Do you remember a while ago I had The Talk with big girl, well recently she had the same talk in school and last night I discovered just how hard she’d found it.
Lets start by going back a bit so you can fully understand.
4.5 weeks ago the anxiety began when I was approached on the playground by 2 teachers, who in front of the girls, spoke to me about how sports day was coming up after half term and I might want to consider keeping the girls off if they didn’t want to take part.
3.5 weeks ago, more anxiety because sports day was imminent.
3 weeks ago it was Sports day, which went relatively smoothly like it always has. That same week big girl came home with a letter advising that the school nurse would be visiting the following Monday to talk to them about puberty.
Later that week big girl came home with another letter advising that a steel band would also be coming to visit them the following week, and finally another notification of a planned trip to a local Caribbean restaurant to sample some of their foods.
2 weeks ago the Puberty talk took place, the Steel Band Played and they visited a Caribbean restaurant.
1 week ago Baby girl was told about her class assembly that was talking place the following week.
This week, Big girl was told about her class assembly that took place today and baby girl had her class assembly on Tuesday. Yesterday Middle girl came home and told me she will be having her class assembly (its 2 weeks away).
The last 4.5 weeks have been horrendously stressful for the girls which effects me and Mr FO5 also, with a constant stream of ‘stuff’ going on that’s set to continue until the end of term I fear.
So I didn’t notice the trigger, I wasn’t able to see specifically where it was coming from, sports day had passed, everything else went by seemingly uneventful, yet the difficult behaviors continued. I knew big girl was struggling the most, she wasn’t sleeping, her moods were awful and she was having regular tantrums at home. I asked and asked over and over what was worrying her, she just said ‘nothing’. Her sisters were anxious, there was a lot of things going on in school for them too but they were acutely aware of Big girls mood and it was sucking them in. I had 3 tired, grumpy, stroppy girls and no one could tell me why.
Last night after yet another foot stomping book throwing tantrum from big girl I cracked, I shouted, in fact I screamed, a lot, and sent her to bed, it was half past 5, I was emotionally exhausted and feeling every bit of her trauma. I calmed down and went up to her half an hour later. She was sad. I was sad. Eventually those all important words emerged, through her tears and from her frightened little mouth. ‘You know when the nurse came and I told you I didn’t have any questions after our talk, well, the nurse said my period will start at the same time my mom’s did when she was my age??’.
At a time that she was already feeling uncomfortable, emotional, worried and apprehensive she was made to think of her birth mom. She was made to wonder if it meant that she was going to be just like her birth mom in other ways too. She was left wondering how she’d ever be able to find out when her period would come because she wasn’t able to ask her birth mom. She was left feeling alone and isolated with her thoughts.
Big girl spends most of her time in school feeling lonely and she’s ashamed of her loneliness. She’s convinced that the children hate her and don’t want to be her friend because she’s a bad person, She doesn’t feel loved, liked or cared about in school and she brings that feeling home with her.
My poor poor big girl, she held it inside for 2 weeks, so scared, so afraid and helpless that she felt she had no one in the whole world she could talk to about this, not even me.
I’ve linked this post up at The Weekly Adoption Shoutout (#WASO) over at The Adoption Social