Being an adoptive Mum is……………..

Published May 20, 2011 by thefamilyof5

Over the months i discovered a lot……………

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…feeling guilty about not being the best Mum I could be every second of every day

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…working out that the adoption process puts the needs of the birth family before the needs of the children; the adopters are the poorest relations

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…having your affection bought

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…draining, traumatic, exhausting, guilt-ridden, harrowing…

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…saying the same thing every day at the same time to the same children about the same things. I know it does take time for things to sink in – but surely????

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…realising that you need life story work too

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…when all the kids sleep all the way through the night on one of those very rare occasions and the pair of you are up all night with coughs and colds – doh!

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…waking up in the night on the half hour every hour and straining your ears for the slightest noise. Which is a bit silly really because if they want something they sure as heck make enough noise to wake up the neighbourhood!

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…all about being a therapist to your child, not just a Mum.

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…hard on your current relationships. Sometimes too hard.

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…dealing with everyones expectations for you to be loving every second of motherhood when the reality is sometimes it can suck.

Being an adopted mum is…

…losing old friends but gaining new.

Being an adoptive mum is…

…having someone from SS knowing everything about you, mortgage, income, sex life the lot.

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…faking it until you make it. Again, sage advice from someone on the Adoption UK message boards

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…very difficult when you have to behave consistently with all three children, when you don’t like one of them very much and you don’t want to give them a kiss and a hug. But you HAVE to do it and make it not look fake. Remembering to make sure they are not the last one to be kissed. Constantly trying to see it from their point of view and working out if they can see you faking it. It’s very draining.

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…like being in an arranged marriage – with three people. Sadly, it can be very difficult to love or even like them all. Sometimes it can take years to like them and you may never love them.

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…only having had 1.5 hours quality time with your husband in six months

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…being told that re-parenting is a much bigger job than parenting, and then realising it every day

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…realising that our oldest child has been a child for five years and we have been parents for five months, so we have a lot of catching up to do

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…becoming a different person; suddenly you are calling your husband ‘Daddy’, your Dad ‘Granddad’, your Mum ‘Granny’, your sister ‘Auntie’, your brother ‘Uncle’ and you are calling yourself your Mum. At first it’s funny, and you have a laugh correcting yourself or the children correct you and they think it’s funny too. It is also unnerving because you lose your identity overnight. Birth parents lose their identity slowly as the child learns to speak, you lose it instantly

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…hard during the first year when everyone else says, “Oh we did this last Christmas with the children.” “We did that at Halloween with the kids.” “Our babies loved their summer holidays at the same place.” When you have no history, you have no ‘family’, it takes time to build it up. Eventually you become a family through the experiences you all have TOGETHER

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…realising that hard times call for fast friends

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…realising when it’s too late that adoption is not a cure for childlessness, it’s all about parenting traumatised children

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…knowing the difference between a time-out and a time-in / toddler tantrum and a little nero tantrum / attachment and bonding / life story book and life story work

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…about being lied to

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…hearing your daughter crying in the night and not being able to understand what she is saying, night after night after night…

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…having a typical 30 minutes multi-tasking in the afternoon: keeping an eye on the children, refereeing squabbles, changing nappies, writing shopping lists, supervising loo trips, talking to social workers, confiscating toys – all whilst cooking the tea!

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…feeling guilty every day about not being the perfect mother, or the mother you thought you might be, or even feeling that you are being “good enough”

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…crying every day

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…being diagnosed with Post-Adoption Depression

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…not knowing what your child looks like when you pick them up from school because you have only known them for eleven days and you have to wait until you can see their face full on before you recognise them.

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…being called ‘Mummy’ for the first time

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…finding our who your friends and family really are.

Being an adoptive Mum is…

…about choosing your battles. Trouble is, you don’t know what battles are important and the learning curve is HUGE 😦

(This post was inspired by lots of members of the AUK boards)

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2 comments on “Being an adoptive Mum is……………..

  • Over the years you will learn that you are the best mum the girls could ever of wished for.
    That the girls will always come to you first.
    That it was all worth the sleepless nights

    🙂

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