anger and look of pure rage as she’s dealt the consequences of her actions.

She’s like a volcano that’s been rumbling and is now bubbling, there’s anger and rage seeping through her pores, and I don’t know how much longer she’ll be able to hold it all in, I think an eruption is imminent!

Time to run, hide and take cover?
I wish!

Poor Kitty!

Published January 23, 2012 by thefamilyof5

I ‘think’ my eldest daughter intentionally hurt the cat this morning. I say ‘think’ because I can’t be sure.  I’ve had 3 different versions of events so far from her.  The first was ‘accidentally tripping over the cat’. Then she retracted this and said she ‘kicked the cat’. Then finally saying it was all lies and ‘she never touched the cat at all and doesn’t know why she yelped’. My closest witness, my baby girl, said she ‘absolutely definitely actually saw her kick the cat’?! (her words ha ha ha) so what to believe!? What I do know, is that my usually very sociable cat, is very upset and very nervous of her and took a lot of coaxing to get out of hiding this morning and again tonight when she returned from school.

To my horror she mimic’d the yelping noise the cat made, for fun, whilst waiting to go to school this morning. She then spent the car journey to school with her eyes boring a hole in the back of my head and smiling like something from a horror movie! My daughters shown no remorse, only regret that she got in to trouble for lying. (I cant punish her for anything else as I don’t actually know what she has or hasn’t done.)

It could have been a simple accident, but the fact that Im suspecting otherwise shows me that I don’t trust her and I don’t know what she’s capable of.

Of my 3 girls, she’s the one I understand/trust the least.

 

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