The D word. It could relate to many things, disability, dysfunction, depression even ducks! 😉
But for the purposes of this post, the D word relates to drugs! Not the illegal kind before you panic, the prescribed kind, Antidepressants!
So those of you who follow will know a few months ago I saw my gp about Acid reflux expecting a prescription for Gaviscon, instead, to my surprise I left with a diagnosis of moderate to severe depression! So any way, my GP had offered me a range of treatments, self help books, counselling and ‘the D word’. I have an appointment for my first counselling session tomorrow, yes, it took that long, maybe if I’d ticked a few of the ‘other boxes’ they’d have called me in sooner, mental note for next time, tick more boxes 😉 I had refused a prescription for antidepressants, explaining that I didn’t feel depressed, just stressed.
So a couple of weeks ago I return to see my GP with a chest infection, I had to complete another of her ‘mental health’ questionnaires which came back with the same score as the first one I’d done. She talked more about offering me a prescription, and knowing I was still struggling and barely managing a smile most days I relented, and accepted.
I collected my prescription later that morning and took my first dose at 12pm that afternoon and waited for my smile to return.
I didn’t realise at first they were side effects, I hadn’t thought it possible from only one tablet. I couldn’t control my eyes, they were sleepy and jittery, I felt nausea like never before and dizzy. I was disorientated and confused. I slept in the day for the first time in years.
I decided I was going to take the following days tablet at bedtime in the hope I’d sleep through most of the symptoms.
The following day I woke still feeling sick and dizzy but no where near as much as I had the previous day. I mentally reminded myself to take the 2nd dose at bedtime.
By 12.30 that afternoon I was having cold sweats and the shakes, was this withdrawal?! After only one dose was it even possible?!
I decided not to take any more tablets. I need to be able to function, I have 3 little people relying on me to feed them and keep them safe, I can’t spend my time sleeping and jittering, even if its only for a few days.
So now I have to make an appointment with my GP and confess that I only took one dose. She’s not going to be happy.
I still feel like I’m struggling, I’ve forgotten how to enjoy life, enjoy my girls, how to smile. The slightest stress feels overwhelming and I feel un-equipped to cope. I know I’m stressed, everyone keeps pointing it out, which actually stresses me out even more.
So now I just need to find a way of alleviating my stress and knocking down the wall I’ve built to protect myself from the world. Any one got a secret cure? Because I’ve discovered that the advice from friends and family to ‘stop stressing’ and ‘just relax’ is easier to say than it is to do.