All posts for the month March, 2019


Published March 17, 2019 by thefamilyof5

We had a great half term. Despite all of us feeling apprehensive about how big girl would be, she was lovely. She played with her sisters, helped out around the house, was kind, respectful, happy and slept better. Just like Christmas break.

She returned to school after a weeks break, by the Tuesday of the first week of school she was already rude, angry, defiant and tired.

Things got progressively worse, my kind gentle big girl was making threats by the weekend. By the following week she was hostile and refusing medication.

With no help from Post Adoption Support, the SEND team or CAMH’s (aside from medication) and school unable to really grasp how school effects her, we were left with little choice but to pull her out of school for a few days.

We told her Tuesday night. She was furious. We were ruining her education and taking her away from her friends she said.

She woke up Wednesday morning and said ‘good morning’ to me for the first time in 2 weeks. She’s had a great few days again. Slept better, enjoyed being with her family, been happy. She tells me she’s had a lovely time, hasn’t missed her friends and isn’t worried about her learning after all because she knows she can do more than school ask of her she tells me.

Baby girl and Middle girl were understandably upset about the prospect of their angry volatile sister staying home from school. I talked it through with them before speaking to Big girl. Baby girl said ‘I’ll support your decision mommy but I can’t promise I will want to play with her, she makes me feel scared’. Baby girl and Middle girl have made me super proud this week, they’ve been respectful and kind and Baby girl did play with Big girl after all. They’re in the playroom as I type in fact, playing with Baby girls new teddy.

Sisters enjoying Comic Relief together!

She’s going back to school tomorrow with a plan for additional down time throughout the day to hopefully stop things building and overspilling when she gets home. Hopefully school will support this. The anxiety has already started to build, she hasn’t slept as much and tells me she’s feeling anxious about going back to school. I’m not sure how many days she will last this time or how many days the rest of us will last either.

We have a reassessment of her EHCP taking place but as no one in the SEND team ever returns my calls or emails it’s difficult for me to know what this will mean. I’ve requested an alternative education provision for her, something that looks like 1:1 tuition that takes place locally but outside of our home.

Without the support of Post Adoption (who tell me it’s an education issue) CAMHS (who only provide medication) and schools inability to see what she can and can’t manage, I’m not sure big girl will get what she needs from the SEND team, which leaves our family in a very fragile position.

I wonder what will need to happen before all of the services start working together and taking proper steps to support my family.


It’s always my fault.

Published March 7, 2019 by thefamilyof5

Let me tell you about big girl, those of you that read regular you will know she started at a special school last year, after a rough few years of home education, that came after an even rougher few years of mainstream schooling.

So here we are, she’s back in school and it’s hard for her.

Big girl finds relationships really difficult to manage. In particular her relationship with me. She needs me and yet pushes me away in equal measures. She finds the mother relationship far too scary, yet knows I’m her biggest advocate and the only one that ‘knows’ her. I suspect I might be the only person she trusts too. In fact, me ‘knowing her’ scares her the most I’m sure.

Living with big girl is hard for everyone, she’s contrary and oppositional and a source of regular negativity, she does however share lots of lovely positive moments with her sisters and dad. She can be kind and thoughtful and caring.

Living with big girl is super hard for me. I don’t get to share in any of those positive moments, she keeps those for other people. I get the rejection, the contempt, the anger. Some days it feels like she goes out of her way to reject me in new and creative ways. Some of the things she does are easy to explain, for example how she only ever hugs me in front of other people, or how she says ‘good night’ to me but ‘good night love you’ to daddy, or how she often waits until I’ve left the room to tell daddy something she wants me to know (she knows he’ll tell me), or how she’ll give people extra big cuddles in front of me.

There are also things that happen that I can’t explain here, things that involve a sequence of events that she’s lined up, or things that she’ll say to other people in ear shot of me knowing it’ll hurt me, or a look, or a smirk, sometimes it feels that her aim in life is to hurt me, mentally, physically and emotionally.

The hardest part though, is trying to go on unconditionally supporting and helping her navigate this life that terrifies her so much whilst she continually tries to pull me down.

School is hard for her, but you wouldn’t guess that if you were a fly on the wall. I’m sure she does a really good job of looking ‘ok’, it’s how she keeps herself safe. Of course it means sadly no one in school has a clue of who she is or how she works meaning she’s constantly bringing home her anxiety. (Which school of course feel is all related to things happening at home because she’s fine in school). Everything somehow, in her head, becomes my fault. For example, a week ago, someone started talking in school about the momo thing. It terrified her. She came home completely overwhelmed. She rampaged for a week because apparently when I asked her about her day it stressed her out, so then it was all my fault. Then a tense weekend, whereby we all walked on egg shells whilst she threatened to ‘kick off’ if we asked her what was the matter. All because she was anxious about a lesson the coming week. Then on Monday in school, some kid managed to Google that stupid momo image in class. She saw it. It terrified her. Of course it’s my fault that she’s been foul all week. Apparently, because I tried to help ease her fears, and it didn’t work, she’s still terrified of the image she saw in school. So she’s punishing me. Not her teachers, the ones who didn’t keep her safe in school, no, they get smiles. I get blame.

Everything is always my fault. There will inevitably be something else next week that will be my fault too, the week after the week after that, there’s always something, it’s never ending, and it’s always me she blames.

I’m tired of being blamed. I’m feeling pretty done in. This toxic cloud of negativity she’s been throwing at me for 9 years is weighing heavy on my shoulders right now.

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