More Secrets.

Published June 4, 2019 by thefamilyof5

I don’t really know where to start. Everything is feeling very difficult right now. Even structuring a sentence.

We discovered big girl has been keeping secrets, lots of secrets and for potentially the entire 18months she’s been in school.

It seems the assistant in her taxi has been plying her with money, chocolate bars, cakes and energy drinks and telling big girl to keep it a secret. So she did. Food has historically been an issue/trigger for big girl, one I thought we’d overcome.

The assistant is being dealt with via the formal route via the safeguarding team. Too disgusted to comment more on her.

As a parent, big girl is my responsibility. I’m torn between seeing her as a victim, to seeing her as someone who’s lied to me for 18 months. (I wonder how much of the violence we’ve had was due to sugar overload.) I’m struggling to move on. Big girl moved on a long time ago. We had a long weekend of shame fuelled violence and dangerous behavior, all directed at me as usual, and then she moved on. It’s not that simple for the rest of us.

Big girls relationship with me has always been difficult. I represent the thing she fears most. A mother. Connection. Love. She’s always pushed me away as far as she possibly can whilst simultaneously needing me for everything. She is utterly dependant on me for everything and too terrified of the world to change that. So she avoids ALL connection with me whilst draining me of my emotional, physical and mental energy which allows her to navigate life. I’m trying to follow the advice and not take it personally, but it IS personal. She’s lied to me. Kept secrets from me. Deceived me. Manipulated me.

I just don’t know how to move on from this. I’m hurt, I’m angry and I’m hurt some more. I’m scared for her future and I’m scared for ours. What else has she kept secret. What will be next. What could have been. Why.

I have no positive memories or connection with big girl to draw from. It’s just this. It’s just an empty black hole and I don’t know how to get us out of it, together. Or even apart.

Of course baby girl and middle girl sense my brokenness, despite my best outwardly efforts to be ‘ok’. So they’re understandably pushing those boundaries and buttons in search of safety too. I’m exhausted.

I’m feeling very alone and broken right now.

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4 comments on “More Secrets.

  • This is so hard.
    I have been thinking lately about models of caretakers and that some people adhere so strongly to their first models that they are never updated. This model may be of a caretaker who lacks concern for the child. The way the child copes is to avoid activating caretaking models. Big girl seems to cope that way. As long as she doesn’t need you, the vortex of terror doesn’t get opened up. I don’t think she has a separate model of you as a caretaker. I think there is you where she does not perceive the care and there is bio mom and her brain is do overwhelmed by the necessity to protect herself from danger she cannot take in the information that, for example, you wouldn’t deprive her of junk food out of jealousy.

    It is scary, because she can’t learn new coping skills without accepting caretaking. And she doesn’t have the coping skills to digest her past.

    It’s also scary because there is no good reason someone would give a child secret junk food.

  • I have 3 teenagers over 17, two with SNs, and I have found lying a stage that they seem to go through. When they do something they know is wrong, they are so black and white about it, that they conceal it, partly because they assume they will get into trouble, and partly because they cannot imagine (theory of mind) that your response might not be anger but supportive. So I don’t think it is manipulative in the way you think ,more a kind of inability to imagine someone else’s thought processes and fear of being punished/told off..

    Definitely don’t take it personally. And reading back in your blog, there is an incredible love for Big Girl in your words and an appreciation of all sorts of parts of her character. 14 year olds do come across as quixotic and spiteful, and there is a lot of violence in their responses, but I promise that it does get better as they get older when their brain starts connecting up again, autism or not. ( I have two on the spectrum, and my dd has been quite violent at times although NT – I suspect she has some sensory issues too)

    The craving for sugar is a something to do with ADHD too I think, it is a way of stimulating the under stimulated brain, ds1 used to binge on sugary drinks and snacks on the way home, despite being given good food at mealtimes and healthy protein snacks like chicken sandwiches and scrambled egg on toast as well – I think he was desperately trying to wake himself up, to focus and sugar was the quickest simplest way to feel good.

    It is appalling that all these lies have been told by the taxi assistant, but I think your dd is not to blame, she was in an incredibly vulnerable position, and lying in that situation is understandable, someone was making her feel as if the secret made her important. You are right to think it disgusting that someone abused their position in this way and distorted her trust in adults.

  • I’m sorry. It’s so hard when things like this happen and others don’t really understand unless they walk in the shoes we do. May there be some growth and healing now that everyone knows what is happening. Hugs.

  • Of course you are exhausted, dear. This is hard, difficult stuff. Your feelings sound perfectly normal to me. It is personal and it is hard. That’s fine. The truth is you do a great job navigating this tough situation. You’re great with your daughter. Give yourself some grace for being human. It’s ok. You are awesome!

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