The winds of change……

Published February 23, 2013 by thefamilyof5

In a few months it will be 3 years since our girls came home.
How things have changed.

I thought we were prepared, I’d read lots of books, met other adopters, spent time researching attachment, adoption and general parenting topics.

We’d surrounded our selves with friends and family we thought would see us through the rough times, and we had even taken the time to help prepare them and give them information about the journey we were beginning.

We thought lots of cuddles, reassurance, skin to skin contact, plenty of ‘life story’ work and of course the all important eye contact would be enough. We thought, because we were told, a few months of intense bonding and you’ll feel like you’ve been a family forever.

We were so wrong.

Looking back, that first year, the year we thought was tough, was actually the easiest.

Now we have 3 children who are understandably still struggling with trauma. They’ll very likely continue to receive therapeutic support from CAMHS for many years to come.

We may always have attachment difficulties, they may always struggle with trust, compliance and fear.

This is not where we thought we’d be 3 years in to our journey.

We submitted a list of names to the agency during the approval process of people who we considered to be in our support network, people we thought would be there for us when things got tough. Well things are pretty tough now and most of those people have already disappeared from our lives. Some of those that we thought would be there for us, jumped at the first hurdle. Some are still clinging on and holding back the urge to tell us ‘your doing it all wrong’. And a select few special people have remained loyal and supportive throughout.

There are new names now that we could add to our support network, many of whom were sat in the background in the beginning but have now come forward to offer us support and understanding, and many of whom are adopters that we’ve been lucky enough to meet along the way most of whom we now call our friends.

We’re not the family we thought we’d be, we don’t do the things we thought we would, some of our friends and family weren’t the people we thought they were and we’re not the parents we thought we’d be.

Nothing is as it was, and nothing is as we thought it would be.

There really is nothing that can fully prepare you for life as an adoptive parent.


14 comments on “The winds of change……

    • It has changed for the better here too, because we’re now surrounded mostly by people that ‘get it’ rather than people who judge us, but it does also feel sad that we lost so many ‘friends’ to get here x

  • The ‘friends’ were possibly not true friends if they have gone. We have been on this journey for 6 years & have found that some true friends are more help than the ‘professionals’ who come & then move on.

  • Friends become strangers and strangers become friends. The first time we experienced it was after our baby was stillborn. And every other big hurdle since then. Some people are Good Time friends. Others are Deep Waters friends. And a few special stick out through Thick and Thin. I shouldn’t be surprised, but not even a year into our adoption and we’re experiencing the same thing. Thanks for sharing. I’m glad it’s not just my diminished friendship skills or something 😉

    • Its not just you, sadly its a familiar story for many adopters. Hope you’ve managed to find some local adopters to offer you friendship and support as in reality they are the only ones that will truly understand 🙂

  • Exactly the same here very hard. Lost a lot of friends when my son was stillborn and foolishly thought with adoption I would become “normal”. Not to be – still feel quite isolated and trying to find my place in the world.

    It takes a while to accept the different way your life is going to be and I am not sure I am there yet either x

  • Thanks for sharing. We are perspective adoptive parents and we have still a lot to learn so your post provides some perspective for us.

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