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All posts for the month May, 2013

An Adoptee’s Perspective: 10 Things Adoptive Parents Should Know

Published May 31, 2013 by thefamilyof5

Just stumbled upon this great blog and ii’d like to share it with you!

Diary of a Not-So-Angry Asian Adoptee

1. Adoption is not possible without loss. Losing one’s birth parents is the most traumatic form of loss a child can experience. That loss will always be a part of me. It will shape who I am and will have an effect on my relationships—especially my relationship with you.

2. Love isn’t enough in adoption, but it certainly makes a difference. Tell me every day that I am loved—especially on the days when I am not particularly lovable.

3. Show me—through your words and your actions—that you are willing to weather any storm with me. I have a difficult time trusting people, due to the losses I have experienced in my life. Show me that I can trust you. Keep your word. I need to know that you are a safe person in my life, and that you will be there when I need you and when I don’t need…

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Emotional Web

Published May 28, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I’m not sure where I’m going with this blog so I’ll apologise in advance for my ramblings.

The girls were like a ‘pack’ when they first came home, they stuck together like glue. They built a wall around themselves and stuck together. They protected themselves. Over time, and I mean a lot of time, they allowed us (mommy and daddy) in, they allowed us to join their pack and sometimes they accepted me as the leader of the pack. Almost 3 years later and I am the leader of our pack, daddy comes in second with big girl very close behind him followed by baby girl and then middle girl. But when we’re out, in a park, at a party, in a crowd, at camhs, they retreat to the safety of there ‘pack’ once again and their impenetrable wall reappears and keeps those around them away with the exception of course to those of us lucky enough to have already gained some of their trust.

But the girls still always share something unique, they’re ‘connected’ and I don’t mean just biologically but something else, they ‘feel’ each others emotions, they ‘become’ each others emotions, their emotions are ‘as one’. It very odd so I’m finding it difficult to explain.

I ‘feel’ the girls emotions. I feel quite ‘in tune’ with them and can easily sense/see when something isn’t right, just like any other mum I guess. But what they share with each other is something else, they don’t even have to be together to ‘sense’ each other. Remember the day they all independently excused themselves from class, well that happens a lot, not removing themselves from class, but doing/being the same, even when they’re not together. There moods always seem to ‘match’, they even wake up in the same moods. When 1 is tired, they all seem to be tired, when 1 is stroppy, they all seem to be stroppy, when 1 is anxious, they all seem to be anxious, they ‘feel’ what their sisters ‘feel’, its always the same.

Its quite bizarre.

Its like they’re sat on the same web of emotions creating a ripple effect over each other.

Anyone else ever experienced anything like this?

Facebook, Photo’s and Letterbox Contact!

Published May 25, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I made a discovery last night, its a discovery most adoptive parents make at some point or another, its the realisation that birth mum really hasn’t got a clue!

I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that we have a letter box agreement, we write to various members of birth family throughout the year. I always try to keep the letters vague yet positive and respectful of the reader’s feelings. I’ve included photo’s and even some of the girls artwork. I’ve always felt such pity for birth mom, a sadness for her loss and sorrow for the mess that her life has always been.

So you can imagine my reaction to discovering photo’s of MY children on her facebook account. With comments about how much ‘mommy’ loves them, referencing to them as ‘my girls’, and even accounts set up in the girls names with yet more photo’s. I felt physically sick at first. Sick to the pit of my stomach. The sickness soon turned in to anger. How dare she refer to herself as ‘mommy’. How dare she! This is the woman that neglected MY girls, abused MY girls, traumatised MY girls and put her own wants before even the basic needs of MY girls. MY girls were taken from her care for their own safety, they were not lovingly given up!

It ME that’s helping them to heal, its ME that’s soothing them in the night after nightmares, its ME that’s putting them first, its ME that’s showing them the world is a good place and they are safe, its ME that’s showing them they are good and worthy, its ME that lays awake night after night with worry, its ME that dries their tears whilst holding back my own, its ME that’s showing them they need never worry about hunger again, its ME that’s showing them how to take care of the things around them, its ME that’s fighting for them, its ME that’s showing them real love, real happiness, real respect.

I AM THEIR MUMMY!
She is their ABUSER!

I will struggle to write my next letter I will find it hard to be so positive and respectful. Perhaps she’d like to know about the nightmares, the fear, the struggles, the therapy and the lasting and devastating effects of the trauma that SHE has caused.

But I am better than that, I will bite my tongue, I will respect MY girls and continue to write to her in a respectful manner. Because MY girls needs always come first. Those lines of communication need to remain open for now, it cannot and should not be my choice to change things, its a choice for MY girls as they get older. MY girls are finding their own voices, they’ll let me know their wishes in time and I will respect them whatever they are, because I AM THEIR MUMMY!

Our 1st Year!

Published May 24, 2013 by thefamilyof5

One of our very first days out as a family!

Baby girl rescues her sisters from a spider!

Playing with Daddy!

Part time nursery meant lots of 1:1 for me and baby girl!

She played with a sheet of bubble wrap for hours!

Our 1st half term!

Trip to the Farm!

One of my favorite photo’s!

Autumn walks in the forest!

Fun in the Snow!

Feeding the ducks with their Auntie!

They do love those ducks!

I do miss our adventures, i bet she does too!

Our 1st day trip to the beach!

Easter stroll in the park!

Ready, Steady Go!

Fun in the garden with Auntie!

Meeting the Judge!

A family forever!

Things always come in 3’s

Published May 23, 2013 by thefamilyof5

You all know that saying, the one about things coming in 3’s, well it couldn’t be more true here.

I’m feeling pretty fed up tonight, 3 issues to deal with, all 3 girls in trouble in some way or another and tonight, even though its no different to any other night lately, it all just feels like too much.

I know there is probably an element of my mood involved, quite possibly I have a cold coming, there may be some hormonal contribution and I’m definitely tired and emotionally exhausted, which is also no different to any other night lately, but tonight I really don’t feel like I’m coping very well at all.

Nothing major has happened, it never does, its just a constant stream of non-major events grinding me down bit by bit every day, stress upon stress, worry upon worry, leaving me constantly balancing on the edge of coping. I spend most of my days holding it in, brushing it off, smiling and hoping tomorrow’s a better day.

I sound like I’m being dramatic don’t I, and I probably am, but right now, this minute, this is how it feels. You know that ‘ice cream’ headache sensation you get when you fight back the tears, the lump in the throat, the desperation to just curl up and hide, well its here. And quite often it feels like this, in fact I can’t remember when it didn’t feel like this. Is this parenting? Is this what life is about because quite honestly I’m not enjoying it one bit!

But I know tomorrow is a new day, so I’ll cling to the hope that it will be a better one, again!

Ofsted Stress

Published May 21, 2013 by thefamilyof5

I’ve been wondering about some of the difficulties baby girl has lately, I’ve been gathering my thoughts and collating my facts.

Baby girl had a difficult day at school yesterday, she came home in quite an emotional state but I wasn’t able to establish from her garbled ramblings exactly what had happened. She talked about being in trouble  she talked about bumping herself and not being given a wet paper towel which she was not happy about, she talked about her friend also bumping herself and she talked about difficulties at dinner time. None of these were particularly unusual things for her to tell me after a bad day, but what was unusual was her emotional state.

I had no information about what had happened because her home school diary hadn’t been sent home again. I’d already called school earlier in the day to request a meeting to discuss some of the issues from last week so I planned to discuss it then.

I got a phone call today to tell me that Ofsted were in school and there would be no one available to meet with me until after the half term, I wasn’t happy, it wasn’t the first time I’d called and been told Ofsted visits meant I’d have to wait. I remember this happening a month or so ago and being utterly frustrated that no one could return my call for a week because Ofsted were in school. So I asked that baby girls teacher rang me when she could so I could get to the bottom of whatever had upset her so much.

Baby girls teacher called me tonight, she knew nothing of any major incident, she was aware of the few minor incidents but apparently they’d been very minor and very little fuss made of them. So what had triggered this emotional breakdown from her?

You may recall me mentioning here that a few weeks ago I asked our GP to make a referral for baby girl to the Community Pediatrician due to my concerns about sensory issues. I also talked about how easily baby girl becomes dysregulated here. Over the last few years I’ve noticed many things that have made me wonder, like how she doesn’t like her hair being brushed or tied up, like how the noise from the hoover makes her noisy, or how the smell of a persons breath is more intriguing to her than what they’re saying, or how she covers her ears at the first sign of a loud noise, or how she will sit for hours having her back stroked and how she likes me to gently scratch her neck with my finger nails when I put her in to bed, how she ‘takes on’ the emotional state of those around her, or how she yearns for touch of any description (she’s forever leaning on people) or her fascination with water play or her infatuation with smells to name but a few.

So today I was wondering about what it could have been that upset baby girl and then it hit me. Ofstead! We all know how much pressure Ofstead put teachers under, so perhaps baby girl has picked up on her teachers ‘stress’ and absorbed it. I cant remember what that other incident was a few months ago, but I remember feeling very upset about baby girl and being frustrated at not being able to discuss the incident with her teacher, due to Ofstead!!

I’ve done a little online research tonight, lethal I know, BUT, Sensory Processing Disorder is a very good fit! In fact the description in that link could actually be a description of baby girl, with perhaps a couple of small discrepancies. I also came across this checklist and found that more than 2/3rds were relevant to baby girl.

So, I’m even more eager to see the community Pediatrician now, and I shall be taking a list of my observations with me, when the appointment comes through.

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