Those of you that have Facebook will know all about the ‘on this day’ function. It’s a feature that reminds you of posts from ‘on this day’ over the years. Today Facebook reminded me of a photo I took of the girls at a family party, it was about 6 months after placement. They were settled, happy and attached so going to the party seemed a great idea. This party was our first big family gathering, we bought new dresses and shoes and were excited about being seem out as a family of 5.
I remember commenting on what a lovely time the girls had, they’d danced, enjoyed a buffet and smiled a lot. I remember the journey home, it was very late but none of the girls slept, they were just so excited I remember thinking. They were so well behaved the entire night. I felt so proud.
Then Facebook showed me a photo from the party. Their fake and forced smiles, the look of terror in their eyes, their body’s ridged and wary. I feel ashamed for now seeing it.
I realise now that even after 6 months of being their mommy, I didn’t know. I didn’t know their faces well enough to be able to truly read them, I didn’t know their body language enough to be able to understand it. I thought we were settled, attached and out the otherside. After 6 months of being a family, we were all still strangers, and they were still terrified, I just didn’t realise that at the time.
That was over 7 years ago, we’re still getting to know each other today, they do now thankfully feel safe with us and we know them well enough to know when they’re not ‘ok’ and they know us well enough to know we won’t hurt them, but attachment, that thing that I naively thought we’d mastered in a couple of months, well, that’s still a work in progress.