2 Sides to Every Story – The Schools Side

Published March 22, 2013 by thefamilyof5


So it seems my 3 girls did all managed to excuse themselves from class just like they told me! The series of events they described to me actually happened.

The deputy head at school approached me on the playground today, I braced myself for a defensive story. What I got was an admission of guilt and an explanation as to how it had happened.

As I suspected the teachers had each assumed that the girls had been summons by the office to attend their dentist appointment and allowed them to leave class.
We now know this was not the case.

School has assured me that this will never happen again and that ALL staff have been advised that they are not to release a child from class based on the child’s hearsay and that a member of staff or parent should be accompanying them out of the classroom.

I do feel confident that this particular scenario won’t happen again, however it has raised huge concerns within me about the unpredictability of the girls, this wasn’t a group decision, they didn’t collaborate a plan during their lunch break, they each individually made these choices, albeit the same choices.
Something inside them that day told them that they had to be responsible for themselves, they had to make sure they got to the school office ready for their dentist appointment themselves, they couldn’t trust the grown ups around them so needed to take matters in to their own hands in order to survive, just like before.

They did it remarkably well too, not that I’m surprised, not a single bag or lunch box was left behind, they remembered everything themselves, big girl immediately took on the role of carer and the other 2 followed her lead they didn’t NEED anyone’s help, they know how to survive.
Once I arrived at school and took over from big girl they relaxed, they were safe again, and the anxiety they’d held in became obvious almost immediately.

My girls can survive, they can keep themselves safe and they can take care of their own needs. But they need to see that the world is a safe place now and the grown ups around them will take charge and keep them safe.

That day, the school failed to show my already insecure and frightened girls that they would keep them safe. Instead their teachers allowed them to be in control which made them revert to those survival instincts once again.

Needless to say I will be making sure ALL their teachers keep a closer eye on my unpredictable frightened little girls in future!


16 comments on “2 Sides to Every Story – The Schools Side

  • Oh my. Great that you got reassurances it won’t happen again, but how worrying for you that all three of them still have the same distrust, and therefore formed the same plans independently. Big hugs to you and them. Have the school offered to do any work with them to help this sense of distrust? They might well change their procedures so children can’t excuse themselves again, but it won’t help the root cause will it….

    And thanks for sharing part 2 with #WASO too xx

    • No, school are not great with ‘addressing’ the girls needs, in fact they’re pretty naf at the whole ‘adoption’ stuff, I will be chatting to camhs about this incident to see what they advise or can offer to support the school and the girls x

  • Ooooo totally recognisable that self reliance. Got to admire it – one one hand! On the other it can get them into dangerous territory. Have to admit since getting CHT to write lists she has taken her foot off the control freakery. She writes the list, gets to be authoritarian over it and control it, but then she hands it to me to see it through, and has to trust that process. Its taken the edge off her while still giving her power.

    The SCHOOL scenario is another matter completely. i despair at how often the school respond to her requests and mis-information. They should formally apologise at least. Mx

  • good to hear the continued – even though it doesn’t answer so many questions – the school needing to tighten up all round – and then the survival and coping strategies your girls displayed at the time – so glad you have camhs – and that the girls relaxed once you arrived – that is the key – and a turning point

  • Thanks for updating us, but worrying that it was all as the girls told you. Learning to trust is so very difficult for our children and this only gives them confirmation that they need to be in control of themselves. I hope you can find a way forward with school to build some trust. Thanks for keeping us updated on the Weekly Adoption Shout Out. x

  • Wow. Raising kids is a journey of a lifetime. But it’s supposed to get easier with time spent together. It’s also supposed to get easier as those who support us (school…) learn about our needs. At least they took responsibility – that’s a start.

  • I also find that children with no difficult background, even, can become obsessed with “mummy/teacher told me I MUST do X and I’ll get in BIG TROUBLE if I don’t” – a common one is new clothes must be kept clean, even if they are new wellies worn on a muddy walk. Could it also be a bit of that? I imagine that would be worse in children who do have a history of parents being angry and abusive.

    • Absolutly, and this was quiite apparent when at parents evening I was told by 3 teachers of ‘welly washing’ and ‘scrubbing off paint’ and ‘cleaning shoes’ which no doubt all relate to a flippant comment I’ve probably made about looking after school shoes or being covered in paint on a monday or dirty wellys in the car, like most parents do, but on this occassion, no one told them or suggested for them to do anything, they made that choice themselves.

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