Some days I long for a tantrum, some spontaneity, some genuine emotion, some honesty and feeling.
The predictability, stability, routine, and calm that fills our days can sometimes be suffocating, (as well as boring).
I’m watched, scrutinized, analysed and observed.
I’m told the ‘right’ answers,dutifully paid lip service and deprived of the truth, the real, the raw.
I’m constantly aware of my own reactions, movements and emotions.
I’m careful to not startle, alert or shock. ( I often fail with a cough too loud, or when I move too quickly, or drop something)
I’m forced to quash any sign of ‘craziness’.
I’m the mommy that has to spoil too much fun, calm the manic laughter and settle the first signs of over excitement (or face the consequences of over stimulated, over anxious and over tired kids, which isn’t pretty believe me).
Some days I just want to scream, run outside and shout and jump and bang and be unpredictable, and loud.
Some days the idea of a late night party, a last minute road trip or even a midnight cleaning frenzy, beckons me and mocks me, from the distance.
Some days I feel like I’m drowning in a still, emotionless desert of nothingness.
Some days I loathe the compliance.