Biggest Barrier

Published November 10, 2013 by thefamilyof5

This week the theme over at the adoption social for #WASO, is ‘Barriers’.

As a family we’ve faced many barriers, some of them huge, some not so much. Of all the barriers we’ve faced there is one that has been, and continues to be, the most difficult to face.

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It isn’t the lack of post adoption support
It isn’t the friends that left because they didn’t understand
It isn’t the family that turned the other way when things got tough
It isn’t the mental health specialists that made and still make, us jump through hoops
It isn’t even the teachers that didn’t and don’t ‘get it’

It the barriers the girls have put up, the wall they’ve built around themselves as protection.

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Brick by Brick, we’re slowly taking down those walls.

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Maybe one day they’ll trust us!

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4 comments on “Biggest Barrier

  • I think children like this actually don’t know how to tell whether someone is trustworthy or not–and that’s the source of the lingering hypervigilance and the walls. You discover who is trustworthy based on how you feel–that sense of warmth and safety you get from being around someone who cares. But these children, first of all, were betrayed by the same people who gave them that feeling, so then that feeling doesn’t trigger relaxation. It triggers alertness. Also, you learn to ignore anxiety about people, because it’s so omnipresent–it stops being an important indicator of anything. And so then you don’t notice when the anxiety lowers around the people who care about you, and you don’t realize you can trust them. I hope they learn you are trustworthy as well.

  • I see Jonathan’s wall in so many ways; through his emotions, his words, his actions, even in his play he is constantly putting up gates (tape, string anything) to keep us out unless he allows us to pass through. It’s really sad to see sometimes but really amazing to watch how his little brain slowly opens up those gates once in a while, even if it’s just for a moment, to let us in and test the waters.
    Being vulnerable is so hard for ‘everyday’ people. I can’t imagine the courage it will take our kids to let themselves one day be vulnerable enough to let us in for good.

    Great post. Thank you:)

  • Thank you for sharing your post. Beeswax’s walls are almost impossible to penetrate and over the years I have had to learn to accept that he needs to do this because trusting adults is still too difficult. But in those minute moments when it is all too much for him and he allows Bumble or I to see him vulnerable. It is heart-breaking seeing him in this state but it also fills me with hope that he is one step closer to allowing himself to trust us.

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