After a very rocky and difficult start to the school year, with lots of tears and heartache, it would seem half term came just at the right time.
Our week started rocky with a couple of difficult days but by Tuesday things had calmed down and peace was restored. Sometimes you don’t realise just how bad things were until they get better, things were really bad!
We started half term by attended an appointment with CAMHS and arranged to start group therapy for the girls in the new year. The rest of the week was spent enjoying being a family, craft, parks, snuggles, meals out and more and I remembered once again why we adopted, I’d come very close to forgetting!
First day of school was welcomed by the girls, they were happy, as always, to go but I wasn’t so happy to take them. I felt anxious all day wondering which girls I would be collecting from school, the ones I liked or the ones I didn’t?! They came out of school happy and chatty and we shared a lovely Halloween evening snuggled on the sofa watching dvd’s.
Here’s hoping that we’ve reached a turning point!
So we had our first child free night in 16 months. It was lovely, a beautiful hotel set in the picturesque Welsh valley of Llangollen, we ate delicious food, talked, relaxed and unwound. To the world we were just a happily married couple enjoying a night away, it was just like it used to be, no bickering, no crys for attention, no Cbeebies, no having to whisper so as not to wake them, just us.
I’m ashamed to say, I loved every minute of it.
We’d left the day before informing them we were going out for dinner, the first they knew of our overnight trip was when they discovered it wasn’t Mommy & Daddy waking them up.
When we returned we were greeted by 3 very excited little girls that had spent the morning baking cakes (my poor kitchen hee hee) and had an abundance of kisses and cuddles for us. It became apparent throughout the day that they were exhausted, excitement or anxiety, we’ll probably never know, but they all fell asleep in record time.
The patter of tiny feet on the landing early this morning to check we were still there was no surprise!
After 2 long months I’ve given in! My four and a half year old baby girl is back in pull ups. She hasn’t wore a pull up since February when we last combated the issue, she’s been out of Nappys and toilet trained for over 2 years!
Starting school in september seemed to be the green light for some of her problem behaviors to return. The eating issues have gradually returned and we’re seeing these 3-5 times a week, and the intentional weeing have also reappeared gradually becoming a daily event. Until yesterday that is when I brought more pull ups!
Her need to disrupt or get attention, or what ever it is, is by far stronger than my will to just be able to ignore. So pull ups mean no more wee incidents (she never wets a pull up) which means a happy mommy again and hopefully will in turn mean an end to the pattern of bad behavior followed by my shouting that we’ve seen so much of lately. Only time will tell.
I didn’t take that test
I didn’t feel you kick
I didn’t hold you close as you took your very first breath
I didn’t watch you sleep
I didn’t hear you gurgle
I didn’t wipe those first real tears
Or catch you as you stumbled
I didn’t hear your first word
Your second or your third
I didn’t get to soothe you as a fever held you tight
I didn’t get to sit with you as you cried throughout the night
I don’t know how you weaned
I don’t know if you thrived
I don’t know of the things you saw
Or of the things you heard
I knew that things would be hard
I knew you’d find it tough
I knew you’d need my time and love
to keep your head above
I watch you as you struggle
I hear your heart cry out
I want to understand
Help take away your doubt
I gave you time to grow
I gave you room to see
I gave my heart and soul to you
And we learn’t what happiness could be
Your finding it hard to settle
That i understand
You fight and push at every turn
and change at every bend
Your life has been chaotic
the calm is all still new
So I’ll continue to put you on the path
and light the way for you
I’ll watch you learn to ride your bike
Take your driving exam
I’ll proudly cry as you say I do
and smile when you become a mum
I’ll forever be right here for you
no matter what you’ve done
But for now I’ll just wait patiently
for you to realise I’ll always be your mum
* Published in the April 2012 edition of Adoption Today
You know things have reached a point when talking to your 4yr old with an angry tone is the norm.
I had to make an effort this morning to remember to change my tone from ‘angry’ to ‘nice’ and this was before I’d even got her up. I’m so used to be annoyed with her that I’ve forgotten how else to be. Things need to change, I’m not going to be sucked in any more, I will no longer be the ‘shouty’ mommy that she craves. That’s the plan anyway, I can but try!
I have a friend who’s been fighting a horrible illness and is nearing the end of her treatment. We’ve never met but I feel like we ‘know’ each other. She’s been there for me and offered me that hand when I’ve felt I’ve been falling in to the darkness. She’s like no one else I know, she’s beautiful inside and out, she’s honest, she sounds posh, she’s clever a teacher of physics?! (or something equally as clever), a mother of 2, a fighter, a christian, a wife, my friend. She rang me tonight, she’d had an awful day and she needed a friend, she has lots of great friends, but she called me. We chatted, we shared, we laughed, she put the phone down smiling I think. She is the strongest person I know and an inspiration to me. I aspire to be as courageous as her and to teach my girls the same
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”