I’m not sure when it happened. It wasn’t a ‘light bulb’ moment, it was more of a ‘creep up on you gradually’ kind of thing. I’m talking of course about the realisation that being a Mommy wasn’t going to be what I expected, or dreamed of.
Before our girls were placed, and. even during those first few weeks, I dreamed of baking cakes, making hand puppets, reading stories, and chatting. The reality of it is, I can’t do any of these things with my girls. What starts off as fun, soon spirals in to a frenzy of craziness. As much as they crave my attention, once they have it, they find it too intense to handle. Their excitement turns to fear and the ‘fun’ soon dissipates. We spend many hours enjoying ‘intense free’ family time running about in the park where they don’t have to touch me and they don’t have to make eye contact, maybe this is why they love parks so much?!
My girls have been hurt by one mummy, so they’re not about to let it happen to them again. ‘Doing things with Mummy is just too risky’. There’s a chance I might make them love me, and they learnt early on that loving someone hurts! So they surround themselves by an impenetrable fortress and hide together, there’s safety in numbers, behind their huge walls in order to protect themselves from my love. They’ve pushed me away so many times that I’ve even managed to build my own little wall now making the task of bonding even harder.
In the mean time I have to sit back, behind their fortress and my own freshly constructed wall watching everyone else enjoy doing ‘my dreams’ with my daughters. The baking, the making, the cuddles, the stories and the chats are not for me. I cook, I clean, I clothe, I discipline, I reward, I give, give and give some more whilst everyone else reaps MY rewards.
My girls don’t trust me. They’re so filled with fear and trauma that right now there’s no room inside them for love.
I understand why this is. I know that it may not always be this way, and with plenty of time, love and patience, their broken hearts could heal.
Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier or make me feel any less inadequate.