Well today I hit my limit. 2.50am is not a time I can cope with being awake from on a regular basis.
After crying down the phone to hubby for the millionth time I/we decided that I just can’t take it any more and middle girl needs to go back to her own bed, we’ve tried everything, there is nothing left to try. Through my tears I called our GP and requested the sedative the sleep clinic recommended, Circadin, for middle girl. I moved her bedding back to her bed and cried some more. Her early morning antics are tearing our family apart. I’d tried to create a solution. I failed.
I spent the rest of day sat on my sofa staring at the floor feeling nothing but despair and anger.
Anger that middle girl has pushed me this far, anger that I’ve allowed myself to become angry instead of sympathetic towards middle girl, anger that no one has supported us, anger that the professionals who should have known about trauma and how it breeds and feeds, still allowed my girls to be placed knowing they’d have to share a room and anger at my self for letting baby girl down, I can’t protect her.
Baby girl has been a completely different child since we moved middle girl in to our room in November. ALL of my ADD/ADHD concerns for her have gone, she was just tired, so tired that she didn’t know what she was doing, or even where she was. A feeling I’ve got to know these last few months. I’ve loved getting to know the real baby girl, I’ve loved that she hasn’t felt the need to control my every move, I’ve loved that as the chaos inside her dissipated, so did her need to created chaos around her. She’s thrived and I’ve loved her more and more each day.
As I kissed her goodnight tonight and stroked her sleepy face, I kissed good bye to my lovely baby girl and prepared myself for the return of tired, controlling, chaotic baby girl.
Love is……………not enough!