Let me tell you about big girl, those of you that read regular you will know she started at a special school last year, after a rough few years of home education, that came after an even rougher few years of mainstream schooling.
So here we are, she’s back in school and it’s hard for her.
Big girl finds relationships really difficult to manage. In particular her relationship with me. She needs me and yet pushes me away in equal measures. She finds the mother relationship far too scary, yet knows I’m her biggest advocate and the only one that ‘knows’ her. I suspect I might be the only person she trusts too. In fact, me ‘knowing her’ scares her the most I’m sure.
Living with big girl is hard for everyone, she’s contrary and oppositional and a source of regular negativity, she does however share lots of lovely positive moments with her sisters and dad. She can be kind and thoughtful and caring.
Living with big girl is super hard for me. I don’t get to share in any of those positive moments, she keeps those for other people. I get the rejection, the contempt, the anger. Some days it feels like she goes out of her way to reject me in new and creative ways. Some of the things she does are easy to explain, for example how she only ever hugs me in front of other people, or how she says ‘good night’ to me but ‘good night love you’ to daddy, or how she often waits until I’ve left the room to tell daddy something she wants me to know (she knows he’ll tell me), or how she’ll give people extra big cuddles in front of me.
There are also things that happen that I can’t explain here, things that involve a sequence of events that she’s lined up, or things that she’ll say to other people in ear shot of me knowing it’ll hurt me, or a look, or a smirk, sometimes it feels that her aim in life is to hurt me, mentally, physically and emotionally.
The hardest part though, is trying to go on unconditionally supporting and helping her navigate this life that terrifies her so much whilst she continually tries to pull me down.
School is hard for her, but you wouldn’t guess that if you were a fly on the wall. I’m sure she does a really good job of looking ‘ok’, it’s how she keeps herself safe. Of course it means sadly no one in school has a clue of who she is or how she works meaning she’s constantly bringing home her anxiety. (Which school of course feel is all related to things happening at home because she’s fine in school). Everything somehow, in her head, becomes my fault. For example, a week ago, someone started talking in school about the momo thing. It terrified her. She came home completely overwhelmed. She rampaged for a week because apparently when I asked her about her day it stressed her out, so then it was all my fault. Then a tense weekend, whereby we all walked on egg shells whilst she threatened to ‘kick off’ if we asked her what was the matter. All because she was anxious about a lesson the coming week. Then on Monday in school, some kid managed to Google that stupid momo image in class. She saw it. It terrified her. Of course it’s my fault that she’s been foul all week. Apparently, because I tried to help ease her fears, and it didn’t work, she’s still terrified of the image she saw in school. So she’s punishing me. Not her teachers, the ones who didn’t keep her safe in school, no, they get smiles. I get blame.
Everything is always my fault. There will inevitably be something else next week that will be my fault too, the week after the week after that, there’s always something, it’s never ending, and it’s always me she blames.
I’m tired of being blamed. I’m feeling pretty done in. This toxic cloud of negativity she’s been throwing at me for 9 years is weighing heavy on my shoulders right now.