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All posts for the month August, 2019

Masking

Published August 30, 2019 by thefamilyof5

Big girl masks everything, she very rarely expresses a need or hurt. She keeps everything tightly locked inside.

It’s an absolute tragedy that masking isn’t more understood. If it was, then when the professionals saw her outward behaviours this last 3 weeks, especially at the start when she only allowed a small piece of her inner self to be seen, they’d have realised that what she was feeling was 100x’s more than what they were seeing. She needed their help.

Today Big girl seems to have turned a corner. Yesterday there was a promise of a new prescription in the post today with new medication. When I told her there was an instant wave of relief wash over her. She stopped screaming at me and telling me she would fight me for the door keys. She stopped glaring directly in to my eyes and making threats. She stopped trying to intimidate her sisters. There was a slight smile and a few questions. It seems that was enough for her to be able to see an end to her pain and relax enough for her adrenalin and cortisol levels to subside. She knew help was coming. An end was in sight.

She woke today like a completely different child. Like nothing had happened. Her new medication starts Monday.

Today MrFO5, Middle girl, Baby girl and myself can all start to process our trauma and begin to heal our broken hearts.

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Crisis

Published August 29, 2019 by thefamilyof5

We’ve been in a crisis situation here since Thursday 15th August. We didn’t know it was a crisis situation until a few days later though.

Something happened that day, I don’t know what and I’ve wracked my brains to try and figure out what. But something happened and the downward spiral for big girl began.

We increased her medication on the Saturday as we could see whatever was worrying her was getting too big for her to handle, but it was too late, by the Sunday she was trying to escape and climbed on to our conservatory (flat) roof and stayed up there, in all weather’s, for 3.5hrs. She was volatile and aggressive. This behaviour continued to escalate.

Her personality completely changes, she goes from being the calm, gentle person she usually is to someone violent, hateful, angry. Everything changes, her mannerisms, her voice tone, she makes eye contact (intimidating), becomes threatening, volatile etc you get the picture. My big girl is completely taken over by rage.

Tuesday 2 post adoption social workers arrived whilst she was trying to fight me for keys. I’d forgotten about the appointment in the midst of the chaos, they were due to complete the assessment of needs I’d requested back in June. They witnessed her behaviour, stayed a short while and then left. MrFO5 had to come home from work.

Then, by Wednesday (so almost a week since the initial trigger) she was wild, desperately trying to get out of the house and using violence to try and obtain the keys. She assulted me, her Nan and her dad (who had to come home again). The police were called at 11am. I asked my mom to take baby girl and middle girl to her house as they were utterly traumatised by the whole ordeal.

The police decided to call the paramedics for assistance after a while, and then both teams worked hard to try and find a resolution. CAMHS had been informed and were trying to also figure out how to keep everyone safe. Big girl masked her emotions for the entire 7.5hrs they were here, controlling the attention around her by showing them her colouring skills, shells and special stone, she even performed a makaton song for them. By 5.30pm the police and paramedics were forced to leave. Big girl instantly escalated her behaviour, the ambulance was still in sight that’s how quick she escalated.

At 7.30pm an AMP (I think that’s what it’s called) team arrived with paperwork to section big girl. Once again she masked her behaviour, told them all the things they needed to hear so they decided not to section her but would instead prescribe medication to calm her the following day at an appointment.

I asked my mom to take the younger 2 again for the day, the appointment Thursday went as expected, big girl masked, presented as calm and no medication was provided. I cried a lot.

Big girl continued to escalate. We worked hard over the bank holiday weekend to not make any demands of her.

Tuesday of this week she escalated to dangerous levels again, at the first opportunity she got, she ran out of the front door at 1.15pm. She was found almost 4hrs later, running in and out of traffic at a busy motorway junction 7.5miles away from home. It took 2 police officers to stop the traffic and then catch her and detain her kicking and screaming in to their vehicle. This is a girl that won’t walk to the shop alone, insists dad stays in the building when she attends her dance class, openly says she doesn’t feel safe outside of the house.

I requested that she be taken to a place of safety because I felt I couldn’t keep everyone safe whilst she was so angry. She was returned to home and the police stayed for a while. Id spent the day being passed from pillar to post on the phone from one crisis service to another, as well as completing missing persons reports and telling officers that my 15yr old daughter didn’t have dentures or any tattoos! It doesn’t bare to think about why they needed that information. The absolute highlight of my day was when the local crisis service told me ‘we’re not a blue light service ring 111’. No one would help us. The police left at 7pm. Big girl was still very unregulated and in desperate need of help. The 111 GP called at 11pm and told us they couldn’t do anything other than ring an ambulance or calls CAMHS.

Yesterday CAMHS visited first thing. Big girl was still angry and tried to escape while they were here, despite the huge blisters on her feet and swollen ankles from running 7.5miles in flip flops. I had to removed baby girl and middle girl from the house and my mum collected them again. A safeguarding referral was made. Big girl ranted she was being starved, despite her continued refusal of breakfast, she told CAMHS she’d already planned her next route. I questioned why big girl hadn’t been given the calming medication as planned last week, it could have prevented her running away. I was told the consultant who was part of the AMP team denied saying he would prescribe anything. I will be making a formal complaint about this. His words were witnessed by the rest of the AMP team. CAMHS managed to calm her, told her they’ll be doing some work with her around emotions and feelings and asked her to remain in her room until the safeguarding team arrived, they then left with a promise to follow up regarding the calming medication and instructions to call 999 if things escalated.

At 3.30pm 2 ladies from safe guarding arrived. One of the first things they said was ‘we’ve been told you don’t want big girl to live here any more’ (in ear shot of big girl) I corrected them. The rest of the appointment went the same, they saw big girl, saw she was unregulated. She was angry and making demands about her mobile phone which had been removed, she ranted that she liked the freedom on her 7.5mile adventure and wanted more of it, she ranted her sisters never want to play with her (that in itself is a sign of her mental age, she wants to play with ponies and dolls and ‘vets’ and ‘hotels’ and dressing up) they told her they wanted to give her all the things she wanted ie tech, and to prepare her for adulthood.

They asked MrFo5 and I if we’d had any training (this was when it started to feel really annoying) I reeled off the extensive list which included NVR and I was told they wanted us to work with them, in the home, on ‘better’ NVR training!? I asked them if they’d received any training in attachment or the long term effects of trauma and neglect. They hadn’t. I wasn’t surprised given their actions and advice so far.

Big girl was still unregulated, making demands and manipulating them. They suggested I run her a bubble bath and watch a movie with her. They had no understanding of how trauma was driving her manipulative ways or how traumatised and emotionally empty I was feeling. They suggested we took her for a walk as she’d expressed wanting to escape. I reminded them of the risk and they said ‘well if she runs we’ll deal with it’. Big girl, who could hear this conversation walked past us to the back of the house, threw herself to the floor and began crying. She said her feet hurt so much that she was unable to stand, walk, crawl. Eventually MrFO5 had to carry her upstairs. The safeguarding team left. Big girl began stomping about in her bedroom instantly. The reality is, she’d heard them suggest the walk and didn’t want to leave the house, I guess because she knows she’d feel compelled to try and run off. What the safeguarding ladies failed to understand was that, she’s trying to run from something that’s inside her head, she just doesn’t know how to manage whatever it is that’s upset her, she just wants to escape from it.

Today she is continuing to rant about wanting to leave and threats to fight me for the keys whilst hobbling about on her clearly very sore feet. She’s asked to speak to CAMHS, apparently she wants to tell them she doesn’t want to live here any more, she’d rather live on the streets apparently.

We’re all on our knees right now.

Oh, and we still have NO idea what caused this or how it will end or when I’ll see my gentle kind big girl again.

#CPV aka Child to Parent Violence

Published August 26, 2019 by thefamilyof5

It’s a very emotive topic, most people don’t like to think about it, never mind discuss it. Too much risk of ‘child shaming’ I guess. But it needs to be talked about more openly, it’s needs to be acknowledged as a difficulty some parents face, and it needs to be acknowledged as ‘not ok!’

Big girl becomes violent when she’s anxious, this has happened since around the age of 9, her tantrums progressed to being violent out bursts. With every incident the volatility, the violence, the anger and the danger all increase. Big girl has always directed all of her negativity and anger towards me, so of course all the violence is aimed at me also. I used to be bigger than her, I used to be able to stop her hurting herself and me.

The paramedics who came Wednesday checked her foot where she’d bruised it kicking me and a table. They checked the superficial cuts on the back of her hand that she did with a dinner knife, the same one she told me she’d use to kill me. They looked at the bruised hand she used to punch me.

People suggested I make her a sandwich since she’d refused breakfast. The police suggested she did something she enjoyed like some colouring. Camhs suggested I gave her more medication.

I’m currently covered in many bruises which I’ve desperately tried to hide from baby girl and middle girl. They know what happened, they were here, but they don’t need constant visual reminders.

No one checked my bruises or my broken heart in the 11.5hrs they were in my home and on my phone. No one made sure I’d eaten that day (I hadnt and didn’t until 9pm).

No one really knows how to react when they see/hear what happened. It’s like an elephant in the room. Because no one talks about it, it almost becomes a secret. No one dare mention anything to big girl right now for fear of triggering another ‘incident’, so egg shells it is.

Everyone continues to play happy families, well, everyone except me. I’m bruised and sore and have constant reminders of the events that unfolded last Wednesday all over my body. My muscles ache, my body is bruised, my heart is broken. I’m not really up for playing happy families. I’m fed up, I’m annoyed, I’m hurt and really not feeling very warm towards big girl right now. Not helped by Big girl who has continued her rein of anger and negativity towards me, there’s no remorse for me, or regret, she’s not sorry. She’s just continued to be obnoxious and rude to me, and only me.

Big girl doesn’t ‘need’ to be nice to me though, she doesn’t ‘need’ anything from me, she’s getting all her needs met by everyone else, everyone else is giving her the power and the drive to continue to pour her negativity in to me.

The family that dare not mention it to her for fear of her kicking off, those that over compensate and try to make her feel happier without pointing out what she did and continues to do, is wrong, the CAMHS worker who suggests I take her lunch to her bedroom when she refuses to come downstairs to eat, whilst screaming that I’m starving her (which somehow makes ME feel like I’m groveling for her forgiveness!? How does that work), the consultant who has a 5 minute chat with her alone and decides she has capacity and is in control, implying it’s behaviour, which then implies parenting is the issue, the CAMHS worker that suggests I take her to the park to have some fun.

No one checked I wanted to do these things, no one asked how I was feeling, no one asked me if it felt safe, or even if my body hurt too much to walk around a park.

Every single person that doesn’t address the huge great big white elephant in the room with big girl, enables her to continue to target me. In her eyes, I’m the one who doesn’t try to cheer her up, I’m the one that doesn’t want to pander to her by taking food to her room, I’m the one that doesn’t talk in a gentle warming tone and buy her treats, I’m the one that didn’t want to go to the park, I’m the one thats miserable and not playing happy families, but I’m also the one with the bruises and the one who is still on the receiving end of all her negativity. She is being enabled by everyone’s fear of addressing CPV for what it is! It’s NOT ok.

The world that can’t bare to think about child to parent violence. Also known as ‘domestic violence’, and it’s not ok!

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