Loss

Published July 2, 2019 by thefamilyof5

At big girls special school the year 11’s left last Friday. Big girl told me Thursday night. (Last year the first I knew of it was an email from school telling me she’s cried the entire day, and then she came home and raged).

A quick e-mail to school and I was assured by the head that big girl would not be involved in the leavers assembly and she could be taken somewhere quiet instead. I explained how the themes of loss would be too much and likely to trigger her own feelings of loss. I also explained that as the day was likely to be tainted by themes of loss they’d need to keep a close eye on her. I asked them to move her to somewhere quiet if she showed any signs of upset during the day. I explained that it was unlikely she would be able to explain how she was feeling and would likely misplace any feelings of sadness to the ‘leavers’. I was assured this would be fine and staff would be made aware to keep a close eye on her.

I got an email late Friday to let me know big girl had been upset most of the day and was still upset when she’d left school. I replied instantly to check they’d moved her to somewhere quiet as agreed, but no reply came.

Shortly after I received the email, big girl burst though the door. Dysregulated and clearly overwhelmed. It wasn’t safe for me to ask her about her day. It wasn’t really safe for me to engage in any communication at all.

Until Sunday.

Big girl told me that on Friday she’d expressed feeling sad to her teacher. So it was then decided that because she was ‘missing out’ on the leavers assembly, they’d make special arrangements for her to attend the leavers party instead!!

So Friday, in an already unregulated state, she was taken the leavers party, for almost 2hours, with music, sugary foods (we have explained to school the issues big girl has with food and why it’s important she isnt given food treats/rewards in school) and dancing, in fact, all of the things that she hates and finds utterly overwhelming, with an extra huge helping of ‘loss’ to go with it.

Explains our difficult weekend!

Mr FO5 and I explained to big girl that we were concerned by the actions of school and as such she wouldn’t able to return. She was instantly a much happier child. Like a huge weight had been lifted. I asked her to grab a pen and paper and write down exactly how she was feeling at that very moment.

So now I await an explanation from school about what happened Friday and why.

I also received a phonecall Friday from our local authority who advised me that they’d reassessed big girls EHCP and decided that the current provision could meet her needs. I can’t repeat my response but I can tell you it’s unlikely they’ll ever telephone me again! In fact, I followed up the conversation with an email and requested they keep all communications in e-mail from now on.

Given the on-going issues over the last 18 months, we’ve requested tuition that takes place outside of the home i.e. local library or some type place. This will mean she isn’t home full time, which we’ve already discovered doesn’t work for her, and it will give her an opportunity to eventually, independently, travel to her place of study which would be a huge step in boosting her self confidence and independence skills, of which at almost 15, she has none. She will be able to attend social activities with us meaning she isn’t constantly overwhelmed by peers. Big girl isn’t really very sociable when it comes to peers. She much prefers adult company or to be with very young children/toddlers.

I received a draft copy of the EHCP yesterday, it makes for difficult reading, it’s very clear that big girl struggles with all aspects of a school environment. I’m not sure what the panel within the LEA read but it can’t have been the same as what I read.

So I now have big girl at home which means she’s super happy but it’s super hard for everyone else, I have to appeal the draft of big girls EHCP and get the LEA to agree a school setting just isn’t right for her, oh and I still haven’t heard a single word about the safeguarding referral that was made 4 weeks ago!

I’m tired of everything being such a huge battle, I’d really like to be able to get on with being a mom to ALL of my children. I just need professionals to take the time to understand my children and their needs.

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One comment on “Loss

  • It’s frustrating the adult she confided in jumped in to fix things rather than help her to decipher and tolerate her feelings. Yes, it is sad to miss out on an assembly that all of the other students get to attend. Trauma robs you of so many little pieces of normal life. And that’s how it is.

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