Drowning in nothingness

Published August 15, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Some days I long for a tantrum, some spontaneity, some genuine emotion, some honesty and feeling.

The predictability, stability, routine, and calm that fills our days can sometimes be suffocating, (as well as boring).

I’m watched, scrutinized, analysed and observed.

I’m told the ‘right’ answers,dutifully paid lip service and deprived of the truth, the real, the raw.

I’m constantly aware of my own reactions, movements and emotions.

I’m careful to not startle, alert or shock. ( I often fail with a cough too loud, or when I move too quickly, or drop something)

I’m forced to quash any sign of ‘craziness’.

I’m the mommy that has to spoil too much fun, calm the manic laughter and settle the first signs of over excitement (or face the consequences of over stimulated, over anxious and over tired kids, which isn’t pretty believe me).

Some days I just want to scream, run outside and shout and jump and bang and be unpredictable, and loud.

Some days the idea of  a late night party, a last minute road trip or even a midnight cleaning frenzy, beckons me and mocks me, from the distance.

Some days I feel like I’m drowning in a still, emotionless desert of nothingness.

Some days I loathe the compliance.

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15 comments on “Drowning in nothingness

  • Do it, go wild…it’s all about learning together and building resilience, might cause some fallout but eventually they will learn that not all surprises are bad. Ps definitely don’t beat yourself up for coughing, you’re not supposed to be supermum!

    • I do sometimes, but not as often as I’d like to, or probably as often as I should do, because they just cant cope with it (even after all this time), and I cant cope with them all when they’re in freefall mode (even after all this time) :/

  • agree with Adoptive Mummy – we have fall out (admittedly only with the one – not three! 🙂 but we do it anyway! it’s life! (not meaning all flippantly hun – i know it’s bloody hard for you) Lots of hugs – and if they could send a spot of compliance over to my Sunshine- that’d be grand! xxx

  • Jonathan is SOOOO expressive and my step son is very passive and often flat and indifferent to everything. I find it so much easier to relate to Jonathan because at least I know exactly where he’s at. I can’t imagine dealing with the emotionless every day – and with three! You are amazing. Go easy on yourself.

  • You’re definitely not the only one. So big hugs from me to you.
    We’re now starting to go wild a bit more, and we feel more confident (through theraplay) in handling the fallout after…that’s the bit where the emotions come out and we can actually address them. But we’re having to work REALLY hard on the security and attachment stuff so that we can effectively help him calm/regulate. We couldn’t have done it without Theraplay and intervention.

    Thanks for sharing this post on the Weekly Adoption Shout Out x

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