Do you remember being told as a child that ‘I want never gets’ in other words, its more polite to say ‘I would like’ rather than ‘I want’.
I wanted so many things from motherhood. I wanted giggles, snuggles, conversation, casual chatting, baking days, craft afternoon, family games nights, late night movie nights.
In reality I haven’t been able to have any of those things. I have a child with ASD, one with Auditory processing difficulties and one with control issues and all 3 have some attachment difficulties and compete with each other for everything.
Big girl, with ASD finds cuddles, hugs and general touch somewhat difficult, and she also struggles to hold a conversation, she will happily spend hours talking at you, retelling over and over all manner of facts and pieces of generally unimportant pieces of random information that she’s absorbed throughout her short little life, but she can’t chat, she can’t share a real moment.
Middle girl has auditory processing difficulties which means talking in general is difficult but holding a conversation is near impossible and most definitely difficult for all parties involved. Her attachment difficulties also mean she doesn’t really make a connection, she hides behind her smile and keeps herself safe inside.
Baby girl, ahh baby girl, she is emotionally and socially delayed by a couple of years. She can chat, albeit on the level of a 3year old rather than the 5year old she is. Her attachment difficulties leave her feeling as though the world is a very scary place and that things can change very quickly. She feels very out of control of her life, she’s scared and frightened. She compensates for this by trying to control the world and adults around her as best as she can because the adults in her life can’t be trusted as adults don’t always make good decisions, or at least this is how she feels inside, chaotic and scared.
Put them together and you have big girl talking at everyone and ordering them about (because that’s all she knows how to do), baby girl desperate to control the situation in any way she can (even if that means controlling people and provoking reactions) and middle girl frustrated and desperate for attention.
Can you imagine trying to make fairy cakes through that?
Or setting up a painting activity?
Or playing a game with that much competitiveness about?
Or just trying to have a chat about each others day?
Even bedtime stories became a ground for competitiveness and attention seeking with each desperate to turn the page first, or wanting to be the first to comment on the picture, or the first to ask what happens next, or the even the first to interrupt and it wasn’t much easier doing bed time stories individually either.
And as for late night movies with children that have sleep problems, well that just isn’t even worth considering.
Doing ‘stuff’ just isn’t how I envisaged it would be. Its hard, too hard which ultimately has meant I’ve withdrawn myself from doing these sorts of activities with my girls, there just isn’t enough of me to go round or perhaps its just my inability to cope.
Don’t get me wrong, individually my girls all have some beautiful quality’s and we have shared some lovely times, I don’t want this to sound like I’m putting them down in any way, after all their difficulties are not something they have ever had any choice over but as a family, we just don’t function in a way I could have ever envisaged or could have prepared myself for.
I would like some normality, I would like to chat, I would like to enjoy doing things with my girls and most of all, I would like to enjoy being a mummy.
‘This blog is brought to you with the aid of a months worth of sleep deprivation courtesy of middle girl’