So big girls struggling again, police, self harm, violence, chaos, dangerous behaviour, but I don’t want to talk about that. She’s moved on, she’s happy listening to the ‘Big top 40’ without a care in the world so long as we don’t make her think about what she did, she won’t.
Instead I want to talk about the rest of us. We’re shell shocked, drowning in the aftermath of her trauma. Baby girl and middle girl sobbed for over 4 hours whilst their sister created chaos and fear. Baby girl begged me through her tears to not let her hurt her mommy and daddy any more. Middle girl felt terrified with a police officer in our home, again, the place she is supposed to be able to feel safe. That’s not to mention the week long build up, we all knew it was coming. The air has been thick with tension, anticipation and fear for a while. Since she returned to school.
Afterwards, when the screaming has stopped, when there’s no hateful words left to say and the hitting and kicking has stopped, when big girl switches it off as quick as she switched it on. We’re left wading through the swamp of trauma. Our achey sleep deprived brains, bruised sore body’s trying to make sense of what the hell happened. Yet big girl has moved on, and with that she has an expectation for everything to be normal.
No one considers the immense amount of stress having secrets about ‘incase of fire’ keys sellotaped behind pictures has on baby girl and middle girls sense of feeling safe. How the knives being kept and hidden in a secret place that they must never tell big girl about, or the fact that everything is locked and alarmed. How mommy and daddy’s pockets now jingle with the sounds of the keys kept safe in there. These are not normal things for kids to have to deal with. It’s impossible for them to feel ‘normal’ when nothing around them feels normal.
And then there’s the huge white elephant in the room, the one we can’t talk about for fear of upsetting big girl, she doesn’t want to think about what she did never mind talk about it, but WE need to talk about it so that WE can heal and move forward.
Then everyone around us starts over compensating in an attempt to make big girl feel better, loved, and included, but without realising, they’re dismissing the trauma experience for the rest of us.
Big girls moved on, we held her, we carried her through it, we held on tight and didn’t let go and that took everything from us but it worked and now she’s happy as Larry eating cake and listening to her favorite ‘Big Top 40’ and that’s all that matters to her. The fact that she was almost arrested for assault, put herself in great danger, was close to being sectioned, now has a huge increase in anti psychotic meds or the fact that she’s had 2 emergency Camhs home visits, is lost on her. But not us.
It’s not over for the rest of us, we somehow have to find the strength to keep an air of normal, pretend that everything is ok, and try not to talk about that huge white elephant! Baby girl and middle girl are smiling at her, talking to her and including her despite the fact that they are emotionally exhausted, sleep deprived, and scared of her, because they know that’s what she needs. I’m so proud of them.
Social workers, police officers, CAMHS workers, out of hours crisis teams all have no idea the level of trauma we are ALL managing here. If they did, they’d be helping us ALL.