Sometimes it all just feels too much.
I don’t feel like a mom lately. I feel like a therapist, a psychologist, a referee, an advocate, a PA, an emotional punch bag!
There is too much to remember, too much to keep on top of, too much to explain, too much to figure out, too much to think about, just too much!
All the girls are struggling, it’s been like it for several months now and I feel like I’m running round in circles putting out a constant supply of little fires, but with every fire I extinguish, another two appear, sometimes three.
Baby girl is stressed out to the max, she’s not sleeping, is run down and sucking the life out of me with her demands for attention and control.
Middle girl is stressed out to the max, she’s not sleeping, her skin and nails are showing the signs of stress, yet she keeps pushing me further and further away.
Big girl is stressed out to the max, she’s not sleeping, is run down having daily tantrums and constantly trying to provoke a reaction from me, sometimes she wins.
In the last month I’ve joined a support group for parents of children who self harm, which is basically a bunch of parents sat in a room saying ‘I don’t know what to do’, and a member of staff from CAMHS that says nothing more than ‘well what do you think you should do?’.
I’ve taken all 3 girls, at the same time, to see the gp to ask, no beg for help with their sleep difficulties, there’s none available apparently, but she commended them on being ‘pretty’ and remarked how she hoped they’d come back and see her again soon.
I’ve also contacted the Autism specialists for help with baby girls worries about everything and anything, and middle girls anger and stress which I’m putting down to social difficulties, I have to wait until early 2015 before they’ll see me, never mind the girls.
I’m also in daily communications with the school, but honestly, I’m getting sick of having to tell them about this worry and that worry and this incident and that incident, I must sound like a broken record to them, I’m starting to wonder why we bother, the teachers are working so hard to ‘get it right’ but the minute they remedy one issue, the girls present yet another! Even their ‘key worker’ has said she finds them totally draining some days. Every stress, worry and anxiety seems to be school related. They store them all up and bring them home! They can’t cope with school, and I cant cope with home schooling.
I’m not sure how much longer I can play these games, because that’s what it feels like, I feel like a pawn in a game of chaos!