It was the girls first day back at school today. My morning started with a silly lie from my youngest (once again) about toothpaste?! Why oh why I will never understand.
We managed to get out of house on time and arrived at school with time to spare. We strolled on to the playground and positioned ourselves ready for my eldest to start her first day in the juniors. It was then that I realised that she’d been clung to my leg all the way across the playground with my arm around her and my hand softly stroking her cheek. She was nervous, I was to, but I was more overwhelmed by the fact that she was seeking comfort and reassurance from me. She’s never really done this before, well not so obviously anyway. I gave her a big squeeze when the time came, told her I loved her and reminded her she could get the office to call me and I’d come to school any time, even if it was only for a cuddle and I wouldn’t be angry. She made her way to her line, her behavior changing from clingy and quiet to loud and silly as she went, it was clear to me that she was ‘anxious’, to everyone else she just looked ‘strange’.
I mentioned to her teacher that whilst her behavior might be loud and garish, it was a sign she was anxious. Her teacher replied with ‘They’re all the same, we let them off for the first day’. Such a simple reply highlighted that even though we met with her last term, she still doesn’t ‘get it’, maybe she will when she see’s it wasn’t just first day nerves but a poorly attached, insecure, hyper vigilant, frightened, mixed up little 7 year old girl with no social skills.
A few tears for me!
As expected my middle girl went in to class all smiles and confident waves, she’s such a contrast from her sisters.
No tears but a warm feeling inside for me!
After the school run, I took my youngest to the shop to get a few last minutes things for her afternoon at school. She randomly chanted/sang in the back of the car ‘I don’t wear nappys anymore’ leaving me anxious about what she had planned or had already done. Its been a while since she chose to have any accidents, but you never quite know with her. So then it was lunch time, seems she chose today to regress to her eating behaviors that we hadn’t seen since around Easter. I took a deep breath, moved on with things and got her ready for school. She forgot how to put socks on today, she forgot how to do buttons, she forgot how to put shoes on, I took another deep breath. We finally arrive at school, the teachers appear, and just like she used to when we went to nursery she jumped up and down excited, lifted her arms for a kiss/cuddle goodbye. Only today she turned her head, she didn’t want a kiss, another deep breath. I put her down after a big squeeze, said ‘I love you’ at which point she would usually respond with ‘I love you’, today she stood, she looked me straight in the eye and closed her mouth as if to make a point that she was saying nothing, yet another deep breath. So I waved goodbye, blew kisses, mouthed I love you (as I usually would) and she waved goodbye and walked happily in to class.
No tears, no warm feeling, just a disappointed feeling that welled inside me.
So by now your getting an idea of how my day has been, my evening was much the same.
Happy and relieved that my big girl got on well with her first day, although it seems she still didn’t play with anyone.
Content that my middle girl did exactly as I expected and had a wonderful day with her friends at school.
Disappointed that my little girl, whilst appears to have enjoyed her afternoon in big school, has come home, antagonized her sisters, not listened to a word anyones said and messed about with her 2nd meal of the day.
So many different emotions in my head and heart, today has left me drained and exhausted.