I’ve thought a lot today about the reports I re-read last night, you know the ones with the big gaps between the lines!! I’ve watched my girls playing today and pondered over what goes on inside their heads, what stresses and worrys they tackle in silence and alone in the darkness inside their heads. For example why does my youngest do the controlling things she does, why is she constantly striving to ‘be liked’ by her sisters which inadvertently makes her come across as irritating to them, what is she thinking when she’s sitting and staring at her oldest sister copying the way she sits, the way she chews, her mannerisms and saying she likes the things she likes when the reality of it is that she’s very independent, she has her own mind and personality and has strong views, likes and dislikes of her own. It worries me that she’s aspiring to be like her big sister because her big sister has so many issues and development delay’s of her own and I don’t want them to become learned behaviours for my baby girl.
My big girl missed out on being a child, she was just a baby of 13months when her sister was born, the reality of her birth family’s dynamics and lifestyle meant that she missed out on those crucial developmental milestones that teach a child how to play, how to share, how to trust, how to love and be loved, instead she was handed a disorganised attachment disorder, probably due to maternal deprivation and this consequently has left her with a mental and social age much younger than her years! How do you teach a child to think, act and behave like a 6yr old?!
I sit and watch the concerns the social workers raised prior to placement about the oldest mothering the youngest thus leaving the middle one out coming true each day. My middle girl already has some resentment towards her little sister, and its hardly surprising really, a year ago she was the one being mothered by her big sister, now she’s been replaced! She must have a lot of frustrations inside her which explains her need to scream and shout in temper sometimes, but I guess I should be happy that she’s not bottling it up and has the ability to express herself. I do wonder how this resentment will manifest itself as time goes by though, and what I can do to help them all find an equal footing/happy place, within our family.
We/I didn’t just adopt 3 girls and become their parents. We took on their emotions, their troubles, the task of re-parenting and having to undo as much of the damage as possible and having to face the fact that sometimes, just to love them and keep them safe won’t be enough to repair the cognitive damage they’ve endured in their short lives already, and knowing that can be exhausting and terrifying!
They are my baby girls, and I am their Mommy and I’ll love them and do whatever I can to steer them away from the dark and gloomy paths their lives were heading in, where drink, drugs and self harm prevail. I want them to grow up to be strong, independent happy, loved and secure young women and I’ll always be ready to fight their corner to give them every opportunity they need to achieve that, its the least they deserve. But sometimes, I’m just not always sure how to do that or what it is that they need.