Today was session 7.
I didn’t write about session 6 because I came away feeling pretty bewildered about what was supposed to have been achieved, I thought it would come to me after I’d had some time to process the session…….it didn’t.
Todays session has left me feeling fed up, frustrated, confused and tearful. I really have no understanding of what these sessions are about or supposed to achieve.
I collect 3 stressed out girls from school, the journey there is full of nonsense conversations, when we arrive there is usually a rush to see who can get to the door first to open it, we sit in the waiting room, each girl chooses a book to look at whilst we wait, then they constantly compete for my attention to look at their books, all I hear is a constant stream of ‘look mommy’ from 3 different directions. Then when its time, they eagerly rush ahead to ‘the room’ where we’re greeted by the family therapist and psychotherapist. ‘The box’ is always on the table, they instantly open it and busy themselves with its contents ‘colouring’ ‘glueing’ and ‘cutting’ mostly. The psychotherapist talks the most, wondering if a sun is being drawn because they’re happy, or if they’re gluing the paper together because they feel things are falling apart, or if they’re cutting of the paper is significant in some way or if their choice of plastic animal relates to some bizarre feeling or emotion that’s not being met. Mostly the girls are just busy and ignoring him. 59 minutes later I take home 3 stressed out girls and spend the rest of the day calming them.
For me however, the sessions seem to mean so much more. I’m listening to him, I’m taking in everything he says. Is she gluing the paper because she feels like she’s falling apart? Does that plastic cow really represent a need I haven’t met? Is that black house she drew her dark view of our life? Is the fact that she sat in a different chair a sign of her insecurities? Did she draw food because she’s feeling empty inside? Am I missing this much? Am I really this inadequate and incapable?
Most of the things the girls do are just ‘playing’ I’m sure. I’m also sure that sometimes his random wonderings put idea’s in to their head. Like the day he asked, ‘I wonder if your thinking that the spare chair should be for daddy and where he fits in to all of this?’ Well I’m fairly sure they hadn’t even noticed the spare chair until he pointed it out and hadn’t even considered the idea that daddy might come to the sessions at some point. Most of his wonderings leave me feeling ‘rubbish’, and as though I’m missing so much, but am I really?
I’m not! I’m not missing it, I know the girls are struggling, I know we have problems we need to work through, we wouldn’t be there otherwise would we.
I just wonder when they’re going to stop telling me how bad things are and start telling me how to make them better!