With all the recent talk about a Measles outbreak I thought I’d check the girls immunisations were up to date, it just reminded me how little information we have, I don’t even know how much my big girl weighed when she was born let alone what immunisations she’s had and the pictures not much clearer for the other 2 either. Its so sad that there isn’t an electronic record of everything medical for each individual that can be accessed by professionals and guardians, at least my girls/me would have access to information that’s important to them, like how she got that scar on her forehead, or how much they weighed when they were born or even just what immunisations they’d had instead of having to struggle to find out bits of information from different places.
Today I noticed that my girls were the only children on the playground stood waving and cheering as the helicopter flew above, I guess when a big part of your life was spent indoors you appreciate the outdoors all the more. I also gazed around the playground and noticed it was full of Mom’s and Dad’s patiently waiting for the bell to ring with there little ‘Mini me’s’ stood near by. My little mini’s are not of me, but of someone I’ve never met, yet i have already formed so many strong feelings of disgust, pity and resentment for her. Disgust as she neglected my little girls for years, Pity as she was just a sad and lonely product of her environment and didn’t know any different and Resentment because she had the very first years of my girls lives, their first tooth, crawl, step, word etc, things I, their Mommy, can never have!
Isn’t it funny how something like a Helicopter above can trigger so many thoughts……………
I can still remember the silence, the wasted weekends, the trips to Zoo’s and Parks and feeling like the odd ones out with no child to take, the evenings that felt so quiet and the house that felt so empty with its empty bedrooms and useless garden!
Then they arrived and with them they brought 3 of everything, noise and mess, laughter and smiles, phrases to make you chuckle and words to make you frown, pink fluffy stuff and noisy toys, furry toys, wooden toys, plastic toys, trampolines and slides, bats and balls, frilly clothes, tiny vests and knickers, millions of socks, big clothes, little clothes (so many clothes), hair bobbles & ribbons, plastic plates and teeny cutlery, drinks bottles by the truck load and more teddys than you can imagine.
On the sunny days I remember the lonely weekends and the empty house and pitiful day trips and the emptiness inside, and I smile!
On the rainy days I remember the quiet, the spontaneity, the calm, the long snuggles with the cats, the great nights sleep, and I weep.
On all of these days I remember my husband, the one that understood my emptiness and held me tight, and now, when im sad he puts his arms around me and takes away my sadness.
Through it all, my husband has been, and continues to be, my constant and I couldn’t do any of this without him.
I’ve thought a lot today about the reports I re-read last night, you know the ones with the big gaps between the lines!! I’ve watched my girls playing today and pondered over what goes on inside their heads, what stresses and worrys they tackle in silence and alone in the darkness inside their heads. For example why does my youngest do the controlling things she does, why is she constantly striving to ‘be liked’ by her sisters which inadvertently makes her come across as irritating to them, what is she thinking when she’s sitting and staring at her oldest sister copying the way she sits, the way she chews, her mannerisms and saying she likes the things she likes when the reality of it is that she’s very independent, she has her own mind and personality and has strong views, likes and dislikes of her own. It worries me that she’s aspiring to be like her big sister because her big sister has so many issues and development delay’s of her own and I don’t want them to become learned behaviours for my baby girl.
My big girl missed out on being a child, she was just a baby of 13months when her sister was born, the reality of her birth family’s dynamics and lifestyle meant that she missed out on those crucial developmental milestones that teach a child how to play, how to share, how to trust, how to love and be loved, instead she was handed a disorganised attachment disorder, probably due to maternal deprivation and this consequently has left her with a mental and social age much younger than her years! How do you teach a child to think, act and behave like a 6yr old?!
I sit and watch the concerns the social workers raised prior to placement about the oldest mothering the youngest thus leaving the middle one out coming true each day. My middle girl already has some resentment towards her little sister, and its hardly surprising really, a year ago she was the one being mothered by her big sister, now she’s been replaced! She must have a lot of frustrations inside her which explains her need to scream and shout in temper sometimes, but I guess I should be happy that she’s not bottling it up and has the ability to express herself. I do wonder how this resentment will manifest itself as time goes by though, and what I can do to help them all find an equal footing/happy place, within our family.
We/I didn’t just adopt 3 girls and become their parents. We took on their emotions, their troubles, the task of re-parenting and having to undo as much of the damage as possible and having to face the fact that sometimes, just to love them and keep them safe won’t be enough to repair the cognitive damage they’ve endured in their short lives already, and knowing that can be exhausting and terrifying!
They are my baby girls, and I am their Mommy and I’ll love them and do whatever I can to steer them away from the dark and gloomy paths their lives were heading in, where drink, drugs and self harm prevail. I want them to grow up to be strong, independent happy, loved and secure young women and I’ll always be ready to fight their corner to give them every opportunity they need to achieve that, its the least they deserve. But sometimes, I’m just not always sure how to do that or what it is that they need.
We’ve been reading through all the reports that we received prior to matching/placement with our girls tonight. There is so much to read between the lines that we missed before.
Bravo to all those professionals that hid so much from us!
They make so much noise! Lol
My usual peaceful Saturday morning of relaxing shower followed by getting ready in peace whilst Daddy gets the girls up and fed was floored by the simple fact that Daddy was working today!
This meant my morning was like every other morning, exhausting and noisy and full of pointless questions! We did liven things up a little by trying Lemon Curd on toast which was a hit all round 🙂
Then, just as things were looking up one of my little angels clearly fancied a change of routine and decided to smother herself, her clothes and her hair in toothpaste and then refused point blank to speak when I asked her about it! After a shower and a 45 minute screaming temper tantrum, calm was restored. Well I say calm, as calm as things could be with 3 little girls who scream……a lot! 😀
The rest of the day involved lots of shouting, lots of being sent to rooms to think, lots of saying sorry to each other and to Mommy and Daddy, lots of tears from bumps and lots of sulking. In between all of that, there was lots of smiles, giggles and laughter of course.
Overall today has mainly been about 3 little girls that woke up to early, are tired and have made lots of bad choices, early nights all round is the remedy.
On the upside, it stayed dry so they spent the whole day in the garden!
Now to feed them and try and quieten them down with some calming books and puzzles and thinking time.
My Daughter – by Debby Andrews
You have so many questions, for such a little girl.
Such complex thoughts and feelings, your mind must be a whirl.
“Why couldn’t my first Mummy keep me?” You ask with innocence.
But I don’t understand myself, it doesn’t make much sense.
What demons were within her?
Why couldn’t she see the pain?
The world your first Mother came from,
Is one of fear and shame.
The drugs became her lifeline,
She couldn’t stop the game.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to –
Perhaps she’s not to blame.
I think about her now and then,
And wonder if she knows,
That the daughter she couldn’t care for,
Is safe and loved, and grows.
“She was too sick”, I tell you,
But you just can’t let it go.
“Did she die and go to heaven?”
“I miss her, does she know?”
Oh …….., if I could, I’d take away your pain.
But you are strong,
And you are tough,
You’ll make it through the rain.
And when you do, I’ll be here,
Standing by your side.
My love for you grows stronger,
It cannot be denied.
God blessed us with you ………
You’re our Angel from above,
We are thankful every day,
That you are ours to love.